


i want to feel your heartlines

by agoodmourning



Category: The Wilds (TV 2020)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, F/F, but not really, eventual mature themes, internally angsty shelby, kinda slowburn, main pov from shelby
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-07
Updated: 2021-03-11
Packaged: 2021-03-17 18:26:40
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 9
Words: 53,339
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28604418
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/agoodmourning/pseuds/agoodmourning
Summary: It was fake. All of it was a facade. Every girl on the stage was envious of her win, all of them glaring daggers at her despite their wide grins. Shelby wanted to yell and scream that she didn't want it. She wanted to toss the meaningless crown at the redhead and commend her on her victory, but that was nothing more than a fantasy deep within her mind. Instead, Shelby forced the tears of happiness the crowd wanted to see and mimicked the same shit-eating smile every other contestant held.orThe one where Shelby has begun to hate most aspects of her life and Toni decides to be the one to help show her just how fun rebelling against it can be, even if it's done in secret.
Relationships: Shelby Goodkind/Toni Shalifoe
Comments: 89
Kudos: 531





	1. the start of a fire

“This year's winner of Miss Texas Royalty is…”

The lights were hot as they glared down against her exposed skin. A silence full of anticipation had settled throughout the auditorium, so much so that she thought she could hear the sound of the redhead’s heart thumping beside her. Said redhead grasped her hand within her own clammy palm, her grip much tighter than what she figured was necessary. The sportsmanship was all for show; just hours earlier all of the girls were wishing broken heels and a wardrobe malfunction on their fellow contestants. But now, in front of thousands of people, they could easily be mistaken for best friends. 

“...Shelby Goodkind!” 

An eruption of applause forced her back from her thoughts. With wide eyes, her head snapped up and she glanced around to see the redhead now gazing at her, her manicured fingers clapping in a mock gesture along with the crowd. 

She had won. 

The previous year's winner approached her to place the glimmering crown atop her perfectly styled hair, following it up with a bouquet of fragrant flowers forced into her chest. 

It was fake. All of it was a facade. Every girl on the stage was envious of her win, all of them glaring daggers at her despite their wide grins. Shelby wanted to yell and scream that she didn't want it. She wanted to toss the meaningless crown at the redhead and commend her on her victory, but that was nothing more than a fantasy deep within her mind. Instead, Shelby forced the tears of happiness the crowd wanted to see and mimicked the same shit-eating smile every other contestant held. 

x x x 

“All you need is two more wins and you can officially qualify for Miss Teen USA.” Her mother beamed at her from the front seat of the family car, her tone full of excitement and joy. Even her father kept stealing glances at her from the rear view mirror. The corners of his eyes crinkled with a lingering smile, a heavy sense of pride now sitting upon his shoulders. 

Shelby merely smiled in response and nodded her head. She didn't want to partake in two more pageants, though. She didn't want to stand half naked in front of judges and have them critique every single inch of her body and mind. It was exhausting. 

That night Shelby placed the crown on the shelf along with the others. The shelf sat adjacent to the multitude of colorful pageant sashes she had also acquired over the years. Her eyes danced along them, slowly taking each shining letter in. A year ago they would've brought her joy, but now all she wanted to do was throw them in the oversized fireplace in the living room and watch them burn. 

“How’re you doing after the big win, kiddo?” 

Dave Goodkind stood in her doorway, a kind smile present on his features. If only the man was as nice as the smile made him appear. 

“Tired,” she spoke with a deep sigh, though she flashed her own smile to keep up appearances. 

“You should get some rest. Getting the crown doesn't earn you a day off from school.” Her father chuckled despite his stern tone while crossing the threshold of her bedroom; he closed the distance between them so he could place a kiss to the top of her head. 

After a few more seconds of pointless small talk, her father left, and her fake smile immediately dropped. 

x x x 

A white Jeep came to a halt in the assigned spot that sat right by Andrew’s truck. Already standing outside of it, he leaned back against the side with his arms crossed over his chest casually. He was chatting and laughing with his friends along with Christa Findlay, who just so happened to be laughing a bit too hard. Christa had been after Andrew since their freshman year, never once giving up her quest to sink her claws into him. And if the rumors were true, then she had succeeded on more than one occasion. 

Just like the pageants - last year she would've cared, but this year...she couldn't find an ounce of jealousy or anger within her. 

“Hey, babe.” Andrew reached over to slide his arm around her shoulders, possessively tugging her into his side. Like the good girlfriend she was, Shelby smiled and placed a chaste kiss to his cheek. 

“I've got to run by the library before class,” she explained while untangling herself from her boyfriend. “Yearbook demands and all.” 

Andrew tried to protest, his hands finding her waist in an attempt to pull her back into him. She swatted him away with a bit of laughter to keep the mood light, then promised she would see him in third period. Andrew appeared annoyed but she knew Christa would soon have his attention the moment her back was turned. 

The walk through the school was tedious, but her long legs eagerly carried her down hall after hall. Shelby would pause every now and then to chat with a few of her friends, politely thanking them when they would congratulate her on her pageant win. She had turned around to call back to one of the girls, taking a few steps backwards before she collided into something. Well, _someone_. 

“Oh my gosh, I am so sorry!” Shelby exclaimed as she whipped around to see Martha looking rather startled. Her demeanor relaxed upon realizing it was just Shelby, though. The two girls exchanged a smile, the blonde then bending over to retrieve a fallen notebook due to their collision. 

“Shelby, hi! No, it's okay. Don't even worry about it.” Martha rambled with the friendly demeanor she sported on a daily basis. Shelby wasn't sure if she had ever met someone as kind as Martha before. 

“You need to watch where you're going, princess. Other people do go to school here too.” 

Shelby’s gaze shifted away from Martha for only a second so she could let it be known that she had acknowledged the statement. Toni stood a few inches back with a smug smirk. She had opened her mouth to speak, with hopes that a passive comment would escape in retaliation, but Martha beat her to the punch. 

“Cut it out, Toni. It's too early for you to be so… _you_.” 

“What the hell does that mean?” Toni fired back, earning nothing more than a head shake and an eye roll from Martha. 

“I'll see you later, okay?” Shelby then spoke up to Martha before Toni could fully explode and cause a scene. “Sorry again.” 

With that, Shelby took her leave and headed straight down the hall to where the library dwelled. It was empty inside other than a couple of other yearbook committee workers and an older woman who was too busy going through returned books to even acknowledge them. 

“You made it,” a soft voice spoke from the other side of the table she was approaching. Nora awkwardly smiled, her fingers fidgeting with a small piece of paper. Leah was quick to close the book she was always seen reading and adjust her position in the chair, now appearing more interested in the yearbook supplies before them. 

“Of course I did,” the blonde chimed, smiling. 

“We still have to finish the pages for the top athletes,” Leah spoke up while scanning over their ‘to do’ list she had scribbled in her notebook. “Along with the senior superlatives, but voting won’t begin until next week for those.” 

Shelby nodded along in a gesture that let them know she understood. She took a few steps around the table so she could read the list from over Leah’s shoulder; there were athlete names crossed out, indicating those were complete, though three still remained: Rachel Reid, Jeanette Dao, and Toni Shalifoe. Her jaw clenched when she read the last name, though it was involuntary. Shelby knew better than to let someone get to her in such a way. 

“I can get the interview questions from Rachel…” Nora spoke up, slowly nodding. Both of the other girls looked over to her with raised eyebrows, silently asking if she was sure about that. 

“I mean...she’ll talk to me if it's about her diving, so…”

Leah was the next to speak after releasing a sigh of...annoyance? Exhaustion? One could never really tell when it came to Leah. Her moods were always so wishy-washy. “Jeanette has study hall at the same time as me.” 

It was a statement that let them know she would take on the responsibility of getting the information from the chess club captain. Shelby still didn't believe chess to be a sport, but the teacher that overlooked the yearbook committee explained that they needed to be inclusive of all sports, even ones that required only the mind. 

“Well, I guess that leaves me with Toni.” Shelby forced an optimistic grin while looking back and forth between the other girls, her hands now proudly resting on her hips. “This should be fun.” 

x x x

Shelby was certain that she had done nothing directly to Toni to make her hate her. It was like one day the two girls were just aware of each other and there was suddenly an unspoken distaste between them. Unspoken for her, for the most part. As for Toni, well...she had no problem with speaking her mind. 

Maybe it was the deep brown color and curl of her hair that got to her, more so the way it made her thoughts drift back to Becca. Or possibly even just the way she seemed so free; free to be herself, free to indulge in anything and everything her heart desired. 

Shelby wondered what it would be like to lead such a life. 

Unfortunately, with Toni’s freedom also came a great deal of hostility. 

In kindergarten she had buried Shelby’s Barbie in the sand during recess and refused to reveal her whereabouts. It was days later when she was finally found, her hair matted and full of grains of sand. Then in fourth grade, when they were all made to join youth soccer, Toni would purposely trip Shelby on the field, causing her to face plant into the dirt on more than one occasion. 

The passive cruelty died off come middle school, which was presumably when the girls forgot about each other. Once high school came around and they were in vastly different cliques, Shelby rarely even thought of her. That didn’t mean she _never_ thought of her, though. This was something she would never admit to. 

“Cheerleading try outs are next week, princess.” Toni shifted the basketball to rest on her hip when she noticed just how long Shelby had been standing at the end of the court. 

Shelby chuckled and waved her hand to dismiss the comment, her head shaking. “Oh no, cheerleading is not for me. The only coordination I have is when I'm walking across the pageant stage. Point A to point B. That is it.” 

Toni appeared uninterested in what she had to say, that being evident by the way she looked at her with a blank expression. 

“What do you want?” The brunette exhaled the words while adjusting to hold the basketball against the front of her abdomen. 

Silently, Shelby begged God to give her strength. 

“Well, as you may know, I'm head of the yearbook committee,” she grinned as she spoke, her hands moving along to her words. Shelby always had been very animated. 

“Yeah, I don't care,” the girl opposite of her quickly fired back, cutting off her train of thought. Shelby refused to let it get to her, though. Her smile remained despite the intense attitude being tossed her way. 

Although her face was friendly and welcoming, the glint of aggravation in her eye was obvious. She was sure Toni picked up on this because of the way that damned smug smirk tugged at the corners of her lips again. Shelby casted her eyes up to the ceiling of the gymnasium and laughed, just then realizing she had been staring at Toni’s lips a moment longer than necessary. 

“Have you ever heard that saying 'you catch more flies with honey’?” Shelby was challenging Toni, giving her a taste of her own medicine in her own personal way. She wasn't as crass as Toni may be, but she knew she was able to get under her skin. Why else would Toni get so riled up whenever they were within five feet of each other? 

Toni deeply sighed, her eyes rolling in an overly dramatic manner. She once again shifted the basketball, though this time she allowed it to bounce against the gym floor a couple of times. The sound it made was a little piercing in the empty gym, the noise echoing around them. “I'm not going to stand here and listen to you fucking lecture me when you're the one who needs something from me.” 

As Shelby opened her mouth to speak again, Toni continued to dribble the ball in a slow motion. She made sure the ball collided with the floor every time she tried to get a word out, rudely cutting her off. The anger was bubbling within her, heat quickly rising to her cheeks and flushing her skin. This only egged Toni on further. 

“Would you stop, please…” Shelby abruptly moved forward and attempted to snatch the ball from Toni, but the other girl was too fast. She grasped the ball between both palms and took a step back, holding it just out of Shelby’s reach. 

Shelby’s lips pressed into a thin line, her green eyes narrowing. She tried so hard to keep her cool no matter what the situation was. Even when her father was going on one of his little rants she was able to stay calm and collected, her hands folded neatly in her lap. Toni had this way of pushing her buttons, though. She got under her skin like no other did and that's what infuriated her the most. Why did she hold so much power over her? 

When Shelby unexpectedly reached for the basketball again, Toni took yet another step out of reach. Her reflexes were better than she had anticipated. Dropping her arms to her sides in defeat, Shelby halted her advances and instead glared daggers at the other girl. They held each other’s gaze for a long moment, both of them silently daring the other to make another move. Neither did. 

“I just need you to answer some questions for the yearbook. We’re highlighting every top athlete and, well, with you being the basketball team captain and all…” Shelby trailed off from her statement while motioning towards the orange sphere Toni was now shuffling from one hand to the other. 

“Questions? Like what my hopes and dreams are after high school? If I’ll continue to pursue basketball once I’m out of this hell hole?” Toni’s voice held an obvious amount of aggression towards the subject, though this was just what she was expecting. Someone couldn’t even say ‘hello’ to her in the hallway without her finding a reason to critique them for it. 

Before Shelby could respond with her rebuttal, Toni continued with her rant. “Not everyone can have their entire life mapped out like you, Shelby. Some of us don’t have the option of going to college because some of us have to actually work for the basic life necessities. Ya know, like food and clothes. It isn’t handed to everyone on a silver-fucking-platter.” 

Shelby stood silently, her head angled down slightly so she was looking at Toni through her lashes. She figured that getting any sort of legitimate response from her regarding the questions would be close to impossible, but she wasn’t one to not at least attempt it. Toni’s immediate heightened emotions towards it was rather unexpected, though. If she had said it was stupid or pointless, that would’ve made sense, but this? Well, this response was based on nothing but pure anger. Anger towards her, though? Her situation as a whole? Shelby had no idea. 

“Look, I’m just trying to do the task that was handed to me. I wasn’t trying to insult you in any way, Toni. I wouldn’t do that.” 

Toni snorted out a laugh, her eyes yet again rolling. “That’s rich coming from you.” 

Before either girl could make another remark, the sound of the gym door squeaking open echoed throughout the empty space. It was followed by the monstrous laughter that typically accompanied high school boys. Shelby looked to her left to see a group of said boys entering the gym, all of them laughing and shoving one another. In the middle of the group was Andrew; his grin faded when he noticed Shelby and Toni. She could practically see the confusion working its way over his features. 

In that moment, he was the last person Shelby wanted to see. 

“Hey, Shelbs,” Andrew happily called while approaching them. He didn’t bother to glance in Toni’s direction, but instead acted as if she wasn’t even there. A tinge of embarrassment churned in her stomach because of this, despite being unable to pinpoint why. Shelby didn’t verbally acknowledge his rude behavior, though. Alternatively, she forced a smile and slid her arms around Andrew’s neck in a hug as his encircled her waist. When she shifted her eyes to Toni, the brunette was already stomping out of the gym after having tossed the basketball over her shoulder. 

x x x

Shelby tried her best to keep herself focused on her work while in class. She didn’t necessarily believe math or science to be very interesting, those being the subjects she found the most challenging, but making anything less than an ‘A’ was unacceptable in the Goodkind household. Unfortunately, her thoughts kept drifting back to Toni. God, why was she so utterly stubborn? Toni’s constant hostility towards her was growing rather old, especially since she had never known the root cause of it, but what was she to do? It wasn’t like she could ask her point blank why she disliked her so much because that would mean they’d have to actually have a civilized conversation. The chances of that were slim to none. 

The pen she held in her grasp looped absentmindedly along the perimeter of her paper. Barely any notes were written atop the lines, and while that would normally cause a bit of anxiety to stir within her, she couldn’t seem to care in that moment. Instead, her brain found it more important to focus on the way Toni’s lips curved when she smirked or the way she arched her neck back when she was trying to seem like a badass. 

Shelby regretted the thoughts the moment she had them. Dropping her pen, she adjusted her posture and her hand immediately reached up to grip the cross she wore around her neck. Where the hell had all of that come from? 

After her slip, she whispered a little prayer to herself, and then forced herself to focus on the teachings of Mr. Roberts no matter how boring his monotone voice happened to be. 

It was nearing the end of the day when she saw Toni again. Typically the two girls never acknowledged the other, but this time was different. Whereas they would just walk by the other without a word, both of them probably imagining that neither existed, Toni was now making a beeline towards where she stood. Shelby was leaning against the cool metal of her locker with her phone in her grasp, her thumbs moving skillfully over the screen as she typed up a message to Andrew. It was only when she glanced up that she noticed the embodiment of anger closing in. 

Toni was abrupt in her movements. She rushed up on her with a force that caused Shelby to flinch slightly from the shock of it. Her eyes were wide as she met Toni’s gaze, her phone now pressed into her chest as if she needed to protect the device. 

“Good lord. Can I help you?” 

“I’ll answer your stupid questions.” Despite the fact that Toni was giving into her request, she sounded rather mad about it. She was beginning to think that was just her typical tone. 

Slowly nodding, Shelby shifted to open her locker and reach for the notebook she had assigned strictly for yearbook information; it was a bright yellow because yearbook just felt like a yellow sort of subject to her. Math was red. English blue. All of her friends thought this little quirk of hers was rather odd, most of them teasing her if they happened to share a class, but it made perfect sense in her mind.

“Not right now. Jesus.” Toni blurted out when she realized what Shelby was in the process of doing. She glanced around to take note of the other students passing them by, none of them interested in the mundane conversation. 

“Well, I have bible study after school today -”

“Let’s meet at the Blue Diner tomorrow around six. Does that work with your God schedule or whatever?” Toni cut her off from her initial explanation, her words rushed as if she was trying to quickly make the plans. Shelby just figured she didn’t want to be seen with her for too long because that would interfere with her rep. Well, at least that’s what she had told her before when they had been unfortunately assigned to do a project together in science freshman year. 

“You’re in luck,” Shelby had her gaze down on her phone as she scrolled through her calendar to make sure she was free the following day. “God decided to let me have tomorrow off.”


	2. icebreakers

**[ TONI’S POV ]**

“Toni, _please_ tell me you didn’t actually say that to her.” 

With a shrug of her shoulders, Toni continued to shake the pencil between her two fingers. Her eyes remained down on the math textbook that she was desperately trying to work on problems from, but Martha’s heavy gaze made it impossible to focus. 

“I was just telling her how it is for the rest of us,” she attempted her explanation. “Princess needs to realize that not everyone is blessed with money and a normal ass family.” 

Martha took a deep breath while shaking her head - this being her usual reaction to Toni’s actions. There was no talking her down from the ledge most of the time, so it would’ve been a waste of her breath to do anything of the sort.

“So, what?” Martha continued to try to understand the situation. “You’re actually going to answer her yearbook questions?” 

“Maybe. I might make her work for them a bit more.” 

“Toni!” 

A string of laughter escaped from within her at the high pitched tone of Martha’s voice. She covered her mouth with her sleeved hand and bit into her lower lip to further muffle her laughter to the best of her ability. The teacher watching over them during their study hall period merely peered at them from over her book, an eyebrow arched in a silent warning to the two girls. 

“Calm down, Marty.” Toni whispered, leaning in closer to her best friend to keep her voice low. “It’s not going to kill her to have to work for something for once in her privileged life.” 

It was obvious that Martha wanted to object to Toni’s assumptions by the way her lips pursed in thought. Though she remained silent on the matter, Toni saw her silence to be rather loud. 

“What?” She snapped, the previous amused expression she had been sporting completely falling away. When Martha didn't respond, she repeated the question a bit louder. 

The teacher whipped her head around, now glaring in their direction. “Girls! Quiet!” She demanded, the outburst causing everyone in the class to glance back at them. 

“Sorry,” she grumbled. Toni leaned back into her chair and shifted her body to face the front, indicating to Martha that their conversation was over.

x x x 

**[ SHELBY’S POV ]**

Shelby ripped open the plastic packaging that surrounded the cookie she had just purchased. She had been doing nothing but dieting due to her most recent pageant, so she figured now was a better time than any to indulge a bit. Breaking a piece off, she brought it to her mouth and slowly chewed just as the rest of her friends crowded onto the lunch table. 

Andrew now sat beside her, his hand immediately moving to rest against the top of her leg from beneath the table. She desperately tried to ignore the uncomfortable feeling it made settle within her. 

“Has anyone given prom any thought?” A girl from further down the table inquired, her gaze searching everyone for some sort of validation. Prom was a ways away, yet Shelby was sure the girl thought it would be the highlight of her high school career. It was rather sad. She had come to the realization long ago that high school was not as the media portrayed it to be.

“I've been looking at dresses online just to get some ideas,” she spoke up so the girl wasn't left with an awkward silence. Her statement wasn't necessarily true but it wasn't a lie either. Occasionally she did run across a dress while searching for other things and pondered how it would look on her for prom. 

This started off the conversation of prom. Everyone else began to chime in, the girl seemingly delighted by the topic. Shelby said nothing else on the matter, though. Her eyes had dropped down to the chocolate chip cookie she was snacking on, once again breaking off another piece to consume. 

Andrew gave her thigh a small squeeze as he leaned in closer to her, his mouth at her ear. She could smell the overpowering cologne he wore and to her it was revolting. Would she say this aloud? Most definitely not. 

“Keep eating crap like that and you won't be able to find a dress that fits properly.” He whispered to her. His words halted her movements just as she was bringing the dessert up to her mouth again. Licking over her lips, she slowly lowered the cookie back down and pushed it away ever so slightly. Shelby typically ignored comments like this, unless they came from her father, but hearing it from Andrew made her more so angry than anything. This was a rage she would choose to sit on. 

Saying nothing in response, Andrew soon focused back on the conversation with their friends, though his hand continued to rest on her thigh. Shelby, while releasing a small sigh, allowed her gaze to drift around the cafeteria. Even though she truly knew no one had been able to hear what Andrew said to her, there was still an embarrassment seeping out that she was sure other people would be able to see. Much to the contrary, the other students were focused more on their own food and conversations than the one her table was having. 

Every student but one. 

Shelby paused when she locked eyes with the brunette only a couple of rows down. The tables were situated diagonal from each other, giving both girls a clear view of the other. Toni was seated leaning against her table with a water bottle in her grasp, her knee bouncing. Her brown eyes dropped from Shelby's face, traveling further down to where Andrew’s hand was noticeable beneath the table. 

Clearing her throat in a nonchalant manner, Shelby quickly took note of this. She shifted in her seat so as to not draw Andrew’s attention; her legs crossed with the right over the left then preventing him from continuing with the skin on skin contact. After the shift, Shelby found herself glancing back in Toni’s direction. For reasons unbeknownst to her, it was as if she was trying to ask for a silent approval of the change. But why from Toni? Shelby didn't care what Toni thought of her or her boyfriend, especially when it came to their relationship. 

The thought alone made her feel stupid. But as she glanced over and saw that Toni was no longer focused on her, but instead on Martha and their other friend, she felt the stupidity tenfold. 

x x x 

Later that afternoon, after the final bell had echoed through the halls to indicate the end of the school day, she was uncomfortably sitting in Andrew’s truck. He was leaning over the console to remain close to her, his hand grasping her cheek, and his lips pressed roughly into hers. Shelby hated making out in his truck, especially on school property. If a figure of authority was to catch them, despite it being after hours, they could still find themselves in a bit of trouble. Andrew didn't see it that way though; he would tell her he had tinted windows and no one would know what was happening. That wasn't as calming for her as he assumed it would be. 

“Andrew…” she softly breathed out. Her boyfriend thought this to be a sign of encouragement but for her it was the complete opposite. She was trying to gain his attention so he would remove his lips from where they now sat assaulting her neck, though she didn't have as much luck. The stubble on his face scratched her skin creating a slight burning sensation, only further reminding her of how much she hated this. 

_Hated?_ Shelby wasn't sure where that rogue thought had come from. She didn't hate it. No, she couldn't. Andrew was her boyfriend and this is what couples did. 

Andrew’s hand had returned to her bare knee just like during lunch. He was more bold this time, now opting to slowly trail his fingers around to the inside of her thigh and then up. He didn't make it far before she shifted her legs in the opposite direction. 

“Whoa there tiger,” she chuckled. Shelby had placed her hand on his chest to push him back ever so slightly, just enough to keep his lips and his hands off of her. “You know that's not happening.” 

“Come on, Shelbs. We've been dating for three years and you won't even let me _touch_ you?” Andrew’s aggravation towards the topic was obvious and a part of her understood why he would be so upset. They had been together for quite awhile and had never progressed further than his hand up her shirt, and only once beneath the confines of her bra. 

“You know my stance on the whole sex thing. I'm saving myself for marriage because that's what God wants from me.” Shelby had been so sure of this a year or so before. Now...well, now she didn't know. The idea of sex before marriage didn't revolt her. It was the idea of sex with _Andrew_ that did. 

A knock on the window saved her from having this conversation with him yet again. Through the tinted glass she could see Dot standing there, her eyes shifting from side to side and glancing over her shoulder as if she was uneasy about something. 

“What does Dot want from you?” She inquired with a furrowed brow, the confusion evident in her tone. 

Andrew didn't respond to her, but instead rolled down the window just enough so Dot could see over the edge. She had opened her mouth to speak, though immediately shut it when she realized who was sitting in his passenger seat. It wasn't Christa Findlay, but instead a confused Shelby. 

“Uh...wrong car,” she stammered before turning on her heel and quickly hustling away from the truck. Shelby wasn't convinced. Everyone knew what Dot did on the side to make some money. She was never one to judge someone else's circumstances, especially Dot’s because of her father, but it still wasn't right. Was Andrew a customer? 

“What was that?” Shelby decided not to beat around the bush about it. Andrew merely shrugged his shoulders while rolling the window back up, his jaw clenched and his eyes focused forward out the windshield. 

“She said wrong car,” he finally responded. 

The thing about Shelby was that she wasn't stupid. Some people would look at her and see blonde hair and a bubbly personality, and immediately assume she was your stereotypical “dumb blonde”. She couldn't be further from that. Sure, she had her moments of confusion here and there, but who didn't? Common sense was something she prided herself in having. She was also easily able to read people - _most_ people - which meant she wasn't blind to the fact that Dot had indeed been at the correct car. 

“I have to go,” she finally said when Andrew made no further attempts to explain himself. “I have to drop Melody off at dance before meeting Toni.” 

Shelby was reaching for the door handle as she spoke, but then momentarily paused when she realized what she had said. It wasn't a secret that she was going to see Toni that evening; the issue was that she knew how Andrew would react and it was something she wanted to avoid. 

“Toni Shalifoe?” He had turned his head to look at her, a mixed expression of confusion and disgust written across his features. “What're you doing with that dyke?” 

“Do not use that language,” she was quick to reprimand him. Her tone was more stern than she had meant for it to be. Andrew was able to take note of this. “But if you must know, we’re only meeting because of her page in the yearbook.” 

Shelby didn't consider it to be a big deal. She was doing something for school, so where would the issue lie? Andrew would definitely say otherwise. He simply eyed her from the driver’s side of the truck. It was clear that he had more he wanted to say, his thoughts more than likely consisting of insults saved specifically for Toni. Instead of sitting around and waiting to hear whatever it was he wanted to say, Shelby opened the car door and gracefully stepped down to the pavement of the parking lot. She had barely made it a foot away before Andrew was revving his engine and peeling out of the student lot. 

Yes, he was angry, and no, she didn’t care. 

Texas was the one place she had ever called ‘home’. It’s where she had been born and raised. Honestly, she had never even been out of the state before. It was beautiful and had a lot to offer, most of which was admirable, but Shelby wasn’t oblivious to the bad aspects of it. The heavy religious manners that swept the southern state could easily be considered not ideal or even unsafe for specific groups of people. All of her life, she had been taught through the church that abortion was wrong, as was divorce, and that marriage was strictly between a man and a woman. She had grown to accept this as fact, but all of that began to crumble the older she became. 

Shelby was so sure her father could see this every sunday when they sat in the church pews and he eyed her from the front of the congregation where he preached. It was fairly obvious that she was uninterested in the word of God; this was never something she would ever admit. At least not to her family. She was just barely able to admit it to herself. How could a religion that preached nothing but love and acceptance for all people turn their back on others merely because of the way they chose to live their lives? It would forever be a mystery to Shelby. 

So, with Andrew being a part of her church, he shared the same views as the rest of them. Not Shelby, though. 

After fumbling around in her purse for her car keys, while also fighting the urge to dump the contents out in search of them, Shelby had successfully made it into the safety of her car. She started the Jeep, but didn’t yet pull out of her spot. There was too much going through her mind, most of which she wasn’t even able to pinpoint. The current thought at the forefront was most definitely of Andrew. How much more would she be able to take from this so-called “relationship”? Everyday with him was just the same thing over and over again: gag-worthy flirting in front of his friends, makeout sessions in his dumb truck, and then sometimes he would buy her dinner. Most of the time he would just try to take her somewhere quiet so he could make another attempt at getting into her pants. It definitely wasn’t an ideal situation. She was nothing more than a pretty trophy that he enjoyed having hanging off his arm. 

With a deep breath, Shelby took a quick glance of herself in the rearview mirror so she could adjust any makeup that had been smeared out of place, and then hastily exited the school parking lot. 

x x x 

The Blue Diner was one of those old school, fifties style restaurants. It was located on the outskirts of their town, meaning it wasn’t really frequented much by people that wouldn’t be considered ‘regulars’ to the establishment. So, she was rather shocked when Toni suggested it as their meeting place. And despite it being only a restaurant, Shelby felt that it told her a lot about the kind of person Toni was as well. Secretive, to herself most of the time, and one for nostalgia. 

The outside of it was shiny metal with a bright blue light up sign smack in the middle with the name written in cursive. There was something about it that was calming to Shelby, like she already knew it would be the kind of restaurant that had a waitress who would always remember your name and treat you like family every time she served you. It was a great deal different from the uppity restaurants and steakhouses her father and Andrew preferred to frequent. 

As she pulled into an empty parking spot, one of the many, she cut the ignition and simply stared up at the building. She had no idea if Toni had already arrived or if she would even show up in the first place. They had never exchanged numbers before, so if she had cancelled, then Shelby would have no way of knowing. Oh well. If that happened to be the case, then at least she would try to get a milkshake out of it. 

Shelby gasped when a knock to her window brought her out of her thoughts. Her eyes were wide as she abruptly turned her head to acknowledge who the culprit of the sound was, only to see Toni standing there with an arched eyebrow. Toni had her backpack slung over her shoulder, one hand grasping the strap of it, while the other clutched a skateboard to her side. Huh, that was something she hadn’t known about her. 

She must’ve been staring because Toni was shaking her head and already heading up to the steps of the diner before she had time to process what was happening. 

“Ah, Toni!” A man in the back of the diner that could only be seen through a narrow opening, he was presumably the cook, waved a delighted hand at the two of them. “Your usual?” He continued, earning himself a grin from the girl in front of him. 

“You know it,” Toni responded before pausing to glance back to where she stood, her eyes squinting as if in an attempt to figure something out about her. “You eat meat, right? I never really know who does and doesn’t anymore with Martha being a vegetarian.”

Shelby offered the brunette a small smile, and nodded her head. “Yeah, I do.” 

“Make that two, Johnny!” Toni yelled loud enough for the cook to hear her; he waved the spatula he was grasping in a motion to let her know he understood. 

Toni led her to the far side of the diner so they could sit in the very last booth. It was on the complete opposite side of where the rest of the patrons sat, but something told her this was the usual routine for Toni. And as if on cue, an older woman that displayed a nametag that simply read ‘Ruth’ approached their table with a kind expression plastered all over her features. 

“Coke and a chocolate shake for ya, Toni?” She inquired, earning a single nod from the other girl that sat across from her in the booth. Both of them then shifted their eyes to where she sat, silently asking what she would also be having. It took Shelby a moment to realize this, so when she did finally pick up on the social cues, she was too embarrassed to even glance at the menu. 

“Oh...I’ll have the same,” she blurted out with a nervous laugh, though she was quick to cover it with a polite smile. 

With a wink in Toni’s direction and a small tap to their table, Ruth was heading back to the counter area to prepare their drinks and shakes. Shelby followed the older woman’s movements, watching as she happily interacted with an even older man that sat at the bar with a piece of what appeared to be apple pie in front of him. There was something about the interaction that made her smile linger. 

“Ruth has been working here for years.” Toni’s voice easily garnered her attention, and her focus was soon back on her. “Everytime I ask her for how long she gives me a different answer. Sometimes it’s ten years, other times it can be as many as twenty five.” 

Shelby took note of the way Toni’s tone changed when speaking about the woman. It was clear that she was more than just a waitress to her.

“So, what are these dire questions that you so desperately need me to answer?” And with that, the typical Toni tone was back. There was an edge to her voice, one that let her know she was guarded - as usual - and she probably wouldn’t be getting any deep responses from her. 

“They aren’t _dire_ ,” she countered before retrieving the yellow yearbook notebook from her bag. Shelby laid the notebook out on the table and began to flip through page after page before coming to the one she had designated to Toni’s mini interview. Her name was impeccably written across the very top line, followed by a little basketball she had doodled while bored in English class that day.

Toni chuckled as her fingers spun the napkin-wrapped silverware around in a circle on the table. “Must be if you agreed to be seen with me for some half-assed answers.” 

“You’re already admitting to giving me half-assed answers?” Shelby quickly fired back at her with no hesitation. Toni glanced up to her, only holding her gaze for a beat before she was fixated back on the silverware. 

“I guess we’ll see about that, won’t we?” 

Ruth was approaching their table before either girl could have another word. She thanked the woman as she placed the Coke and large milkshake down for her, then promising that their food would be up shortly. Shelby eyed the milkshake and sugary beverage that sat beside it; she could only imagine what he father would have to say in regards to it. However the lecture may have gone, it would surely end in her sipping from a glass of water. 

“Okay, well let’s start off with an easy one: how long have you been playing basketball?” Shelby readied her pen on the paper to begin writing, the anticipation building for Toni’s response. 

“Pretty much since I could walk. My mom got me one of those plastic toy hoops for my birthday when I was like three, and the rest is history.”

Shelby scribbled down an abbreviated version of the reply, occasionally glancing up to Toni as she did. The other girl wasn’t even looking at her, but instead was focused on the tabletop. Her gaze seemed dazed as if she was momentarily lost in the memory provoked. 

“What would you say is your best, or favorite, position?” Shelby continued with the questions since there were a handful she had to get through. Not all of the answers would be used, the yearbook committee had decided. Just the ones with the best replies from each athlete would make the cut considering they had a limited amount of space for each page once the photographs were inserted. 

“Well, I’ve yet to get any complaints about the positions I like.” 

The response confused her. She had started to write it down, but then paused when she realized it didn’t make much sense. Tilting her head to the side, Shelby lifted her green eyes to meet with Toni’s darker ones from across the table. “What was that?” She pondered aloud, only then realizing because of that infamous smirk what Toni had _actually_ meant. 

“Can you _please_ take this seriously?” Shelby groaned out in annoyance when Toni burst out into a fit of laughter. 

“You’re asking me a bunch of bullshit questions and you expect me to take it seriously?” 

“I have only asked you _two_ questions so far, and the last one you made into a...perverted joke.” When Toni said nothing, instead choosing to continue to laugh at the rise she had incited from the blonde, Shelby slammed her notebook closed. “Maybe I should just go. This was clearly a waste of our time.”

x x x

**[ TONI’S POV ]**

Toni reached across the table to snag the yellow notebook before Shelby could make a move to leave. She then leaned back against the cracked leather of the booth as she began to flip through the pages that held nothing more than yearbook information. Okay, so maybe she felt a little bad for making a joke out of Shelby’s dumb yearbook so soon into their meeting. It wasn’t like her to give into serious situations unless the situation in question incited anger from her, so what had Shelby really been expecting? It must’ve been the Jesus in her heart that put too much faith into Toni. 

“Damn. You really have to write this much for a yearly popularity contest?” Toni whistled in surprise when her eyes scanned over line after line of Shelby’s perfect penmanship. Honestly, she really had no idea so much work went into creating the yearbooks. 

“Please give it back.” Shelby had laid her hand out on the table as if that would help convince Toni to return the notebook to her. Fat chance. 

After a moment, Toni grew bored of the notebook’s contents, so she closed it up but continued to hold it hostage in her lap. “How about this: for every question you ask me, I get to ask you one in return?” 

Shelby looked at her in mild confusion, but then slowly began to pull her hand back. She was going to play her game. 

“Fine.” The blonde responded. “I’m an open book.”

“Why do you do those stupid pageants?” It didn’t take much brainpower for Toni to come up with that question. She had been curious of the answer since Shelby started bragging about the pageants way back in the sixth grade. 

“Excuse me, but they are _not_ stupid. If you must know, I do them because they look great on college applications and most of them give tuition money away as prizes.” 

The response was not what she had been expecting. Shelby didn’t say she did the pageants because she found them fun or because she liked the glitz and glamour of them - that being what she had thought would come from her. Despite the lame answer, Toni was able to detect a glint of sadness in her green eyes when the pageants had been brought up. It was the same look she saw in her own mirror everyday that she woke up in her foster family’s house. 

“Shooting guard.” Toni finally answered the second question she had been asked, this time with an actual basketball position. “It’s the position I’m best at and also my favorite.” 

“Can I have my notebook back so I can write that down?” Shelby inquired with raised eyebrows.

Toni huffed, but regretfully returned the putrid yellow notebook back to its rightful owner. 

x x x 

The two girls shot out question after question while eating their cheeseburgers and fries. Shelby had long forgotten about the yearbook questions and instead began to ask random inquiries in place of them. After only half an hour, Toni had already revealed her favorite color, what kind of animal she would want to be, and tens of other nonsensical facts about herself. This was beginning to feel more like a never ending icebreaker at a summer camp. 

“You hate ketchup?” Toni exclaimed in shock when Shelby popped a bare fry into her mouth, laughing as she did. 

“Lord, yes! The smell, the texture...just everything.” Her nose scrunched up in disgust while eyeing the pile of ketchup Toni had just recently squeezed onto her plate. She could not believe the ridiculous, blasphemous things she was hearing. 

Dragging a fry through her ketchup until it was successfully lathered in the substance, Toni shoved it into her mouth in a dramatic demonstration to show just how much she truly loved the condiment. Shelby merely covered her mouth with her hand and faked a gag.

“You’re missing out,” Toni mused, shaking her head. 

Shelby didn’t respond, but instead reached for what was left of her milkshake and began to sip from it. Toni chewed on her lower lip while watching her though a fry still dangled between her fingertips; it was but a distant thought at that point. She found herself drifting back to the scene in the cafeteria earlier that day when Shelby shamefully pushed her cookie away after Andrew mumbled something to her. No, Toni wasn’t able to hear what was said, but she sure as hell could take a guess. 

“What’s Andrew’s deal?” The girl then found herself asking. Her facial expression had drifted back to that of a blank one, as well as her tone becoming less welcoming. It wasn’t something she did on purpose, but instead something that just happened when she was feeling a little...heated. 

Shelby removed her mouth from the straw, her tongue just barely slipping out to push the plastic away from her lips. Toni wasn’t sure why she had noticed that of all things. “What do you mean?”

“I mean...why is he such a dick?” Her bluntness caught Shelby off guard, her eyes wide while staring across the diner table. 

Shelby said nothing at first. Her gaze had fallen to the glass holding the milkshake and she was now swirling the remaining contents around with her straw. Toni figured she was trying to come up with an answer for her question that didn't reek of bullshit. 

“He's not a, well, _that_.” 

“A dick.” Toni repeated, earning her a flash of green eyes. 

“Yeah…” Shelby continued despite being unable to say the word. “I mean, not really. Not all the time, I guess.” 

Toni was unsure of where Shelby was going with this. She was shocked the blonde wasn't defending her boyfriend as she normally would and how she had done countless times in the past. Maybe there was a bit of trouble in paradise. 

“Andrew and I have been together since freshman year. It's just easier to keep it that way.” 

There was regret in Shelby’s voice, that much was obvious to Toni. She could also easily pick up on how sad she sounded when speaking of him and something within Toni wanted to know why. The couple always appeared so happy together at school, except for when Shelby thought no one was looking. Though Toni found herself looking more than she would like to admit. 

“Do you love him?” Toni followed up her question with one she was sure Shelby would find much harder to answer judging by her previous attempts. 

“Excuse me?” The other girl was quite taken back by the question, so much so that she leaned back in her side of the booth. 

“It's a simple question. Do you love him? Because coming from an outsider's perspective, you don't.”

Toni watched as Shelby went through a multitude of facial expressions in a span of five seconds. She was shocked, angry, confused, and then finally only an expression that made her think of acceptance appeared. She knew she had struck a nerve, but maybe she had also helped push Shelby to some sort of realization. 

“Of course I do!” Was what came out of Shelby’s mouth, but her tone and the look in her eyes didn't tell the same story. “How could you even ask something like that?” 

“Bullshit.” Toni released the one word response with a laugh. 

“Look,” Shelby began while she grabbed her yearbook notebook and slipped it back into her bag, “I don't know why you care so much about my relationship. I would appreciate it if you just stopped bad mouthing my boyfriend, though.” 

“Your boyfriend bad mouths me every time I walk by him, so why shouldn't I do the same?” Toni retorted in that matter-of-fact tone she held so well. 

Unfortunately, Shelby was already gathering her things and preparing herself to leave. She had walked a few steps, paused, deep sighed at herself, and then dug around in her purse before retrieving some money and placing it on the table for her food after returning to the table. Toni merely watched the scene transpire in amusement. 

Toni remained seated for a few seconds. She chewed on her lower lip while silently pondering to herself if she should just let Shelby go or try to reconcile for whatever reason. As much as she wanted to go with the latter, she chose the former. 

“I didn't mean to get you all fired up, princess.” Toni breathed out as she stepped out of the diner, only a couple of paces behind the blonde. “It was just a question.” 

Shelby clutched her car keys in her hand but said nothing. She watched as Toni placed her skateboard on the ground and began to push it back and forth with her foot. Eventually, she heaved a sigh of defeat and then motioned to her car. 

“Do you want a ride home?” 

The question shocked Toni. She definitely was not expecting to be offered such kindness after having just poked and prodded Shelby’s brain. 

With a purse of her lips, she shook her head. “Nah, I'm good. I like the fresh air.” 

“Okay, well, I guess I'll see you tomorrow then.” 

Toni nodded in agreement, their eyes then locking. Despite both of them having just said their goodbyes, neither girl made an effort to leave right away. Once Shelby finally decided to take the lead, carefully pulling out of her spot and then heading down the road, Toni scurried back into the diner to help Ruth clean up their mess. 

x x x

It was more than an hour later before Toni was home. The house was quiet aside from the sound of the television playing some random rerun in the living room. This let her know that her foster mom was home, but more than likely also knocked out on the couch. Toni chose to not even poke her head around the corner to check. Instead, she went straight for her small bedroom and securely shut the door behind her. 

After doing her homework and talking to Martha for a bit, Toni figured it was time to turn in. Her brain didn't seem to agree. She tossed and turned in bed, her thoughts running at lightning speed back and forth inside her mind. She thought about the upcoming basketball game, how she was struggling in her chemistry class, and the way Shelby had smiled at her that night. Toni hated that the prim and proper blonde occupied her mind so frequently now. It drove her mad. 

The only way her brain began to settle was when she focused on the way Shelby had looked outside of the diner. A blue light was casted upon her from the sign above them, softening her features even more. This made it easy for Toni to see just how bright her eyes were, despite the sheen of the blue, when they did nothing but stare at each other. 

_Two hours._ She had spent two hours with Shelby and already she was feeling the nerves that would accompany seeing her again the next day. 

“Dammit,” she groaned to herself. Toni snatched her spare pillow from beside her and held it over her face, now desperate to try anything to get the blonde out of her head.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all of the support I've already gotten after one chapter! It really makes me even more excited to get this story going. 
> 
> It's a little jumpy at first, but I'm trying to set the mood and show off how their personalities will be.   
> Also, this will mainly be in Shelby's POV, but Toni will hop in every now and then as she did in this chapter.


	3. despite the warning signs

Ever since she was thirteen, Shelby has had the same morning routine: wake up at 5am, go for a run around her neighborhood, get ready for school, and then have breakfast with her family. Sometimes the breakfast only consisted of a piece of fruit or a quick bowl of cereal, whereas other times her mother would go all out with a full meal for them. It was the time they spent together as a family, aside from dinner, when they could catch up with all things happening with each other.

Shelby had always disliked it. 

Her siblings, Spencer and Melody, would typically end up fighting over something small, leading their father to scold them. It wasn't necessarily the first thing she wanted to hear every morning. Trying to get out of it was also not very likely; her father always managed to stop her on her way out so they could have a one-on-one chat with each other about anything that may be on their minds that morning. Shelby usually lied and told him she was racing to cram in some extra studying for a test, then they would pray about it before she could be dismissed. This was the norm for her. 

“...and please, Lord, bless this food we are about to consume...even Shelby’s grapefruit…” The table erupted into a fit of small snickers in response to her father’s playful jab at her choice in breakfast that morning. “In your name we pray. Amen.”

Once she had released Spencer and her mother’s hand, she began to dig into the grapefruit. She was eager to get out of the house but she couldn’t let it be too obvious or else the questions would be never ending. While her parents did pry into her life and she was typically open with them about most things, she just couldn’t bring herself to keep that same energy right in that moment. There was too much going on in her head - too much that they wouldn’t want to hear. 

“What’s the rush, Shelbs?” Her father inquired with a chuckle; he had been too busy scooping eggs onto his piece of toast to notice her pace any earlier. 

Shelby focused her gaze on him and smiled while simultaneously shaking her head. “The yearbook deadline is coming up,” she explained after swallowing her bite of the sour fruit, “so there’s just a lot I have to do during any free time I get.” 

“It’s nice to see you so passionate about something that isn’t pageants, honey,” her mother then chimed in, earning herself a sharp glance from her father. “I know you love them, but it’s good to focus on other things as well for your college applications.” 

Her mother had been quick to cover her statement due to the look her father had given her. Her father was very adamant about her pageants because he thought that was going to be her ‘in’. Miss Teen USA would lead to Miss USA, and then maybe even Miss Universe: that was the plan he had for her. Well, along with college, of course. Shelby was convinced her father wanted her to have no time for herself. 

While he had always been stern about the pageants, he only became more insistent of them after the previous summer. It was all because of the situation surrounding Becca. 

That was a subject that Shelby desperately tried to not even think about. She couldn’t bear to let her mind fall into the same depressive state again. Honestly, she wasn’t sure if she would be able to dig her way out of it this time. 

“Are you going to be recognized as the Homecoming Queen in the yearbook?” Her father spoke up once more, now peering at her from over the edge of his orange juice. 

“There will be a section for it, yeah,” she explained. Shelby was itching to get away from the dining room table. Her father was only ever concerned about the physical accomplishments; yes, he was strict on grades too, but Shelby knew how important it was to her father that everyone _see_ how successful she was. It merely added more gold stars to their family’s name.

Dave Goodkind was far more excited about her Homecoming win than she was. 

Melody suddenly broke through the conversation; she began to go on and on about the dance they were learning in her ballet class and the fact that she found the tights to be uncomfortable. Shelby was thankful to have the focus off of her. 

After cleaning her dish and kissing both of her parents goodbye, she was able to finally make her escape out into the real world. It was terrifying, but not as much as the looming gaze of her father.

x x x

Shelby’s favorite time of the school day was her study hall period. It was one of the only times she was able to have a moment to herself, or at least not have one of her superficial friends gossiping in her ear. Because of her main editor position on the yearbook, she typically had free rein of the school during this hour. Sometimes she could be found in the library, other times in the empty photography room where she could truly be alone. The only people who could ever successfully find her were Nora or Leah, but they had already disclosed to her that they would both be otherwise occupied in the library that week to write their History papers. 

Pictures were laid out in front of her in a manner that she kept adjusting over and over again. She had been told at least a dozen times that the task of creating pages for the yearbook would be tremendously easier with a photo editing program on the computers and each time she declined the suggestion. Shelby preferred to have the option of physically touching the items. This way was easier for her to get a grasp on. 

With pursed lips, Shelby leaned over the table to switch the position of two photos before then placing them back in their previous spots after a long pause. She was working on the dreaded Homecoming page; it was one she had been putting off for quite awhile but her father’s statement earlier that morning had reminded her of it. What a _shame_ it would’ve been if she had completely forgotten it… 

“Oh shit, that looks sick.” 

Shelby jumped at the shock of the voice coming from behind her. With stunned eyes, she quickly turned her head to see Dot standing there with a sandwich in her hand. She was focused on the pictures Shelby had just been touching before eventually averting her gaze back to her’s. 

“What are you doing in here?” Shelby inquired with a furrowed brow, then glancing around to see if anyone else had happened to slip in without her knowledge.

Dot shrugged and took another bite from the sandwich. “I always eat lunch here.”

“No you don’t. I’ve never seen you here before.” Shelby countered while shaking her head.

With another shrug, Dot pulled out the chair that was off to her right and comfortably situated herself into it. It didn’t seem like Shelby was going to be getting rid of her anytime soon. After releasing a small breath of air, Shelby continued with the task at hand. She thought she had finally arranged the pictures in a pattern that she enjoyed when Dot made a small sound of disapproval. Shelby cut her eyes at her, her fingers paused over the smaller image of her and Andrew - he of course being the Homecoming King. 

“Is there an issue?” The blonde inquired with raised eyebrows. Dot merely pushed out her lips and shook her head in a silent response. This definitely led Shelby to believe that there was a problem but she couldn’t find it in herself to press the topic further. 

They continued on like this for a couple of minutes; Dot would occasionally offer a suggestion or just simply make the same noise she had previously for reasons unknown. It always seemed to be when she was focusing on a picture of Andrew.

_Andrew._

“Hey, can I ask you something?” Shelby turned to face Dot, her hip leaning into the edge of the table she was working on. She held the picture of her and Andrew, her eyes glancing down at it as she tried to find the right way to ask the question occupying her mind. 

“Shoot.” Dot declared with little to no hesitation.

“Well...when you came to Andrew’s truck yesterday...that wasn’t actually an accident, was it?” She wanted to flat out ask Dot if she was selling drugs to Andrew, but Shelby figured that would’ve been an aggressive way to go about it. So, she instead chose to be a little coy with her query. 

Dot swirled her can of Coke around and Shelby was sure she could see the gears turning in her head as if struggling to find the right way to respond. “Why don’t you ask him?”

“Believe me, I’ve tried. He kind of just blew me off about it but I get that feeling that he’s hiding something, ya know? Do you ever get that feeling in the pit of your stomach because you _know_ something isn’t right?” Shelby knew she was rambling - it was something she did when she became nervous. “I’ve been getting that a lot lately when it comes to him.”

Dot chuckled into the soda can that she had to her lips and was taking a generous swallow from. She nodded while then lowering it, her finger wagging at the blonde in a gesture that said ‘you’ve got it’. 

“Sounds to me like you’ve got more problems to worry about with him than the drugs he buys.” 

Shelby held Dot’s gaze as she dissected the statement. Had she just told her that Andrew was buying drugs from her without _actually_ saying he was? 

“Yeah…” Shelby’s voice trailed off though she was nodding her head slowly in agreement. Taking another study of the picture of her and Andrew, she then set it back down in the open spot on her layout so she could just be done with it. Shelby then realized she was done in more ways than one.

x x x

Biology was the last class she had of the day and also the only one she shared with Toni. Unfortunately, Andrew also occupied the classroom. It was because of him that her mind had been spinning ever since her little talk with Dot a couple of hours prior, and the longer she thought about it, the angrier she became. Dot’s statement could’ve meant a million things, but Shelby was convinced that the other girl was trying to give her a hint to a couple of things. If they happened to be true then Shelby would have to thank her. 

Due to his last name, Andrew was seated closer to the front of the room. She was two rows back compared to him, and then Toni bringing up the rear. With the way it all lined up, Toni sat directly behind her. The addition of a new student earlier in the year had made this so. Shelby never thought too much about it though. If they had still been in elementary school then she would’ve been constantly worried that Toni would put chewed gum in her hair or constantly agitate her throughout the class. The brunette rarely ever made a peep. 

Shelby tried her best to avoid Andrew’s gaze as she walked into the classroom with another group of students. He had raised his hand to wave at her, motioning for her to come to his desk until class started. Declining the invitation, Shelby simply pried her eyes away from his. Andrew would surely know something was up with her, and of course there was, but she was waiting until after school to discuss it all with him. If she was able to find the courage to do so, that is. 

As she approached her desk, she noticed Toni sit up straighter and present her with a slight smile. She wanted to return it, at least to be polite, but Shelby couldn’t muster up the effort right then. Yes, her issues with Andrew were fleeting through her mind, but Toni was also rather present as well. Thoughts and images of the athlete were constantly finding their way in; Shelby had no idea what it meant - at least not in a way she wanted to admit - and that terrified her. 

Once she had taken her seat and opened her notebook to a clean sheet, Shelby stared straight forward. Mrs. Taylor occupied her desk in the far corner of the room and only looked up from the papers she was grading when the bell rang to signal the start of their class. She immediately began her lesson, explaining that they would need to read the following two chapters and complete the study guide she had another student passing out to each of them. 

_Great,_ Shelby sarcastically thought, _more time to spend with my worries._

Only ten minutes into their reading had passed when she heard a whisper coming from behind her. Toni was attempting to draw her attention and when the mutter of her name didn’t work, she then felt the eraser end of a pencil lightly poke her shoulder. Although she wanted to ignore this, Shelby knew she wouldn’t be able to. She glanced over her shoulder to see Toni leaned forward in her desk a bit just so she wouldn’t have to further heighten her hushed tone. 

“Did you get all the answers you needed from me for the yearbook?”

Shelby was unsure as to why the topic was being brought up and she was positive this was obvious by the way her eyebrows slightly furrowed. “Yes, I did. Thanks.”

Honestly, at least half of the questions were still blank. And while she did want more material to work with so she could make the yearbook only better than the year before, she knew it wouldn’t be a good idea to do so. Shelby was still trying to process what last night even _was_ because it definitely was not something that the two of them did. She had never shared a meal with Toni before, not unless you were to count snack time in elementary school. 

And as if Toni could sense the distance in her tone, Shelby watched as the other girl’s expression rapidly changed before she then leaned back in her seat. Toni’s jaw had clenched and she began to shake her pencil rapidly between two of her fingers all while looking at Shelby in a way that made it seem like she was just trying to figure her out. _Good luck._

With that, Shelby turned back around to attempt to focus on her reading. It was more than likely a vain pursuit at this point but she needed to keep up some sort of semblance of interest. 

“I'm so sick of looking at your fucking ponytail. I feel like it thinks it's better than me.” Toni’s voice was still quiet but also filled with a harsh edge. Shelby should've known it was coming; there was no way the other girl could go even twenty four hours without being mean or judgemental towards her. The current time of nineteen hours might have been the longest streak yet. 

Shelby said nothing in response. There was a small smile that had crept onto her lips, though she brought her pen to them to momentarily chew on to hide this. Toni’s bid to get under her skin with an attack on her hair was amusing to her. Also, did that mean Toni spent a great deal of time just staring at her hair from behind? The thought caused her stomach to turn. Not because she found it appalling, but actually the opposite. Deep down, she liked knowing Toni admired her. 

As soon as the thought entered her mind, her fingers were yet again clasped around the cross that hung from her neck. 

x x x 

“Let's do something tonight.” Andrew’s fingers toyed with the ends of her hair, a smirk on his lips. She watched the expressions on his face transpire and although she wanted to be far away from him, she kept up appearances with a smile. His smirk was nothing like Toni’s though. It didn't bring forth the same weightless feeling in her stomach. 

What the hell did that mean? 

When Shelby didn't immediately respond, Andrew pressed the subject further. “Fatin is having a party tonight. All the boys are going. You should come with us.”

Fatin was known for throwing the best parties. She used to go to their school before being transferred to a private one the next town over. There was a lot of speculation as to why she was pulled out of Hopewell and plopped down into a school that forced her to wear plaid knee-length skirts; some said she had an affair with a teacher, others would say it was actually the principal. It was all rumors though and Shelby didn't like to get caught up in such things. 

“Yeah, that sounds like fun.” Shelby finally settled on a response. She wanted to go just to have some sort of social life and she knew that Andrew going with his friends as well would keep him occupied for most of the night. That would only be for the best because Shelby was still sitting on the talk she wanted to have with him. She wasn't sure how long she was going to wait to bring it up. 

Andrew’s face lit up. His touch traveled from her hair and down the length of her arm before he grasped onto her hand. Shelby forced her own smile to match his because she knew people were watching. She could practically feel the stare of one person in particular and when she glanced over Andrew’s shoulder to solidify this feeling, she could clearly see Toni further down the school parking lot with her eyes on them. 

“Pick me up at 8?” Shelby was quick to avert her gaze back to Andrew’s before he could notice the lapse in her focus. 

x x x 

Fatin’s house was a mansion. She was sure people had gotten lost in it on more than one occasion, especially after having a couple of drinks. That's why Shelby typically chose to linger around the main areas of the house. The last thing she wanted was to deal with the embarrassment. 

“What is up, party people!” Fatin exclaimed in a loud tone as the group of boys, including herself, appeared in the kitchen. The petite girl began to hug a couple of the guys, then explaining to them that they had an abundance of alcohol to choose from that night. She cracked a joke about something and then went on her way to mingle with more guests. 

The party was already in full swing when they arrived - not that she would expect anything less from a Fatin Party. Every corner of the room was filled with people, some with faces she recognized and others that she didn't. Shelby assumed the latter were students from her private school. As she studied the crowd, Shelby suddenly began to feel underdressed. Most of the girls had on tight dresses and heels, whereas she had on a pair of jeans with a cropped tank that showed off about an inch of her abdomen, but she had placed an equally cropped cardigan over it to keep herself modest. Although most people wouldn't assume so, Shelby was rather self conscious, more so than usual when she felt out of place. 

“Babe, I'm gonna grab a drink. Do you want anything?” Andrew had leaned down to speak into her ear, making it possible for her to hear him over the music bumping through the speakers. 

“No, I'm okay for right now.” Shelby shook her head, her gaze finding his when he leaned back enough to look down at her. Then, before he made his leave, he grasped the back of her neck and forced a firm kiss to her lips. Shelby knew what Andrew was doing. It wasn't a gesture meant for her, but instead for everyone else in the room that happened to see it. He was letting them know that she was off limits. 

Shelby lingered in the same spot for only a minute or so. She had caught sight of Christa Findlay on the opposite side of the kitchen, the other girl glaring at her due to Andrew’s public display of affection. Shelby wanted to strut over to Christa and let her know that she could have him, that she was done. Unfortunately, she did no such thing. Her gaze slowly drifted around the kitchen in an attempt to let Christa know that her silent glares didn't affect her. That's when she saw Andrew still in front of the kitchen island, which was lined with bottle after bottle of liquor, but there were two girls giggling along to whatever he was saying. 

It wasn't the fact that he was flirting with other girls that bothered her, but instead it was him doing it so openly that was irritating. If Andrew wanted other girls then that's all he had to say. Shelby would have no objections with immediately halting their relationship. 

Before she could be made out into even more of a fool, Shelby turned on her heel and carried herself to another section of the large house. She was now in one of the two living rooms; it was still loud but people were more so chatting and laughing with each other instead of chugging beers and doing body shots. Shelby would smile and wave with anyone she recognized from school, though she wasn't friends enough with any of them to stop and chat. She was just about to venture to a third room when she noticed Dot sitting on the floor in front of the fireplace and Toni seated on the edge of said fireplace. 

Had she ever seen them at one of Fatin’s parties before? Honestly, she had no idea. Shelby used to be so far up Andrew’s ass that all she would do was hang around him. That was what used to be “fun” for her. 

Dot and Toni were laughing about something when she approached them. Toni’s laughter faded when she noticed the blonde whereas Dot continued with her chuckles, unaware of the awkward tension between the other two. 

“Hey,” Shelby breathed out with a smile. She was nervously playing with the ring around her finger, slipping it off and on. Maybe she should've let Andrew bring her a drink if for no reason other than to calm her nerves ever so slightly. To feel less awkward, Shelby lowered herself down to kneel and sit back on her heels in front of the others. 

Neither of the girls before her had a chance to say any sort of greeting back because a third girl, Regan, had soon approached with drinks in her hand. 

“Beer for you,” she spoke while leaning down to pass the cup to Dot, another cup then going to Toni. “And whatever that fruity punch stuff is for you.” 

Regan hadn't even noticed Shelby sitting there and it wasn't until she took a seat by Toni, rather close she noted, that she did. 

“Oh, hi!” Regan announced with a wide smile that took up most of her face. And with that, Shelby propelled into 'youth group’ mode. 

“Hey there, I'm Shelby.” She leaned forward to extend her hand out to the girl, who then took it for a slight shake. Toni rolled her eyes from beside her and looked away, her expression soon covered with the disposable cup she had just recently been given. 

“This isn't a fucking business meeting,” Toni hissed once she had swallowed the red liquid that filled her cup. 

Shelby chuckled despite the sharp tone in Toni’s voice. “Well, my daddy always says that you can tell a lot about a person by their handshake. It may be old fashioned but I think that we, as a society, should consider returning to those polite ways.” 

“You're seriously deranged, did you know that?” Toni followed up her statement with a hot take of her own. 

“There's nothing wrong with being polite, Toni. You should try it sometime.” 

Dot snorted out a laugh. Regan also lowly chuckled to herself. Both girls then took swallows from their drinks in a bid to hide their amusement towards Shelby’s jab, but Toni was already glancing back and forth between the two after having shot a glare in Shelby’s direction. 

“Screw you guys, seriously. I can be polite.” The athlete exclaimed, her statement then earning her a round of snickers for herself. Even Shelby joined in this time. That might've been the funniest thing she had heard all day. 

With her jaw clenched and an annoyance that exuded from her, Toni pushed herself up from the ledge of the fireplace and stepped by where Shelby was seated. 

“Where are you going?” Dot called out, though Toni did nothing more than hold up her cup to indicate that she was getting a drink. Shelby was sure her cup wasn't empty and she only wanted to be away from their jokes for a few minutes. Toni had never been one to take things easily, but she sure as hell could dish it out. 

Shelby had allowed her focus to shift back to Regan. She was curious about the girl but her main reasoning behind this made her uneasy. Were her and Toni just friends or was there something more there? Shelby had never seen them act in a way that would indicate they were dating, but with how Regan had been sitting, so close that her knee touched Toni’s, brought forth an assumption of a relationship. 

“So, how do all of you know each other?” Shelby brightly smiled as if that would hide her true intentions for the question. 

“Toni and I have been tight since freshman year,” Dot spoke up, shrugging. Shelby already knew they were friends. She had witnessed them goofing off in the halls of the school multiple times so that wasn't news to her. Her gaze then shifted to Regan, silently waiting for her response. 

“I moved here last year and Toni was the first friend I made. Dot and I had gym together and just sort of meshed since then.” Regan finally spoke up, a smile present on her lips with every word. 

Shelby did now recall Regan’s arrival to Hopewell. She also remembered the blank spot in the yearbook where her picture would've gone had she been present for picture day. Those would always and forever be an eyesore that haunted her. 

“They dated for a bit.” Dot then added as she took it upon herself to further explain the relationship for Regan. Regan didn't seem to mind, though her eyes did drop to her cup of alcohol followed by a shrug of her own thin shoulders. Seems as if Dot had unintentionally struck a nerve. 

Just as Regan was about to make another comment, the sound of glass shattering shook them all from the conversation. Shelby quickly turned to look over her shoulder from where the crash had come from and she could only slightly make out the sight of people backing away from the kitchen island. 

“Fuck you, you asshole!” The familiar sound of Toni’s voice cut through the uncertainty that they were all feeling in that moment. None of them wanted to believe that Toni was the culprit of the crash but it also came as no surprise. 

“Nah, you did that shit on purpose!” The yelling continued and it was then that Dot rushed to her feet to intervene in whatever drama was unfolding in the kitchen. There was another sound of shattering glass before Dot could make it to the scene, followed by the quick scurrying of party-goers out of the kitchen when things started to get a little too physical for their safety. 

“Not again.” Regan muttered to herself once she was also on her feet and trailing behind Dot. 

Shelby was just then moving to get up when a girl that she recognized from her Biology class rushed over to her with wide eyes.

“Shelby!” The girl exclaimed. “It's Andrew!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The party will continue in chapter four! 
> 
> I promise more interactions between Shelby and Toni will be coming. I have so many ideas for them further down the line, but right now we have to get through their rocky start. 
> 
> Thank you again for all the feedback I've been given thus far. I fully appreciate all of it so keep it up! I love knowing what readers think of each chapter.


	4. what's under your skin?

**[ TONI’S POV ]**

What the hell was so important about being polite? 

Toni had been feigning politeness ever since she could remember; it was more common when she was working - she would heighten the tone of her voice and smile in an attempt to earn as many tips as her pockets would hold. Sometimes it worked out in her favor and other times it didn't. Well, _most_ times it didn't. No matter how hard she tried, it was as if her real personality was always breaking through. People could tell that she was faking it. But she couldn’t help that a good chunk of the population were fucking idiots that deserved her backtalk.

So, where had being polite ever genuinely gotten her? She still worked a shitty service job, had an even shittier foster family, and was never able to truly catch a break. Toni was beginning to think the universe was out to get her. Her struggles were no longer looked upon as a test but instead as utter torture. No amount of ‘thank yous’ or ‘your welcomes’ was going to change that.

The only thing that helped her get through it was the slight hope that one day maybe, just maybe, she would be rewarded with some sort of luck placed upon her. 

Today was not that day. 

Toni reached for a bottle vodka that sat upon the kitchen counter. She kept to herself as she did and made sure not to make eye contact with anyone. That's how she typically went through her days. Not drawing attention to herself was always the goal. Unless, of course, she was on the basketball court. Unfortunately, someone else had other plans for her. 

A shoulder forcefully knocked into her causing her to be unwillingly shoved against the edge of the counter. The motion of it all sent what remained of her punch sloshing out of the cup and onto her shirt - her _white_ shirt - and then the vodka bottle fell to the floor. Toni tried to grab for it but the act was too fast and she was too shocked by it to fully process what was happening within those couple of seconds. The vodka bottle shattered upon impact, sending the clear liquid to splatter across the floor and soak her shoes.

Instead of an apology coming from the clumsy person, there was only laughter. 

When Toni turned around and saw that it was Andrew standing there, his fist at his mouth as if to stifle his amusement, she saw nothing but red. 

“Fuck you, you asshole!” She threw the disposable cup at him so that the little bit of alcohol that lingered at the bottom coated the front of his overpriced, yet still ugly, button up shirt. 

“What the hell? Chill!” Andrew wasn't laughing anymore. Instead, his eyes dropped down to the small stain his shirt now had while he made an idiotic attempt to brush away the liquid that was already seeping into the fabric. “It was an accident!”

“Nah, you did that shit on purpose!” 

There was a fire in Toni’s eyes. She had been repressing so much anger the last couple of days that it was finally bubbling up within her, threatening to overflow at any second. Andrew chose the worst possible moment to fuck with her. 

Toni stepped closer to him; her jaw was clenched and her gaze was intense so he would know that she wasn't scared of him. Sure, he stood a good five inches taller than her - at least - but that didn't mean she was going to run away in fear. Andrew would never be someone that scared her. 

“You need to take a step back, Shalifoe. I would hate for you to get hurt.” 

As if something inside of her had snapped, her anger now coming to a head, Toni shoved against Andrew’s chest as hard as she could. This made him stumble back into one of his equally douchey friends and a beer bottle the friend was holding went crashing to the kitchen floor just as the vodka bottle had done only moments prior. There was now no hesitation between either party. 

Andrew lunged for her but there was a sudden tight sensation around her waist that yanked her back out of his reach. Toni flailed her legs when she was lifted as she tried to kick him in an effort to get at least _one_ hit in. She assumed she was successful in doing so because there was a sharp pain that radiated from her foot and up her shin, and the next time she glimpsed Andrew he was cradling his jaw in his palm. 

“Let me go!” Toni hollered while fighting the hold of the person that had so rudely interrupted her moment of kicking Andrew’s ass. 

The crowd of people that had surrounded them was beginning to thin out. Everyone wanted to see a fight but no one wanted to be in the line of fire. Due to this, Andrew basically had a straight shot for her. He was rushing towards her, his shoulder soon connecting with her stomach and sending her tumbling to the ground along with whoever had been stupid enough to try to intervene. By the sound of it, they had taken down a couple of innocent bystanders as well. 

“What the hell is going on?!” Fatin’s familiar voice broke through the craze of it all, but that wasn't slowing them down. 

Andrew managed to land one good hit to her face, his knuckles connecting with her lip. There was a pressure and then a stinging sensation that let her know there would soon be the taste of blood in her mouth. And just like that - the tinge of metallic met the tip of her tongue. Toni barely seemed fazed by it. 

“Andrew, stop it! Jesus! Everyone just _stop_!”

Toni was in the process of pushing herself up from the floor, her palms pressing into the shards of glass that now littered the kitchen and punctured her skin, when yet another voice began ringing in her ears. She was assuming the ringing came from said voice and not the punch she had just endured. There was a flash of blonde out of the corner of her eye and then Shelby was in front of her. She was yelling something at Andrew that was causing her hands to move in an angry manner with every word she spoke. 

“Can't ever let things go, can you?” Dot mumbled as she helped drag Toni up off the floor and onto her feet. It was then that Toni realized it had been Dot who pulled her away from the group of guys that surely would've beaten her to a bloody pulp. Toni knew she had been outnumbered and that antagonizing the fight was a terrible idea, but as always, her anger got the best of her. 

“I can handle myself!” Toni directed the comment to Dot once she was steady on her feet. She stared at the girl for a moment, fists balled up at her side, before she whipped back around to glare at Andrew. Shelby was the only thing separating them. If she really wanted to then she could've pushed by her, had another go at Andrew, and _hopefully_ walked out with some sort of success, but the way Shelby was now looking at her prevented her from doing so. 

Bright green hues silently pleaded with her, the worry Shelby was feeling quite evident in them. When their eyes locked, Toni felt a calming sensation slowly ease through her being. Her jaw relaxed and she unballed her small fists prior to finally taking a couple of steps back to signal that she was done with the fight. Toni held Shelby’s gaze for only a beat longer up until the moment she felt her arm being tugged in the opposite direction. Dot was trying to lead her away from the scene before anything else could be fired up. 

Aside from the whispering of other party-goers, all she could hear while turning away was Fatin’s angered scolding to the guys involved. 

x x x 

**[ SHELBY’S POV ]**

“What the hell was that?” Shelby’s voice was stern as she followed behind Andrew and his friends. Fatin had kicked the guys out, but not before telling them that they were not welcome to attend any more of her parties. While the girl loved to throw a rager, she hated having to do the next-day-cleanup. With this knowledge, Shelby had promised her she would be back in a minute to handle all the broken glass. This seemed to relax Fatin slightly. 

“She started it.” Andrew was tenderly rubbing the area that Toni’s shoe had collided with. She was able to see that a bruise was beginning to form and it would only get worse in the next coming days. 

“I don't care who started it!” 

Shelby and Andrew stood towards the bottom of the driveway where his truck was parked along the curb. His friends had decided to give them a bit of space and lingered back closer to the house, allowing the couple to hash it out in a semi-private manner. 

“Why the fuck are you defending her, Shelby? I'm your boyfriend and she's a nobody!” Andrew’s anger was beginning to rise again which made what she was about to do even easier. “She doesn’t matter!”

For someone who preached love and acceptance of everyone, he sure did have quite the opposite to say about Toni. 

“I'm done, Andrew.” Shelby took a small step back, her eyes looking him up and down as if to show that she no longer liked who she saw in front of her. “ _We_ are done.” 

This shut Andrew up. His eyebrows furrowed in confusion and his mouth opened as if he was going to protest but then he promptly closed it again. The boy then chuckled, shaking his head at her. Without another word, Andrew dug the keys to his truck from his pocket and motioned to his friends that they were leaving. 

Shelby didn't give him a send off. She was already trudging back up towards the mansion before Andrew even made it into the driver’s seat of the truck. The reaction he had was worrisome, she had to admit, though she didn't think Andrew would do anything in retaliation for their breakup. Or so she hoped. 

x x x 

It took both Shelby and Regan a collective thirty minutes to clean up the mess in the kitchen. She told the other girl she didn't need to help her, that she could handle it, but Regan insisted. She mumbled something about being used to cleaning up Toni’s messes and then carried on with the wipe down of the kitchen counters. 

Shelby couldn't help but to wonder just how often this happened. Everyone knew Toni was a hot head, but for things to swell to physical blows so fast...well, that was a whole new level of anger. 

“Fatin, I am so sorry for how Andrew acted.” Shelby held the broom tight in her grasp and paused her movements as Fatin peeked into the kitchen. At some point she had removed the glittery top she had been wearing and instead replaced it with a graphic t-shirt; Ugg slippers now also adorned her feet. Fatin had wasted no time in switching into a more comfortable outfit once she had ushered the remainder of her guests out. 

With a wave of her hand to dismiss the comment, Fatin took a few steps into the kitchen. “I _do_ hate fights at my parties because it really kills the vibes, but don't worry about it. It wasn't the first and I'm sure it won't be the last.” 

Shrugging, Fatin snagged a nearly empty gin bottle from the counter and sauntered back out of the kitchen. The party as a whole was over, but that didn't mean it was going to stop Fatin from continuing with only herself. 

“Toni won't let me into the bathroom.” Dot released a deep sigh after appearing in the kitchen doorway. “I was trying to help clean her up but she forced me out.” 

Regan had made a motion closer to the doorway, thinking that she could probably help the issue considering the past times she had done just that, but Shelby extended her hand out to the side to stall her movements. 

“Let me do it,” she exclaimed in an all too chipper tone for the situation while then offering the broom to Regan. “I was trained last summer as a mediator at my Bible camp for the younger groups. They were always getting into arguments. One angry girl compared to five at a time should be a breeze.”

Dot and Regan looked at her as if she was insane because they all knew preteen Bible camp-goers were a completely different species compared to Toni. Despite their uncertainty, they both stepped aside so Shelby could make her attempt. 

Getting into the bathroom Toni occupied hadn’t been _too_ hard of a feat. She knocked on the door a couple of times with no answer though she could hear shuffling from the other side. Shelby was used to this level of stubbornness; she had two younger siblings and had been in more pageants than she could count. While Toni was a tough egg to crack, she much preferred dealing with her than a wannabe pageant queen having a nervous breakdown right before it was her turn to take the stage. 

“Toni…” she breathed out while lightly tapping her knuckles against the door. “It’s me...Shelby.” 

“Fuck off.” Toni exclaimed; her anger could be felt radiating through the heavy wood of the bathroom door but that wasn’t nearly enough to push Shelby away.

“Please let me in. I just want to help.” 

The door swung open and there stood Toni, her lip still bloodied and her jaw yet again clenched in the same way it always was when she was mad. Shelby was well versed in this version of Toni. After all, she had been the object of her hatred since elementary school. She had stopped being intimidated by her fury long ago. 

“How the fuck are you supposed to help me, Shelby? Are we going to hold hands and pray to Jesus?” 

Taking in a deep breath, Shelby slowly exhaled in an attempt to keep herself grounded. She said nothing in response to the dig Toni used to try to solicit a reaction out of her. Instead, she suddenly stepped forward so Toni had no choice but to back up, unintentionally allowing her access to the bathroom. 

“My mom is a nurse,” she explained once she had shut the bathroom door. Shelby ignored the eye roll she received from Toni, rather choosing to search for any sort of first aid supplies she could find within the confined area. It didn’t take long before she discovered a bottle of rubbing alcohol beneath the sink, along with a package of cotton balls that had been haphazardly tossed into a bucket of nail polish bottles. 

Both girls fell silent, neither even attempting to speak a word for what felt like ages. Shelby had managed to get Toni to stand in front of the sink so she had enough light to clearly see the split lip the athlete would now be sporting for at least a week. She was lucky Andrew hadn’t done more damage to her face. 

“Want to talk about what happened?” Shelby spoke in a soft tone as she saturated a cotton ball with the rubbing alcohol. “This might sting by the way.”

With that, Shelby gently placed the cotton ball against the small wound. This spawned a hiss of pain from Toni and a pursuit to back away from the object causing her the burning sensation. Shelby didn’t let up, though. 

“Fuck,” Toni muttered to the best of her abilities with the way her mouth was slightly opened. “No,” she then added, her eyes casted up to the high ceiling. Shelby couldn’t tell if she was doing this due to the unwelcomed pain or because she was just trying to avoid her gaze in general. Both options seemed very plausible at that moment. 

When Shelby momentarily removed the cotton ball to begin ever so lightly brushing away the blood, Toni chose to speak up again. She should’ve known the other girl wouldn’t be able to stay quiet on the matter for long. 

“Like I’ve told you before,” she began before jerking her head away from the cotton ball assault, “your boyfriend is a dick.”

" _Ex-boyfriend_." Revealing this new information to Toni wasn’t something she had planned on doing. She was tired, though. Tired of being looked at the way she was because she was with him, tired of being the butt of jokes from Christa Findlay and her crowd all because she had given Andrew something that Shelby herself hadn’t. 

It was only then that Toni redirected her eyes back to Shelby’s, fully looking at her for the first time since the bathroom door had closed. Shelby was too focused on finishing the process of cleaning Toni’s injury to really notice, though she could feel the weight of her gaze on her. She always seemed to know when Toni peered in her direction. 

Shelby had lifted a hand to lightly grasp onto Toni’s chin so she could maneuver her in any way she needed. Toni appeared to have no objections when her head was angled back slightly as the blonde continued to clean the blood. When she figured she had tortured Toni enough with the rubbing alcohol, she released her chin yet made no other movement away from her. Instead, Toni shifted her head back to its normal level and stared straight forward at Shelby. 

“I just...couldn’t do it anymore.” Shelby took a small step back and rubbed her hand over her face, starting at her forehead and then down to her cheek. She couldn’t believe she had just broken up with Andrew with little to no explanation behind her actions. He had to have seen it coming though, right? During their nearly four years together, they only drifted further and further apart. Things weren’t the same in their relationship and not just because Andrew had found comfort in between another girl’s legs. Probably multiple girls, honestly. There was a change within Shelby as well; things she had once loved no longer brought her happiness and thoughts that had been embedded into her mind since she was a little girl didn’t resonate with her as they once did. 

A year ago, after kissing Becca in her bedroom, Shelby had thought she was broken. She thought God was testing her to see if she would be able to find her way back to the rightful path He had set out for her, but what if _this_ was her path? 

Shelby could tell that Toni knew this wasn’t a simple ‘he’s an asshole so I ended it’ sort of breakup. Toni’s expression had softened, as did her entire demeanor. The wall she so often prided herself in building higher and higher momentarily dropped a draw-bridge for the blonde before her to cross if she saw the desire to. 

And despite the anxiety now coursing through her, Shelby accepted the invitation. 

She took a step closer to Toni again so she could close the distance she had just previously placed between them. Shelby studied the entirety of Toni’s face now that she was closer to her than she had ever been before; she had always been fond of the freckles that sprinkled over her skin, even more so the beauty mark that sat right off the corner of her lip, and the faint indentation of a scar between her eyes drew her interest as well. 

Shelby took all of this in as her hands raised to gently cup Toni’s cheeks. Lord, this moment felt like it was happening in slow motion which she was sure she had her nerves to thank for that. Toni had yet to push her away, but that didn’t mean she wouldn’t. What if her advance was completely denied? Shelby would never be able to show her face around Toni ever again. 

The beating of her heart was deafening. Shelby thought she could feel every pulse in her body rapidly thumping at twice the speed and she was sure this was obvious by the way her hands slightly trembled. It had been so fast with Becca: a sudden moment during a fit of laughter they were sharing. How had she been able to do that but now she felt frozen? Oh, _right_ , probably because of the trauma she experienced afterwards. 

“Shelby…” the brunette spoke up, her tone soft and understanding. “It’s okay.” 

Toni loosely wrapped her fingers around Shelby’s wrists so she could lower her hands away from her face. Shelby was briefly confused but she quickly took note of what Toni was saying to her. The grip she had on her wrists didn’t let up and Shelby was thankful for that. The skin on skin contact was just enough to calm her jitters and soon she was able to exhale the breath she hadn’t even realized she was holding. 

It was okay that she was nervous. It was okay that she wasn’t ready. It was okay that she was still trying to figure out who she was. These were all the things that Toni had conveyed to her with that one simple phrase. 

x x x

It was nearing her curfew when she piled into Dot’s car along with Regan and Toni. Since Andrew had been her ride there, their break up left her stranded at Fatin’s house. Honestly, she wasn’t complaining about that because she could have easily spent some time relaxing in the pool, but her parents would soon be pacing holes in the carpet if she didn’t walk through the front door in twenty minutes. 

Dot, being the generous person that she was, offered to take Shelby home since she would already be out doing the same for the other two deadbeats. That had been Dot’s term of choice for them and it only earned her a scoff from Regan before the girl then agreed to the statement with a nod and chuckle. 

That’s how she had ended up in the backseat with Toni. Neither girl spoke much since their moment (if you could call it that) in the bathroom. No one even questioned why it had taken her so long to simply clean up a busted lip. Shelby was relieved, to say the least. If she wasn’t ready to fully commit to her feelings then she definitely wasn’t ready to speak on them either.

There was a song that she didn’t know playing through the speakers of the car. Dot and Regan were singing along to it as they drove through the quiet town; their car being one of the only ones on the road at that hour. Shelby would glance over to Toni every now and then just to see her either smiling at her friends or mouthing along to the songs. One would think she would still be sulking after the scuffle at Fatin’s but she appeared calm. Did Shelby have a hand in that? She wanted to believe that she had but she also didn’t want to give herself too much credit.

Toni had her right hand resting in the middle seat between them, while Shelby’s left pressed down into the leather at her own side. The longer they drove, the closer her hand began to gravitate towards Toni’s. She knew Toni was doing the same because eventually the sides of their hands met in a nonchalant way. With her gaze still focused out the window, silently watching the trees and farm lands they passed, Shelby poked out her pinky finger so it draped over Toni’s. No, it wasn’t a full hand-hold, but the comfort it brought forth within her was enough in that moment. 

x x x

“Shelby?”

The beauty queen had only just shut the front door of her house when the sound of her mother’s voice echoed down the hall to her. She briefly closed her eyes and took in a deep breath just as an extra precaution to make sure she seemed like her usual self. Shelby was worried that her parents would be able to tell something was different about her. It was like she assumed she had a note stapled to her forehead that read “I like a girl” for all the world to see. In all reality, she knew that wasn’t the case. If she acted like everything was okay then that’s equally what her parents would think.

“Hey, momma,” she greeted the older woman once they were in view of each other. Shelby took into consideration the fact that her father was nowhere in sight; she was hoping that he had already gone off to bed so she wouldn’t have to answer his line of questioning that night. That was something she much preferred to leave for the following morning after she had a chance to reflect on everything. 

Her mother sat on one end of the couch with a home decor magazine in her grasp and a throw blanket tossed over her legs. The only light was coming from the side table lamp that was mere inches from where her mother comfortably lounged, the bulb casting a dim glow across the rest of the living room. “Did you have a good time?” 

Shelby nodded in response, her hand absentmindedly sliding along the edge of the door that separated the living room from the foyer. “Yeah, it was fun. Thank you for letting me go.”

It was no surprise that the Goodkinds were the type of parents that required their daughter to tell them everything about where she was going when she wanted to venture out with her friends. Who would she be with? Would they be going anywhere else after the initial location? And, of course, what time would she be home? Shelby told herself that this was only for her safety, but she wasn’t blind to the fact that her father in particular just needed to have control over any and all situations. 

“Of course, baby.” Jobeth Goodkind smiled sweetly at her oldest child. She was always so much easier to talk to than her father was. Shelby and her mother held a mutual understanding for one another. They both had to endure the ways of their head of household, aka her father, making it natural for them to appreciate their close relationship. 

“Well, I guess I’m going to head to bed. I’m exhausted.” Crossing the distance between them, Shelby kissed the top of her mother’s head goodnight while exchanging pleasantries and then made a beeline for the staircase that would lead up to her bedroom. 

Because she was so near and dear to her mother, it ate her up on the inside to not be able to tell her this one secret. Shelby was frightened to learn of how she would react, though. They had only just recently gotten through the Becca issues and the last thing Shelby wanted was to revisit all of the heightened emotions that came along with it. Her father would surely send her off somewhere to be _fixed_ if there was a repeat offense. So, despite the gnawing agony she felt while withholding the information, she continued to keep it securely inside. 

Sitting up in bed that night, Shelby had already begun the process of erasing Andrew from her socials. She started with her Instagram, eagerly deleting all pictures she shared with him and then redacting the line in her bio that held his initials followed by a heart emoji. Next came her Facebook; the outpouring of comments she garnered on her ‘Shelby Goodkind changed her relationship status to single’ post was alarming. Most of the commenters didn’t truly care about her relationship, this she knew. They were simply curious to learn of the drama that unfolded to push the seemingly perfect couple down this path. She replied to none of them.

Shelby was just about to set her phone down for the night when a new notification on her Instagram popped up: it was a friend request from Dot. There was no hesitation to approve it, which she did so in an easy tap. What followed was a direct message from Dot.

**[ DOT ]: what are u doing tomorrow?**

**[ SHELBY ]: Just going to my brother’s soccer game and then nothing. What’s up?**

**[ DOT ]: we’re all getting together at the park around 3. come.**

The wording of Dot’s invitation brought forth a smile to her lips. It was a demand instead of a question, leading her to believe that she didn’t really have much of a choice in the matter. Okay, well, of course she would have declined had she really wanted to...yet she didn’t. For years all of her friends had been the ones she shared with Andrew, aside from Becca, and it felt nice knowing people actually wanted to hang out with her because they liked _her_ and not because they felt obligated to. Shelby couldn’t figure out if this was just how Dot felt or their friend group as a whole - more specifically Toni.

**[ DOT ]: BE THERE BLONDIE**

It was clear that Dot had grown too impatient with Shelby’s silence and took it upon herself to send another, much more aggressive message. It merely caused her to chuckle.

**[ SHELBY ]: I will be there!**

Dot sent one more message before they came to the end of their conversation, and it was only but a line of several sunshine emojis.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I KNOW this was a super fast update but I had the day off and just couldn't help myself!
> 
> All of the love and support for how I'm portraying these characters has really made this way more exciting to write than I could've imagined. I appreciate every single view, comment, and kudo left on the story. You guys are amazing.
> 
> And to the ones who were already beyond ready for the breakup: you're welcome. ;)  
> But don't get too cozy because you haven't seen the last of Andrew. ***foreshadowing***
> 
> I will eventually start adding a chapter song to the beginning notes once we get further in. The playlist I have for Shoni is getting too massive, so I need to share it. 
> 
> xoxo


	5. baptized in blue skies

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  _'Baptized in blue skies; roll the window down, reach out, feel around for new life. Damn, you and those **green eyes**._  
> Børns & Lana Del Rey - God Save Our Young Blood

Shelby spent the entirety of Spencer's soccer game gnawing at the French manicured acrylic nails she had done only a week ago. It had started off as an accident when she chipped the end of one while ushering her siblings into the car that morning. The exact way was unknown to her, but after that, all she could focus on was the jagged edge of her left pointer finger. It didn't take long for her to pry the fake nail up from her real one, then continuing the process until only a couple remained. Anyone who happened to look her way at the game would probably just assume that she was simply way too into the points being scored on the field. In reality, her thoughts were on nothing but the plans she had later that afternoon. 

No one had reached out to her the way Dot had, so did they even know she was coming? The last thing she wanted was for them to be taken back by her unannounced arrival. Especially Toni, who everyone knew didn't do so well with surprises. 

“Are you okay, honey?” Her mother had leaned in closer to her so there was no chance of her father overhearing their conversation. Shelby glanced in her direction and quickly dropped her hand into her lap in an attempt to hide her lack of nails between her knees. 

“Yeah, I'm great.” Shelby smiled as if to punctuate her statement but the look in her mother’s eye told her that she wasn't convinced. 

After looking over her shoulder to make sure her husband was occupied with the game, Jobeth returned her focus to her daughter. “We saw your Facebook post this morning,” the woman confessed, “but I've convinced your father not to mention it yet. I told him it was too fresh.” 

Of course her parents had seen the fact that she was now single. How had she not remembered that they were on her Facebook friend’s list? Shelby had been too eager when cutting ties with Andrew that she hadn't stopped and taken simply two seconds to think. Despite this, the most shocking part was that her father had actually listened to her mother. He had made no indication at all that morning that he knew something was on her mind. If only he knew of who _actually_ occupied her thoughts. 

Shelby produced a thankful smile for her mother prior to reaching over to grasp her hand within her own. “Thanks, mom. I just need time.” 

The statement was bullshit. Well, it was in regards to Andrew. If she was being completely honest with herself, Shelby hadn't truly had feelings for him in quite some time, so she wasn't mourning the end of her relationship like her parents believed. But Shelby did need time; she needed to figure out what the hell she was going to do with this new found knowledge on herself. 

Their conversation was cut short by the sudden cheering that accompanied Spencer scoring the winning goal of the game. The entire Goodkind family hopped to their feet, all of them clapping and cheering in excitement for their youngest member. Even Shelby cupped her hands around her mouth as she hollered for her little brother. 

x x x

“Who's all going to be there?” 

Shelby sat across from her father at the same family-owned restaurant they went to after every sporting event. She glanced up towards the older man, one shoulder lightly shrugging as if to tell him that it wasn't that big of a deal. That wouldn't be enough of a response for him though. 

“Just me and some friends from school. It's more yearbook stuff.” 

The explanation had been partially true; she would be at the park with friends, if you could call them that yet, but she was definitely not expecting to work on anything having to do with the yearbook. The mere thought of it made her skin itch from the stress. 

“I don't know, Shelbs. There can be some real weirdos out there.” Her father sighed as he spoke and placed down the fork he had been holding so he could clasp his friends in front of himself. He was looking at her with intent - almost like he was silently weighing the options. “Will Andrew be there?”

And there it was: the question he had been dying to ask since that morning. Shelby was now even more thankful that her mother had given her a heads up about knowing of their breakup. Not that Shelby was going to lie...though it would've been much more tempting. 

Shelby twisted her lips, her eyes dropping down to the salad that sat on the table before her. “No, sir.” Her response was simple but it also fully conveyed her feelings on the matter. Her tone had been soft yet flat. “We, um...well, we’re on a break.” 

Her father seemed mildly pleased by her confession. It had probably been a test for her, to be quite honest. If she lied then she couldn't be trusted to go, but if she told the truth...well, that just meant she was the best obedient child that he could've ever asked for. 

Deciding not to press the topic further - not yet - her father nodded. “Alright, I guess you can go. Just make sure to keep your phone on you in case your momma calls, okay?”

“Yes, daddy. Of course.” Shelby allowed a smile to appear over her lips, one of her famous pageant grins that would successfully fool her father. 

x x x 

_Patience_ was something that Shelby had an abundance of - in every sense of the word. It was funny, though, when she thought about it; she had all the patience in the world when it came to other people, but she couldn’t say the same for herself. For example: she had been waiting for the others to arrive for nearly fifteen minutes now and she wasn’t even stressed about it. Shelby knew they would pop up eventually, or so she was hoping. Then, on the other hand, she had zero patience for the thoughts that continuously swirled within her mind. Shelby wished she could snap her fingers and suddenly have all of the answers. She was tired of constantly asking herself ‘what if?’ and creating scenarios that she knew would never play out how she imagined them to. Why couldn’t things be easy for her just this once?

The sun that she had been lying beneath was warm against the bare sections of her skin. It was almost like she could feel the waves recharging her, giving her all the energy she needed for that day. While she appreciated the night sky and all the stars that glimmered, the heat of the sun would always have her heart. Shelby’s brows furrowed slightly when the glare of it from behind her eyelids suddenly dimmed. She hesitantly opened an eye, squinting due to the bright light, only to see Toni staring down at her. The brunette had completely blocked out the sun causing a shadow to cast down upon her. Shelby couldn’t say she was upset by this, though. The sight she now saw, that being Toni’s face, was much better than anything the sun could provide her.

Shelby fought the urge to clutch the cross necklace she once again adorned when that thought specifically crossed her mind. 

“What the hell are you doing?” Toni questioned with an amused inflection in her voice, a smile tugging at her lips once she realized she had gained Shelby’s attention. 

Carefully, Shelby pushed up onto her elbows so she could fully sit up into a seated position. “I’m waiting for you guys.” She motioned around to the blanket she had been using to protect herself from the elements, one that Toni was now standing on the corner of. Shelby’s eyes started at the beat up black Vans Toni could usually be found wearing and then ventured up her legs, across her torso, before finally landing on her face. Other than the previous night at Fatin’s party, this was probably one of the only times Toni hadn’t looked at her in immediate distaste. They were finally making some progress. 

“You’re waiting for us on a blanket...in the middle of a park alone?” Toni countered, chuckling. “Not scared that someone will snatch you up?” 

The teasing tone that was present in Toni’s voice was gratifying. It was different from how she would normally talk to her, almost like you could consider the two of them to be _friends_. 

Shelby returned Toni’s smile and mimicked the same small laugh she had given to her only seconds prior. Unfortunately, that’s all she was able to do. As much as she hated to admit it, she was nervous, though she wouldn’t consider this to be a _bad_ thing. It was the kind of nervousness that she felt when she was younger and standing in line at Disney World for a ride - the kind that was full of excitement. This is how being around Toni made her feel. And if that also made her awkward, then so be it. 

“Sorry that we’re late!” Dot’s voice cut through which she was greatly thankful for. “Martha here just _had_ to have a Cherry Coke, thus making me stop at three different gas stations in search of one. Who the fuck knew Cherry Coke was so popular?” 

“Hey! I told you I would be fine with regular Coke!” Martha was trailing behind Dot with a look of confusion, followed by Fatin and Regan. 

“Yeah, you _say_ that, but then all I would hear for the next two days was how I was too mean to stop for you.” Dot attempted an impression of Martha once they had paused in front of where Shelby sat right before Dot dropped down onto the blanket without so much as a glance in Shelby’s direction. The scene playing out was quite entertaining, she had to admit. It made her bring her hand to her mouth in a way of hiding her smile just in case Martha happened to look her way. She didn’t want her to think that she was laughing at her seemingly intense love for Cherry Coke...though she was. 

“Cut it out you two! For fucks sake!” Fatin tensed her hands out in front of her in a motion to silence the two bickering friends. She looked as if she was fed up, but Shelby was able to take notice of the grin that threatened to break through. 

It was then that the remainder of the standing girls lowered down onto the grass, all of them scattered around haphazardly near each other. Shelby silently studied them all in a quick motion. It amazed her that they all appeared so different, some basically opposites, yet they were still friends. That was something she had never experienced before: true friendship. All of her “friends” looked like they had been spit out from the same LL Bean catalog. 

“We heard you dumped that ass of a boyfriend.” Fatin was now looking at her with a grin and even from behind the oversized sunglasses she was sporting she knew the smile also hit her eyes. “Congrats, girl!”

“Fatin, it hasn't even been a full day…” Martha mumbled to her in a lowered tone as if no one else could hear them. “She might not want to talk about it yet.” 

Shelby shifted slightly where she was sitting so that her posture was straighter, her head then shaking in a silent response while attempting to gather her thoughts. She was curious to know if Toni had told them or if word had just spread that fast after she made it “Facebook official”. 

“It happened after the fight at your party,” she found herself explaining. Shelby hastily cut her eyes in Toni’s direction, but the other girl was staring down at the grass she had her fingers running through. “It just made me realize that I've...outgrown him.” 

“Damn. I get that. I mean, some guys are only good for one thing and that's their dick game, right?” Fatin laughed along to her own words, though she then silenced herself by taking a swallow from the La Croix can she was holding. The sound of the other girls scoffing at her then followed. 

Shelby smiled to be polite but she could feel the awkwardness once again setting in. She flexed her fingers as she toyed with the rings that rested on them, then once more shaking her head. “I wouldn't know anything about that…” 

The statement alone caused everyone to grow silent. They were all now looking in her direction, obviously a bit taken back by what she had admitted. Shelby would've assumed they knew about her commitment to God and saving herself for marriage. She didn't parade it around school but she also wasn't one to hide it if the subject was brought up. 

“Didn't you and Andrew date for, like, three years?” It was Toni who spoke up first. The athlete was now looking at her through squinched eyes because of the glare from the sun, but not even that could hide the small gleam that was within her gaze. 

“Yes, but my commitment to God was more important than the longevity of our relationship.” 

It was only a second after she spoke the words that she realized she had used the word “was” in her statement and not “is”. She wasn't sure if anyone else had picked up on this or not, but she wasn't going to correct herself and bring attention to it. Had what she initially said been the truth though? Shelby took in a deep breath, her eyes then lifting to drift around to every girl that was looking at her. She avoided Toni to the best of her abilities. Despite this, she could still feel the weight of her gaze. 

“Fuck,” Fatin breathed out with an amused grin. “I guess this means you and Martha are in your own little club.” The group of girls laughed at this, but Martha merely rolled her eyes before allowing them to settle on Shelby. 

Shelby flashed her a smile as if to silently convey that it was okay. She saw nothing wrong with being a virgin. Hell, she was only seventeen. She still had the rest of her life in front of her so where was the rush? 

x x x 

**[ TONI’S POV ]**

One of the last things she wanted to talk about in that moment was Shelby's sex life - or a lack there of. There was a sense of relief that she felt when the blonde admitted to never having been with Andrew, though she wasn't sure why. Maybe it was because Andrew was an asshole who didn't deserve someone like Shelby in any way, shape, or form. It also showed how headstrong Shelby was; she had never given into the advances that she was sure Andrew made almost on the daily. This made her like the other girl more, but it also made her equally as mysterious. Shelby came off as the type to do whatever other people wanted if for no reason other than to keep them happy, or so she had assumed. Clearly that wasn't completely the truth. 

Toni didn't wait for anyone else to make any follow up questions. Instead, she pushed herself up to her feet and brushed the grass off of her bottom with her free hand, the other clutching the skateboard she could typically be seen riding. 

“I'm going to grab a drink from down there,” she pointed to the concession stand that was erected on the opposite end of the park. “Anyone want anything?” 

Everyone shook their heads in response. She was about to turn to make her journey, but Shelby’s Texan accent prevented her from doing so. 

“Hold on, I'll go with you.” Shelby announced and then she was up in a matter of seconds. Toni couldn't say she was disappointed by this because, well, she preferred spending time with Shelby alone. That's at least how she thought she felt after what had happened the previous night. 

Normally, Toni would have deeply sighed and rolled her eyes to having the blonde tag along. She was hoping no one noticed the change in character. 

Standing a few steps away from her group of friends, she waited for Shelby to gather herself before she joined her side. With one last glance at the other girls, she was happy to see that they had all started doing their usual thing. Martha was playing Uno with Fatin, while Dot and Regan attempted Frisbee. Toni had confessed how lame of a game it was, but both Dot and Regan were committed to mastering it. Neither of them could yet throw the frisbee in a straight line which meant they spent more time running back and forth than anything else.

“Do you guys usually come to the park?” Shelby inquired in her usual chipper tone. Toni used to hate it but now she found it to be sort of endearing. 

With a shrug, Toni kept her eyes forward as they walked across the grass. “Sometimes. We usually hang out at Fatin’s but her parents were home today and she didn’t want to deal with them.” 

Toni could see the other girl nodding along to her words out of the corner of her eye. She was still fidgeting with her rings and Toni so badly wanted to reach over and make her stop, but she instead just clutched her skateboard tighter against her side. Assuming it was a nervous habit of hers, Toni let Shelby do what she needed to do in order to keep herself mellowed out. She knew how it was. Most of the time in class she could be found chewing on her pencils or sometimes even her nails if her stress was too heightened. Martha had attempted to get her to stop both bad habits on more than one occasion but that never lasted for too long. By the beginning of next period she would be back at it. 

“Hey, so…” Shelby turned to face her once they stood at the back of the line for the concession stand, her nerves now written all over her face. “You didn’t tell anyone about last night, did you?”

“What? No, Shelby, _fuck_. I wouldn’t do that.” Toni knew she could have softened her tone but the question had taken her so off guard. She would never out someone, especially when she had no reason to. What would she have to gain by telling her closest friends - or anyone for that matter - that Shelby had almost kissed her not even twenty four hours ago? 

“Right…” Shelby was quick to shift her gaze away from Toni’s, the line of her jaw visibly clenching. “Because you’re ashamed, aren’t you?” 

“No, Shelby, clearly _you_ are the one with the shame.” 

Toni stared at the blonde with a dumbfounded expression. What the hell was happening? She had no idea where this sudden concern had come from but it truly had her beyond confused. It was obvious that Shelby wasn’t comfortable enough yet with her sexuality to allow people to know, and she had to respect that. It was something Toni would _always_ respect, no matter who it was. Something such as that was not her secret to tell.

“Jesus, I’m sorry.” Shelby took a deep breath and shook her head, her hand reaching out to lightly rest on Toni’s forearm in an apologetic gesture. “I wasn’t trying to...I don’t have any shame. Not anymore. It’s just that...I’m still trying to figure everything out.” 

It was evident that the girl in front of her was going through quite a bit of turmoil. And while Toni was usually very blunt and opinionated, she had sympathy for her. It wasn’t as straightforward for everyone like it had been for her. Toni had always known that she liked girls. Although it was depressing as fuck to admit, the fact that she never really had a family to come out to made it a little easier. Her biological mother was usually too drugged out of her mind to even remember her own name, her father was a no-show from day one, and Martha was accepting of everyone she crossed paths with. So, no, she couldn’t fully relate to what Shelby was going through and she had to be conscious of that. 

Neither girl said anything else on the subject. The man behind the counter had waved his hand to draw their attention then awkwardly smiling once they both stepped forward to place their order. Toni simply asked for a bottle of water, but Shelby went all out with the request of a cherry snow cone. There was something charming about the way she had asked for it, her accent coming out more so than usual when she spoke the word ‘cherry’. And, of course, Shelby had been polite with her ‘please’ and ‘thank you’ to the man once he had handed her the syrup covered ice. Toni did nothing but give him a sideways smile and hand him the cash for their treats. 

“Thank you for paying. You didn’t have to.” Shelby voiced as they were walking away from the concessions stand. She had already taken a bite from the snow cone and the syrup immediately painted her lips a faint red color. Toni smiled at the sight. 

“Nah, it’s cool. I’ve got all of these waitressing tips burning a hole in my pocket.” Toni chuckled, her hand patting her right pocket as if to emphasize the statement. Honestly, it had kind of been a lame attempt at a sort-of joke. The grin she received from Shelby in response was more than enough to satisfy her, though. 

Before Toni could realize it, they were heading in the opposite direction of their group. They had ventured onto the narrow sidewalk that circled the entire park, but the park as a whole was pretty big. It wasn’t long before their friends were mere specks in the distance behind them. Toni decided not to voice this observation because the further away they walked, the less people they had traveling around them. Eventually, it was just the two of them aside from an occasional jogger or biker. 

“So, what’s with the skateboard?” Shelby inquired, her eyes shifting down to the board Toni held. 

“Just a habit I picked up a couple of years ago. I used to bike everywhere but it was stolen so I figured a skateboard would be easier to keep up with. Kind of just stuck with it.” Shrugging with her explanation, Toni noticed that they had both started walking slower before coming to a complete standstill. 

“Teach me.” 

Shelby’s statement provoked a faint look of confusion from her until she processed exactly what she meant. With an arched eyebrow, Toni held up the skateboard a bit more, then glancing back and forth between it and the blonde before her.

“You want me to teach you how to skateboard?” She attempted to clarify the situation and when Shelby nodded, she leaned down to place the board on the sidewalk between them. “Okay, but I can’t be held liable if you hurt yourself.”

Shelby had walked away for a short moment so she could throw the remnants of her snow cone away in one of the trash cans that lined the park. She was back in front of her in a matter of seconds, a determined look in her eye. 

“Have some faith,” she chuckled, those green hues of hers now focused down on the skateboard. Toni could tell that Shelby was a little intimidated by it, probably even more so than she knew because of the comment she had made days before in the gym about not being very coordinated. Toni was just praying to whatever higher power was listening that this didn’t end with Shelby injuring herself. 

With her hands outstretched to hover over Shelby’s waist, just in case she fell, she watched as the other girl placed one foot on the board and then another. She was hesitant in her movements, but Toni couldn’t say she blamed her. At some point Shelby had allowed her hands to grip onto Toni’s shoulders in order to keep herself steady, though her focus remained completely on the skateboard. 

“There. Not so bad, right?” Toni breathed out once Shelby was standing up fully straight on the board. There was a look of joy on Shelby’s face; it was a genuine expression that had Toni curious as to just how long it had been since she had experienced such a feeling. 

“I’m scared to move.” Shelby released a laugh to go along with her confession, but Toni shook her head. 

“You just stand there,” she announced while extending her hands to grasp onto Shelby’s. Toni began to take slow steps down the empty sidewalk in a way that moved both the skateboard and the blonde atop of it. “The trick is to find your center of gravity,” she began to explain, “and to just not be scared to fall...because you will eventually bust your ass.” 

Shelby scoffed at how honest Toni was being, her mouth now agap and her eyes wide. Although she was mainly keeping her focus on the sidewalk and making sure Shelby didn’t fall while she was in control, she found herself glancing over to her every few seconds. It was hard not to when Shelby was so close to her and their hands were linked. 

They had barely gone even ten feet before Shelby erupted into a fit of giggles. Toni had no idea what the hell was so funny, but Shelby had pulled one of her hands free to cover her mouth in order to muffle the laughter. Now that neither of them were too focused on the task, the skateboard slightly wobbled until Shelby inevitably lost her balance. The blonde stumbled off the board and fell right into her chest, but Toni had managed to stand her ground during the entire fail. This had no effect on Shelby’s laughter, because despite the small squeal she made between the chuckles while in the midst of her fall, it had not ceased. 

The entire scene played out in seconds. Toni still clutched Shelby’s waist to save her from tumbling to the ground, even as the other girl lifted her head once her laughter had died down to meet Toni’s gaze. 

“Are you okay?” Toni asked with her own snicker, though Shelby didn’t respond - at least not with her words. Shelby suddenly gripped her head, her fingers weaving through her hair as she forced their lips together. Toni was noticeably shocked by the action, that being obvious by how tense her entire body was. It took a moment for her brain to process what was happening and before she knew it, all she could focus on was the sensation that started at her lips and then radiated throughout her entire body. Relaxing into the kiss, Toni momentarily gripped the fabric of the shirt Shelby was wearing to keep her close before her palms then traveled up the sides of her waist. Shelby’s lips were still cool from the snow cone and tasted of cherries; Toni knew right then it was something she would never be able to get out of her head. 

x x x

**[ SHELBY’S POV ]**

It had happened out of the blue. Shelby was too intoxicated by everything that _was_ Toni; from the way she clutched her hands all the way to the smell of the fabric softener she used. Toni clouded her every one of her thoughts and creeped into the corners of her mind, making it impossible for her to not end up thinking about her. This was not something she was familiar with, and while it did scare her, Shelby also knew she didn’t want to miss her chance again simply because of the fear. 

So, instead of letting her nerves get the best of her like she had the previous night, she went for it. Despite the chance that Toni could have completely rejected her or even that anyone could have stumbled upon them, she _still_ kissed her. Aside from dumping Andrew, it was the best decision she had made in a long time. 

As they parted from the kiss, their eyes immediately locked. There was an urge inside of Shelby to run; a little voice in the back of her head was screaming at her to get as far away from Toni as she could, but she pushed it down until there was nothing left but a faint whisper. Eventually, the voice was gone all together. How could she run when being this close to Toni made her feel so free and empowered? Not even her first pageant win had made her feel like this. 

“Maybe we should get back to the others…” Shelby suggested once she had taken a small step back and released the hold she had on Toni’s hair. Toni nodded, then bending down to retrieve her skateboard before trailing behind Shelby back in the direction they had come from. 

When they had made it back, the other girls were no longer playing games, but instead they had huddled back together and were laughing along to some joke Dot had made. Fatin was the first to spot them and Shelby wasn’t blind to the look she gave both of them. She had lifted her sunglasses to rest at the top of her head in order to do so, teasingly wiggling her eyebrows at the two girls. Shelby knew she probably looked like a deer caught in the headlights, which, of course, would immediately give them away. Thankfully, Toni had noticed this and took the lead; she stepped in front of her to block her from the view of the other girls until they were seated with them.

“That was the longest freakin’ snack run to ever exist,” Dot exclaimed, her eyes shifting back and forth between the two of them. 

“Well, you wouldn’t believe how tricky it can be to find your way around this place.” Shelby fumbled with her words, a nervous laugh escaping as she attempted an explanation. “We thought we were coming back here but then realized we were actually heading in the wrong direction, so, I mean -”

“Yeah, sorry, I just wanted to walk for a bit and Shelby came along.” Toni was quick to cut her off when she realized that Shelby was just going to keep on. It wasn’t that convincing, but none of them really seemed to care enough to press the subject. As Shelby glanced in Fatin’s direction, the other girl held her pointer finger to her lips to silently tell her that she would keep their secret. 

It didn’t take long for the group of girls to completely change course with their conversation. It happened every few minutes and it nearly gave Shelby whiplash, but she was getting better at keeping up with everything. And although she was confused by the inside jokes and a few names mentioned she didn’t recognize, she still felt comfortable with all of them. Dot had the most welcoming presence out of all of them, at least in her opinion, and that shocked her more than anything. When they were in school, she always assumed Dot was an odd loner, but this outing only let her know just how wrong she had been about not only Dot, but every girl she sat with. 

Shelby was in the middle of listening to one of Fatin’s infamous stories when the sound of her phone ringing cut through. She quickly reached into her back pocket to snag it, her expression completely falling when she read ‘mom’ across the screen. “Sorry,” she muttered to the girls as she climbed to her feet so she could take a few steps away from the group. The goal was to be as far out of earshot as she could be without it seeming suspicious. 

“Hello?” She spoke into the phone once she had accepted the call. 

“Hey, baby,” her mother replied with a sigh of relief, “I’m getting dinner ready now.” 

Shelby briefly lowered the phone so she could read off the time in the left hand corner: 7:48. When had it gotten so late? She could’ve sworn only a couple of hours had passed and surely not nearly five, though the time was proving her wrong. 

“Oh, okay. Sorry, I didn’t realize how late it was. I’ll be home soon.” The two Goodkind women exchanged their “I love yous” and “goodbyes” before Shelby was able to end the call and slip her phone back into the pocket of her jeans. She knew she had fifteen minutes tops to get home if she wanted to avoid another phone call, one that would more than likely be from her father’s phone this time. 

Shelby walked back to the group with a somber smile. She stepped around to the opposite side until she was able to grab her bag from where it rested in the grass behind Regan. Five pairs of eyes followed her, all awaiting an explanation for her sudden departure.

“Parents called,” she explained with an exaggerated sigh, “which means I have to go.” 

Fatin and Toni exchanged a few quick words after Fatin had nudged her side with her elbow, and then Toni was off the grass before Shelby could even begin her trek to her car. 

“Bye, Shelby!” The remaining girls called out to her unison, all of them exchanging a wave and a smile.

“I’ll be back in a minute,” Toni exclaimed right as she had joined Shelby’s side. 

Toni had her hands shoved into her pockets as they walked, neither of them saying anything just yet. Shelby considered questioning why she had come with her, but she figured Toni would just give her some excuse about making sure she didn’t have to walk through the dark alone. While Shelby figured she could take care of herself - her father had made her take a self defense class when she was fourteen - she wasn’t opposed to the company. 

“This is going to sound super fucking cringy,” Toni put forth the disclaimer right away, “but could we maybe exchange numbers?” 

Shelby had already opened her car door and she was standing between it and the driver’s seat, both of the girls shielded by it. A blush crept up to her cheeks, one that she was sure Toni could see despite the darkness that surrounded them. The only light was coming from a streetlight a few cars down, so the glow was dim. It was just enough for her to make out the features of Toni’s face that she had begun committing permanently to her memory earlier that day. 

“Let me see your phone,” she held her hand out, and Toni had placed it within her palm without hesitation. Shelby flashed her a smile, gazing at her from beneath her lashes just before she went to work at adding herself as a new contact. Once she had completed the task, she passed the phone back to Toni who then promptly shoved it back into her pocket. 

“I’ll text you, okay?” Shelby didn’t give Toni enough time to respond because she was soon closing the space between them again, though this time her lips met the small beauty mark right off the corner of her mouth that she had become so infatuated by. 

x x x

A couple of hours had passed after that moment when Shelby finally worked up the courage to text her. She had been debating on how long she was supposed to wait; guys typically had those dumb ‘rules’ for things like this and Shelby always found that to be idiotic, so she figured once she was in her room and away from the prying eyes of her family that it was a better time than any. The conversation started off a little awkward only because Shelby had no idea what she was supposed to say, but then each message back and forth became easier than the last. They talked about nothing and everything at the same time. How the hell did this side of Toni belong to the same person that had always seemed to hate her since they were little kids? 

It was just after one a.m. when her phone produced a continuous vibration. Shelby had been expecting another text, however what she actually received was a phone call. With a quick glance around the corner of her room to make sure her bedroom door was securely closed, Shelby reluctantly answered the call. She hadn’t even been able to get out a greeting before Toni was speaking.

“I just have a couple of things I want to say, okay?” Toni’s voice was crystal clear in her ear, almost as if she was there with her. Unfortunately, she wasn’t and there was actually miles between them. Shelby said nothing, instead allowing Toni to continue with her train of thought.

“I don’t know if what happened today was a one time thing or not, but if it was then that’s okay. I’m not going to lecture you on how or why or how fast you should figure things out for yourself. I can’t promise you that it’ll be easy, but just… _fuck_...just promise me that you won’t shut everyone out. If you shut me out, then that’s fine, I’ll understand, but not everyone.” 

Shelby had sat forward in bed and was now clutching a pillow to her chest. This was not how she saw their conversation going that night. Toni’s words brought forth an insane amount of anxiety on the subject, but also a great deal of ease that mostly washed the anxiety away. She remained silent through the dialogue because that’s what felt right. If this was something Toni needed to get off her mind then she would allow her to do so. 

“Can you promise me that?” There was a long pause between the bulk of her speech and the following question. This gave Toni’s statement a shot to fully sink in, granting her the chance to gather her own words and thoughts - that being much easier said than done. 

Shelby nodded despite the conversation being a phone call and not face to face. It was more so for herself than for Toni. “I promise,” she finally responded. 

Seemingly satisfied with the two simple words Shelby produced, Toni exhaled in relief before once more speaking up. “Night, Shelby.” 

“Sweet dreams, Toni.” And with that, both girls ended the call. Shelby reached over to place her phone on her bedside table prior to switching the lamp off and sliding down beneath the blankets of her bed. She was hoping that the few hours she had allocated to herself for sleep would be enough to get her through church the next morning, although she knew not even her father’s sermons would be able to puncture her mind when thoughts of Toni swirled within it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope all of you enjoyed the long chapter that I just couldn't seem to bring myself to end! 
> 
> Note: my Shelby won't be running away and constantly questioning herself like canon Shelby does, simply because that would take way too many chapters to get to the rebellious stage of her and I'm far too impatient for that. 
> 
> Once again - thank you for all the support. I don't think it's possible for me to fully portray how thankful I am for the feedback. 
> 
> xoxo


	6. she's my religion

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  _She's cold, she's dark, she's cynical. She's **forever angry** at the world._  
>  _She's no angel but she is my religion._  
>  Pale Waves - She's My Religion

Before she knew it, days became weeks, and then just like that, a month had passed. 

There wasn’t _too_ much that had transpired between her and Toni, aside from the occasional hand hold when they knew they were alone and a stolen kiss here and there. They had agreed to take it slow for her own sake because neither of them even knew what _it_ was between them just yet. Plus, Toni understood that she was still trying to figure everything out with both herself and her family. She had been nothing but supportive with Shelby, and that’s all she could ask for. There was never any pressure to do something she didn’t want to or to be someone else other than herself. Being with Toni felt like she could finally take a deep breath for the first time in forever. 

Fatin was the only one who knew about them. She had immediately seen the change in them after that day at that park, and since Shelby was a terrible liar, she caved as soon as Fatin had voiced her curiosities. Shelby thought she would’ve been too nervous to tell anyone but it actually felt… _nice_ , almost like she no longer had to wear the mask she had been carrying with her for seventeen years. Fatin, along with all of her new friends, expected nothing from her other than for her to be _her_. 

It was terrifying at times, but also a great relief. 

The sound of a faint _ding_ coming from her phone caused her eyes to spring open. She hadn’t been asleep, but instead had spent the last couple of hours tossing and turning in a vain attempt to rest. Shelby lifted her head from her pillow so she could reach for her phone that sat upon her bedside table. The notification that was displayed across the screen let her know that it was a text from Toni. They had already said their nightly goodbyes, but sometimes it seemed as if Toni knew her better than she previously believed. 

**[ TONI 12:09am ]: are you awake?**

**[ SHELBY 12:10am ]: Yeah, another sleepless night for me :(**

**[ TONI 12:10am ]: milkshakes?**

Shelby pulled her lower lip between her teeth, firmly biting down into it as she weighed the pros and cons of Toni’s suggestion. Pro: she would get to see Toni and _also_ enjoy a milkshake. Con: there was a chance she would be caught sneaking out. After taking a long moment to think it through to herself, and figuring that the worst thing her parents would do to her would be to scold her for her actions if they were to find out, she decided to have the fun she thought she deserved. 

**[ SHELBY 12:14am ]: I’ll meet you there in fifteen**

With that, Shelby was out of bed and stripping from her pajamas in a matter of seconds. She replaced her printed cotton bottoms with a pair of jeans and then tugged on a hoodie to cover the tank top she chose to remain in; it wasn’t necessarily an ‘outfit’ but it was presentable enough to be seen out in public wearing. Although she was hoping no one else would really be out this late. After slipping her phone into her back pocket and then cradling a pair of shoes in her arms - she could tip toe better with bare feet - she began the journey from her room all the way down to the lower level of the Goodkind house. 

Shelby moved as quietly as she possibly could. She poked her head around the corner when she approached her parents’ bedroom, only momentarily glancing inside just to make sure they were both sound asleep beneath the covers. Once she figured the coast was clear, she made a beeline for the backdoor. The only reason why she didn’t simply walk out the front was because their doorbell was the type that began recording as soon as it detected movement too close to the porch. It would’ve been a rookie mistake for her to be caught by that. 

The moment the backdoor was securely shut behind her, Shelby took off towards her car. The Jeep was parked at the bottom of their long driveway, which she was praying was far enough away so that the sound of the engine starting wouldn’t wake her parents. Her heart was beating rapidly in her chest and the adrenaline coursing through her veins made it easy for her to not even think about the consequences that could come from sneaking out. Well, at least at that very point in time she wasn’t thinking about it. Shelby was sure that would change the longer she was away from the house. 

When she had made it a couple of miles down the road without a phone call from her parents, Shelby figured she was in the clear. 

Neither girl needed to disclose where they would be getting milkshakes from because it was already obvious. The Blue Diner had become a staple for not just them, but their friend group as a whole; always when Ruth was working and always in the same booth towards the back of the establishment. Their beloved Ruth wasn’t on the schedule for that night, though, so instead of sitting inside, Toni and Shelby opted to sit on the edge of the walkway outside. The night time breeze made it a comfortable temperature, and Shelby also just liked the silence of the world when the sun had set below the horizon. 

Sitting so close that their shoulders grazed with every movement, Shelby had slightly angled her body so that she was leaning towards Toni. They were chuckling in unison about something rather embarrassing and odd that their Biology teacher had done earlier that day while in class when Shelby slowly allowed her laughter to die, her gaze remaining focused on Toni. 

“How did you know that I was awake tonight?” Shelby questioned after taking a swallow from the styrofoam cup that held her milkshake. 

Toni lightly shrugged her thin shoulder, her eyes staring out at the vastness of the empty diner parking lot before redirecting her focus to Shelby. “I had a feeling that you were, but you also mentioned a few days ago that you haven’t been sleeping well. Figured I’d take my chances.”

“And then you promptly suggested that I sneak out. What a bad influence you are.” Shelby teased, her elbow pushing out so she could playfully nudge the girl beside her. 

“Well, who knew that it would be so easy to corrupt the pageant queen?” 

Toni was chuckling along to her words, and although Shelby knew she was taunting her the same way she herself had done, the statement resonated with her in a way that she hadn’t expected it to. With her smile fading, she dropped her eyes down to the cup and swirled the straw around to further mix the remaining contents. 

“Everyone thinks of me like that, don’t they?” Her voice soft in a way that made it seem as if she was hesitant to ask the question. “They think I’m some goody-goody who only goes to church and flaunts around on stage in overpriced gowns.” 

“Shelby, no...no, I didn’t mean it like that.” 

Taking a deep breath, Shelby eventually brought her gaze back to Toni’s, a smile then being forced onto her lips. “I know, but it’s okay. I get it. I haven’t really given anyone a reason to think otherwise.” 

Toni didn’t say anything. She chose to let their eyes remain locked, both girls silently studying the other. Shelby could tell that there was more Toni wanted to voice, but she for some reason kept it to herself. She was sure it was only because she didn’t want to say the wrong thing and risk upsetting Shelby, and that was funny to her. It was ironic, to be completely honest, because she had done a hell of a job upsetting herself just by merely allowing her thoughts to wander a bit too far. 

“It’s just that...there’s a lot that’s expected of me. Like everywhere I go, everywhere I turn, there’s another person standing there, waiting for me to continue to be this _person_ that I don’t even recognize half the time.” 

The last thing Shelby wanted to do was have a pity party for herself. She knew she was blessed in many aspects of her life; she had a roof over her head, food on her table, and a family that did love her, albeit in their own way. Those were simple things that everyone in the world deserved, but not everyone had. So, complaining about it didn’t come easy to her. Shelby wasn’t even sure that she had ever voiced this to anyone before, not even Becca. Maybe she had finally become too fed up with the entire charade. 

“I’ve wasted so many years being miserable because I thought that’s all there was for me.” Shelby found herself reaching out to grasp onto Toni’s hand that was closest to her, immediately intertwining their fingers. “I don’t want to feel that way anymore.” 

With a genuine smile now appearing, Shelby’s eyes bounced back and forth between Toni’s brown hues and the arch of her lips all while leaning in closer to her. Their lips met in a delicate kiss; it was soft and slow, a way for Shelby to make it known - in her own silent words - that Toni made her feel _not_ so miserable. 

x x x

Their midnight outing hadn’t ended just because they finished their milkshakes. Shelby had persuaded Toni to get into her car so she could take her somewhere, but it wasn’t without a handful of questions from the brunette. 

“I just want to show you one of my favorite places,” she explained with a smile while motioning for Toni to get into the passenger side of her car.

Toni playfully squinted her eyes at her but then hesitantly began to pull herself up into the leather seat, never dropping the act she was putting on. “I swear...you better not be taking me somewhere to kill me.” 

Although she decided not to respond to the crazy accusation, Shelby still couldn’t stop herself from releasing a deep sigh and rolling her eyes. It was clear that Toni was joking, or so she hoped, but that didn’t make the other girl any less frustrating. Still - it was endearing.

During their drive, Shelby had given Toni free reign of the radio. Most of the songs played at first were highly unknown to her, though she found herself enjoying them. She mostly admired the way Toni would rap along to random portions of a song, her movements accompanying the lyrics being quite animated and entertaining. It was probably one of the few times she had seen Toni genuinely let go, at least when she was around. 

They were nearing their destination when a song popped up that she actually recognized. Shelby glanced in Toni’s direction with an arched eyebrow, following the look up with a snicker.

“P!NK?” She voiced her knowledge of the woman belting through the speaker all while looking back and forth between the road and the girl in her front seat. 

“Yeah...I mean, it’s Top 40 pop trash for sure, but that doesn’t technically make it bad.” Toni tried to confidently justify her choice of artist like she thought Shelby was shaming her for it - she actually wasn’t. Of course Shelby did find a bit of delight in overplayed pop songs but who didn’t? After all, that was the point of them. 

As Shelby steered the SUV down a dirt path she noticed Toni sit up a bit straighter in her seat and lean forward, the girl’s eyes quickly surveying their surroundings. Okay, so maybe it did seem like she was trying to take Toni to a more secluded area to harm her in some way, and the fact that Toni actually appeared to think this caused her to crack up. Shelby couldn’t help but to laugh at her reaction.

“Are you coming?” Shelby had already killed the engine and was working on removing her seatbelt when Toni finally looked her way. Their eyes met and she offered her a smile of reassurance, then she was out of the car and already walking in the direction of their final destination without as much as a glance back to make sure Toni was following. 

“You do realize how creepy this is, right?” Toni called to her through the darkness. Shelby could tell that she was only a few feet behind her now, carefully following the path she was leading her through. Their pace slowed when they began to descend down a slope and soon they were stepping onto solid ground. Well, sort of. 

“I don't usually come here at night,” Shelby began to explain as she walked slowly across the wooden boards of the dock. She had paused for a moment so she could turn to face Toni, her face illuminated by the light of the moon. Taking a few steps backwards, but keeping their eyes locked, Shelby’s lips lingered in a faint smile. She could tell that Toni was still a little confused, though she was slowly beginning to realize where they were. 

Water lapped at the wooden poles that kept the dock in place; it was a soothing sound that was also accompanied by the slight rustling of leaves due to the breeze colliding with the tree branches higher up. Although it was her first time venturing to the lake at night, Shelby had come to it enough in the past to be able to make the trip with her eyes closed. It was a place that she had strictly kept to herself, not even Becca had known of it, but she for some reason felt compelled to share it with Toni.

Turning back around, Shelby lowered herself down to sit at the end of the dock. She stared out at the stillness of the water, watching from her peripheral as Toni then joined her side. 

“So...where are we exactly?” Toni spoke up while pivoting her head as if to gather their new setting. 

“Grapevine Lake,” the blonde replied, motioning with her hand out towards the abyss. “It's the less crowded section of the lake because it used to be residential, but most of the houses are vacant now. Floods too bad.” 

Toni was slowly nodding as she spoke, her lips pushed out into a slight purse. Shelby had shifted her focus to the brunette, watching with the same smile and simply studying her. She always found herself admiring Toni, more so when the other girl wasn't aware of it. 

“It's where I come when I need to get away from everything and everyone,” she continued, “but now I want to share it with you.” 

Shelby had extended her hand out so she could lightly brush strands of hair away from Toni’s face and then back behind her ear. Her palm shifted to cup the side of her cheek just as Toni loosely wrapped her fingers around her wrist in a loving gesture, further leaning into her touch. 

“Oh? So this is _our_ place now?” That infamous smirk that Toni did so well suddenly appeared, and just the sight of it caused a fluttering sensation in Shelby’s stomach. She freely chuckled ahead of nodding her head in confirmation to the question. 

“If you’d like for it to be.”

Shelby allowed her fingers to drift around to the back of Toni’s neck so she could pull her in for another kiss. This one wasn’t as sweet as the previous one outside of the diner had been; instead, there was a bit of force behind it. Toni returned the kiss with the same amount of vigor, just enough to let Shelby know that they were in agreeance. Neither broke from the kiss as they simultaneously adjusted the location of their hands; Shelby’s cupped both of the brunette’s cheeks while Toni’s extended out to grasp her waist. 

There was a neediness to the way Shelby’s lips advanced on Toni’s, and that became even more evident to the other girl once Shelby had dropped her hands to grasp at the front of the t-shirt Toni was wearing. She had just tugged at the fabric when Toni broke away, leaning back only far enough so their eyes could meet in the darkness. 

Licking over her lips, Toni studied her in a moment of short silence. “Are you sure?”

That was the million dollar question, wasn’t it? 

As many times as Andrew had tried to get into her pants, Shelby hadn’t been fully certain if she wanted it or not. A large part of her hadn’t; on the other hand, unfortunately, a very small part had told her it was what she should do in order to keep her then-boyfriend happy. Thinking back on it now, Shelby knew how messed up that was and she was thankful she had trusted her gut in those moments. Nothing like that had ever crossed her mind with Toni, though. Sure, she was uncertain about where their relationship would go all because of her family, but she didn’t want to let that dictate her feelings anymore. 

“I’m sure,” she finally breathed out, nodding her head once.

That’s all it took for Toni to close the space between them again. Soon their hands were all over each other. Shelby’s fingers had locked into the other girl’s hair, while Toni’s grazed up and down her waist and around to press flat against her abdomen. With a small push, Toni had managed to gently lower her onto her back allowing Shelby to look fixedly up at the girl that hovered over her. The stars created a sort of halo effect around her now unruly hair - thanks to Shelby’s fingers - and even in the dark she could make out the deep red color of her lips which was surely an outcome of how firm their kiss had been. 

Shelby was speechless due to how Toni looked right then. It would become one of those images that would forever live in a special place in her mind that she had reserved specifically for Toni and their memories. 

Toni was completely overwhelming her senses. All she could focus on was the deep satisfaction that came from merely having her hands on her bare skin and her lips on her neck. Shelby’s eyes fluttered closed when a hand slipped beneath her hoodie and the tank top she wore; Toni’s fingers traced every inch that she could in such a way that Shelby assumed she was trying to make a mental map of her body. Then, her hoodie was off and being tossed to the side in one swift motion. Okay, well, it would’ve been swift had it not gotten briefly tangled up with her long ponytail. The tug Toni made to the hoodie set it free, but it also caused the back of her head to drop against the wood of the dock with a _thud_. Shelby immediately erupted into a fit of laughter, though Toni didn’t have the same reaction.

“Shit! Are you okay?” Toni circled her hand around so she could cradle the back of Shelby’s head as if that was going to lessen the blow. Honestly, it hadn’t hurt Shelby in the least bit and the slight embarrassment from the mishap had helped ease her nerves. 

Through her laughter, Shelby nodded in response. “I’m fine, I’m great. Just a bump.” She had opened her eyes once her laughter began to subside and the expression Toni was giving her was not one she wanted to see right then. It was full of concern, which was sweet, though Shelby was praying it wasn’t going to fully ruin the mood. 

“Hey…” Shelby pulled the girl down closer to her again, giving her a chance to trail her lips in a small line of kisses along Toni’s tensed jaw and down the side of her neck. “I’m not as fragile as you may think.” 

Shelby didn’t give Toni a chance to counter with her own response, rather she forced their lips back together until she felt the other girl relax above her. Her fingers had creeped down in the midst of their kiss so she could once again tug at the fabric of Toni’s shirt, though this time she finished the motion and pulled it fully from her body. Shelby was just about to undo the button of Toni’s jeans when her attempt was halted by Toni grabbing for her hand. With a furrowed brow, Shelby looked up at her with a bit of confusion. Shit. Had that been a wrong move on her part? That was the only thought that suddenly pushed to the forefront of her mind.

“Next time,” Toni promised before releasing her hand and sitting back on her knees. She was positioned between Shelby’s legs which gave her more than enough room to mimic the movements Shelby had just made with her jeans, although Toni was successful in her endeavor. The button popped open freely, the motion then followed up with Toni releasing the zipper of her jeans. It was when Toni had helped her shimmy out of the confines of the denim that Shelby’s heart rate began to increase. Things became all too real and while she would’ve wanted to run away in fear only a month ago, now she wouldn’t even dream of it. Shelby no longer cared that it was the middle of the night and she had snuck out and her parents could be discovering her empty bed that very second. No, all that she was concerned about was right in front of her. 

x x x

“Shelby! Honey! You’ve got to get up or you’re going to be late!”

God, no. It couldn’t be 7am yet, could it? Shelby was so sure that she had just crawled into bed and closed her eyes not even ten minutes ago, but the sunlight shining through her curtains told her otherwise. With a small groan, the blonde lifted her head from her pillow to peer at the time written across the lockscreen of her phone just to confirm her unfortunate suspicions. It was indeed 7am. 

“Shelby!” Her bedroom door abruptly opened and her mother rushed in with an expression that said ‘get the hell up’. Jobeth moved in quick motions to the other side of her room so she could throw open the curtains. The bright light caused Shelby to wince and once again groan, though this time she opted to pull the blankets over her head in an attempt to block it all out.

“You’ve already slept in two hours later than usual. No morning run, no time for breakfast. Now, get up before your father comes in here next.” The woman forced the blankets away from her teenage daughter’s figure and gave her the look that all moms had - the one that let their children know they were on the verge of getting into serious trouble.

“Okay, okay, I’m up.” Shelby followed the statement up with a deep sigh while simultaneously pulling her tired limbs out of the comfort of her bed. Jobeth remained off to the side of her bedroom with her arms crossed, then only exiting once she figured that Shelby was up and awake enough that she wouldn’t be risking her going back to sleep. 

Despite the fact that she thought she was capable of falling asleep standing there in front of her closet, Shelby wouldn’t have changed the last few hours that transpired for anything. 

Shelby readied herself for school as fast as she possibly could. She also used her makeup to the best of her abilities to make herself look like someone resembling the living. After applying a weeks worth of concealer under her eyes, Shelby paused so she could view herself in the mirror. Nothing appeared different about her. The reflection staring back showed her nothing but the same Shelby she saw day after day. Didn’t people always say that losing your virginity was supposed to _change_ you? That had never been something she fed into, though she still found it to be an interesting take.

“Getting a late start today, aren’t ya, Shelbs?” Her father looked at her from over the top of his coffee mug as she made her first appearance of the day. Shelby smiled at the older man, then nodding in an apologetic agreement. 

“I didn’t sleep well last night,” she confessed as she grabbed an orange from the bowl of fruit her mother had arranged on the kitchen island. “I was up and down.”

“See, hun? I told you it was just her you heard.” Dave glanced back to where his wife stood over the stove pushing around a pile of scrambled eggs on a frying pan. “Your momma thought she heard someone moving around out here this morning.”

Shelby produced a nervous smile, though her father simply shrugged it off and her mother returned to the breakfast she was making. Everyone fell silent, so she considered this to be the best time for her to make her exit. She had only made it a few steps when her father’s voice called out to her, then he was standing at her side. 

“Did you forget something?” He questioned, both of his eyebrows raised to punctuate the question. 

Shelby was sure she looked like a deer caught in the headlights, but as her father glanced to the ceiling and pointed in the same direction, she understood what he was referring to. Of course. She had forgotten about their daily morning prayers. 

“Of course not,” she tried to cover up her lapse of memory with a small chuckle. “My mind just wandered for a second.” Allowing her smile to linger, her father’s hands then clasped around hers and they bowed their heads, both of them muttering the prayer in quiet unison. 

x x x 

In spite of getting a late start that morning, Shelby by some miracle made it to school with fifteen minutes to spare. Instead of going inside and heading straight for her first class, she walked through the student parking lot towards where Dot’s assigned spot was so she could interact with her friends for a bit before the day truly began. Since she was the last one of the group to arrive, everyone turned to focus their attention on her for a second as she approached.

“Well, good morning, sleeping beauty.” Dot loudly announced while slinging her arm over Shelby’s shoulders. “It’s nice of you to finally join us.” 

“Give me a break, Dottie. My alarm didn’t go off!” The blonde playfully pushed at her friend until she removed the hold she had on her, all of them laughing along to the small scene. As she adjusted the shirt she had on, which had slipped to the side because of Dot, her gaze lifted and immediately fell upon Toni. She was leaning back against Dot’s car with her book bag slung over her shoulder, looking as serene as ever. Both girls exchanged a private glance, Shelby then flashing a small smile before her attention was grabbed by Regan. 

“We were just talking about going to Dot’s after school,” the shorter girl announced with her focus now on Shelby. “I hope you’ll be joining.” 

Shelby shrugged, nodding. “Oh, actually, I have to take my little sister to dance class first. I can meet you guys there after that?” 

“Mind if I ride along with you?” Toni spoke up for the first time since she had arrived. No one seemed to think her question was off except for Martha, who gave her a quick sideways glance though said nothing. 

“Yeah, sure. It’ll be nice to have the company of someone who isn’t seven.”

Martha scoffed, producing her own laughter at that point. She raised an eyebrow as she then motioned towards Toni but kept her eyes situated on Shelby. “You _have_ met Toni, right? She has the mental maturity of a five year old.” 

“Hey!” Toni retorted with a dramatic gasp, her mouth falling open in mock offense. “I am at least six!” 

No one could stop their laughter then. Once each girl had managed to control their giggles, they continued their ever revolving conversations until the bell rang signaling to them that they had five minutes to get to class. 

The rest of the morning went by without incident. She would occasionally pass Toni in the hall and they would share a lingering gaze or exchange smiles, but it was nothing big enough for anyone to take notice of. Shelby’s heart would skip beat each time their eyes met, though. She would go through the motions of the day in an attempt to just get to her last period as fast as possible because that’s when she would be around Toni again. Since she knew her sleep schedule could not handle too many late night rendezvous, Shelby would take her time with her in any way that she could get it. That being in a classroom where they couldn’t really _be_ with each other wasn’t necessarily ideal, but it would have to suffice. 

Shelby was fixated on the educational movie their biology teacher had put on for them so she could finish grading papers without being interrupted. She stared wide-eyed at the screen, though she wasn’t really paying attention to whatever the british narrator was spewing. Instead, she was all too aware of Toni’s presence behind her. She knew every time the girl would shift or make even the slightest noise; it was pretty much torture sitting this close to her and not being able to really even acknowledge each other.

It was only when she felt something graze against her arm that she glanced back. Toni had her cheek resting on her hand on top of the desk, her other arm outstretched as if she was just trying to sleep comfortably on the very uncomfortable desk. This gave her the perfect opportunity to caress her finger along Shelby’s upper arm in small motions. The simple gesture was enough to put them both at ease. 

Despite this, she also found herself scanning through the classroom. No one was looking in their direction; the other students were either watching the movie or taking a note from Toni and also sleeping. Shelby’s eyes paused when they passed over Andrew. He was leaned back in his seat and absentmindedly playing with something in his hand, though she wasn’t able to make it out from her angle. Things weren’t as awkward between them as she initially thought they would be after their break up. Sometimes she would catch him looking her way out in the parking lot or during their lunch period, but he never made any attempt to approach her. This was something she was thankful for. 

Toni had just slyly shifted her fingers to brush Shelby’s hair away from her shoulder when the final bell of the day echoed through every hallway and classroom. Anyone that had been asleep was quick to pop up with a dazed look, as if their teacher wouldn’t be able to realize they had slept the entire hour. Shelby wasn’t in too much of a hurry, so she took her time with gathering her things and standing from her desk. Of course, Toni matched her pace so they could exit the class together. It wasn’t odd for them to be seen together now, not after Shelby had made new friends, but both of them were still very hesitant to appear too eager around the other. Shelby knew that Toni only did this for her appearances. 

“Have you let mommy and daddy know yet that you won’t be home until later?” Toni teased as they walked through the hallway at an identical pace, both girls headed back out towards the student parking lot. 

Shelby wanted to tell her that she didn’t need to let her parents know _everything_ and it would be fine, but they both knew that wasn’t true. So, she rolled her eyes at the other girl and retrieved her phone from her back pocket so she could do just that. Shelby was in the process of sending a text to both of her parents when her shoulder accidentally collided with someone walking in the opposite direction. “Oh, sorry,” she spoke to the figure but when she lifted her gaze she saw Andrew turning around to face them. 

Andrew gave her a smile that sent a chill down her spine. There was something about it that made her uneasy, though she wasn’t able to put her finger on it. But because her parents had raised a kind and polite young woman, Shelby forced a grin for her ex. His eyes lingered on her for an uncomfortable minute and then shifted to look Toni up and down, the smile he had previously produced fading. 

“Not a problem,” he eventually said, shrugging. “Hey, Toni, it’s good to see that lip of yours healed well.” Andrew chuckled, the two friends he had been talking to in the hall falling into the same response. 

“Fuck you,” the girl countered. Toni took a step forward in hopes to get around the boys, but Andrew extended his arm out to block her path, his hand pressing into the lockers they had been beside. “Are you fucking kidding me right now?”

Shelby could practically see the blood boiling beneath Toni’s skin. It was no secret that Andrew deserved to have his ass kicked but that wasn’t something that needed to go down on school grounds. Since Toni already acquired quite the reputation for having a temper, it would obviously end in her suspension, or even expulsion. 

“Andrew, cut it out,” Shelby reached out to place a hand on Toni’s shoulder in an attempt to guide her back a couple of steps. When Toni did as she desired, Shelby stepped in front so she could continue the little battle. Her eyes locked with Andrew’s, both of them staring the other down. Her annoyance was clear, and since Andrew didn’t want to cause a scene with _her_ , he eventually lowered his arm. 

Shifting Toni back in front of her and giving her shoulder a nudge to go on, Shelby made sure to keep an eye on Andrew. He obviously had no problem with starting something with Toni and that was the last thing she wanted to happen. If she had to spend the rest of their high school career keeping Toni’s anger in check then she would without issue. 

“Watch your back, Shalifoe!” Andrew called down the hallway as they walked away.

Shelby could sense Toni tensing beside her and she was very aware of the way her fingers clasped into a fist at her sides. Unfortunately, Shelby couldn’t do anything about it right then. The two girls walked through the student parking lot in silence, both heading straight for her Jeep that sat on the edge of the lot. Andrew’s truck remained parked beside hers because of their assigned spots, but she figured they had a few minutes before he decided to leave. 

Once they were both inside her car, she reached over to grasp Toni’s hand within her own. “Hey, look at me,” she spoke in a soothing tone and then lightly squeezed the girl’s hand. 

Toni’s knee bounced up and down in rapid movements, which was something Shelby had realized she did when she got too worked up about something. The ‘something’ that set her off was usually a mystery to Shelby, though. Sometimes it was a situation so small that she hadn’t even realized it happened, but other times, like this specific one, it was blatantly obvious. 

“Toni…” Shelby breathed out after releasing her hand so she could then lightly grasp her chin and turn the brunette’s head to face her. Their eyes locked and almost immediately Toni’s knee slowed before halting the bouncing completely. “Three more months,” she reminded her. They had three months until graduation, that now being something Shelby was counting down for the sake of them all. Toni always said she didn’t want to know how much longer they had because it would only make time go by slower, but Shelby figured now was a good time to point out the ticking clock. 

Shelby typically kept her hands - and lips - to herself when they were at school. It was a high risk area for her because if one person just so happened to see them being a little _too_ friendly with each other, then the entire school would know by the next morning. With this in mind, Shelby still leaned in to place a chaste kiss to Toni’s mouth. It was quick, lasting no more than a couple of seconds, but it was enough to unclench Toni’s jaw and make her take in a much needed deep breath. 

Toni made a motion like she was about to say something, but then her eyes shifted just to the right of Shelby’s head and she pulled her lower lip between her teeth. 

“What?” Shelby questioned while simultaneously glancing over her shoulder to where Toni’s gaze was fixated. She was expecting to see nothing but one of the trees that lined this side of the parking lot, but instead she came basically face to face with a shocked Dot with only the glass of her window separating them.

“I knew it!” Dot ecstatically yelled. “I fucking knew it!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, SO, I tossed around the idea of doing an _actual_ sex scene for the two, but then decided that maybe I wouldn't. Obviously I didn't for this chapter, but it's still a possibility for later ones. Would you lovely readers be down for that or are you more interested in the plot?   
> I MUST KNOW.
> 
> I'm also weighing the pros and cons of making a tumblr simply so I can interact with anyone that may have questions, ideas, or just wants to throw some series theories around and discuss our love for the show. 
> 
> As always, thank you for taking time to read my little Shoni story. You're all the best. 
> 
> xoxo


	7. can i count on you?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  _Inner demons that I can't seem to push aside._  
>  _I can't stop it and that's why I need you here._  
>  _I am no good but you steer me clear of my bad emotions._  
>  _ **You're my only virtue.**_  
>  Kllo - Virtue

**[ TONI’S POV ]**

_Don’t freak out. Don't freak out. Don't freak out._

That was the only phrase currently running through her head as she looked back and forth between Shelby and Dot. It wasn't for her, though. No, it was more so her trying to put that energy out into the world for Shelby’s sake. 

Toni watched as Shelby stared at Dot, who in turn was staring at both of them with an expression of pure excitement and happiness. Honestly, she looked like a little kid who had free rein of a candy store. 

Why the fuck was this happening?

Shelby rolled down the window of her car and immediately began stuttering over her words. “It's not what you think, Dottie. Um...but how much did you see? Because, well, it's just that...Jesus.” 

A chuckle escaped from Toni, her eyes rolling at the sad attempt Shelby made at covering up the kiss. She knew there would be no point in doing so because Dot had seen everything, but it was still amusing to watch her try so hard. 

“Jesus has nothing to do with this.” Toni then spoke up, poking a bit of fun at Shelby’s wording choice. This earned her nothing but a sharp glare from the blonde. 

“I knew there was something between you two!” Dot announced again. “Toni doesn't get all heart eyes for anyone _ever_!” 

Shelby was quick to hush the other girl, her finger held up to her lips in a signal that said “shut the hell up”. Dot clasped her hand over her mouth to stop more words from coming out, but even that wasn't enough to put a halt on her snickers of joy. 

Toni was well aware of the gears turning in Shelby’s head and the way she began to play with the rings on her fingers. This was Shelby’s tell-sign of being anxious. With her eyes lingering on the blonde for a moment, Toni then leaned closer into her side of the car so she could see Dot more clearly. 

“Keep this to yourself, okay?” It was worded like a question but it was definitely more of a demand. “I’m serious, Dot.” 

Dot did nothing but roll her eyes, portray a face that was full of mocking sarcasm, and then turn to make her leave from the car. “Hurry up and get your asses to my house! Oh, and bring snacks!” She called out from over her shoulder.

“Snacks?” Shelby repeated in confusion, but was only met with a shrug from Toni. 

x x x

“And, and, and, and then she told me that I was the class President for the week, so I get to be the line leader and get my treat first!” 

Melody grinned with great pride from the backseat. She had been going on and on about her new title at school since they picked her up, and while Shelby appeared to be lost in her own thoughts and barely engaging, Toni had become quite taken with the younger Goodkind. She had the same optimism that Shelby also donned which made her quite easy to talk to despite their vast age difference. It was entertaining and lighthearted chatter - that being something Toni needed more of in her life.

“Oh yeah? That’s rad. I bet your classmates were all jealous.” She was turned around just enough in the seat so she could face Melody at an angle. The younger girl was now uncomfortably tugging at the strap of the leotard she had on, as if she just remembered her distaste for it during their brief silence. Right as she was about to speak up again, more than likely to continue her chatter on being President, the car rolled to a stop in front of a building that already had a swarm of other girls wearing the same blue leotard bustling about the front. 

“Momma will pick you up in an hour, okay?” Shelby spoke up for the first time in over ten minutes as she peered at her little sister through the rearview mirror. Melody didn’t say anything, but instead hastily exited the car and zoomed to the front of the building to join the other girls. She immediately merged into the conversation, all of them now giggling amongst each other. Toni couldn’t help but to wonder what it would’ve been like to have friends like that growing up. She had Martha, of course, but not until she was in middle school. Before then, she was alone. 

When Shelby pulled out of the dance studio parking lot, Toni leaned back in the seat and focused her attention straight on the road. Neither girl said anything right away, though Toni took note of the way Shelby firmly white-knuckled the steering wheel. She wanted to ignore it for no reason other than to let Shelby sit in her nerves and eventually calm herself down, so that’s what she did...for a bit. 

It was only when they were exiting the gas station near Dot’s house after dropping the bags of snacks in the backseat that she found her voice. “You shouldn’t worry about Dot knowing,” she pointed out in the softest tone she could muster up. Toni had become a lot calmer since growing closer with the blonde, but she still had a long way to go when it came to ‘checking her tone’, as their friends liked to say. 

Shelby’s jaw clenched in response to the statement and she released a heavy sigh. “I shouldn’t have to worry about a lot of things, Toni, yet that’s all I do.” 

“I mean...I know that what I’m going to say may not help whatever it is going through your mind, but I know Dot won’t tell anyone, and even if -” 

This was obviously the wrong thing to say. Shelby quickly turned her head to look at Toni, a glare now flaring in her eyes. “It doesn't matter!” She exclaimed while stomping on the brake in front of a red light, sending both of them lurching forward ever so slightly. “I wasn't ready for anyone else to find out!”

“Fuck, Shelby, I know. I'm sorry!” Toni quickly tried to cover her tracks, shaking her head. Her plan had been to speak soothing words to her, but Shelby was already prepped for an argument. 

“I am _terrifiedyou_ happy and fuck what everyone else thinks!” 

Shelby already had tears welling up in her eyes, but she didn't let them fall just yet. Her lips pressed together in a tight line and she shook her head along to what was being said. “It's not that easy for me.” 

“You aren't going through this alone, Shelby. You have a support system now; Fatin, Dot, Martha, _me_...we're all in your corner. We're going to be there for you through all of it, and if you don't realize that by now, Shelby, then I don't know what the fuck to tell you.” 

It was then that a stray tear fell from the blonde’s eye, though it didn't get far before she was wiping it away with the back of her hand. Seeing her cry, even just a single tear, was like a knife to Toni’s heart. 

There was a silence that fell upon them once the car began accelerating again. Toni kept her eyes on Shelby for a long moment, merely studying the way her jaw clenched before eventually relaxing. She was hoping this meant Shelby had found a bit of chill because the outburst definitely hadn't been something she was expecting. Toni wanted to be understanding. That's all she ever wanted to be when it came to Shelby’s situation, but it was hard when the other girl still portrayed it like she was going through it all alone. Toni would never abandon her during such a fragile time. Why couldn't Shelby get that through her stubborn head?

Toni unbuckled her seatbelt and started gathering her things when they rolled to a stop in front of Dot’s house. She was just about to open the car door when she realized Shelby had barely moved a muscle. Shelby must've sensed her confusion because she cut her eyes at Toni in a quick glance then stared straight again. 

“Don't do this,” Toni breathed out. 

“I just don't know if it's a good idea for me to go in there right now.” 

Toni released the grasp she had on the handle so she could angle herself to face the other girl. With her lower lip pulled between her teeth, she found herself reaching out to lightly touch Shelby's shoulder. The blonde didn't flinch away from her but she also didn't acknowledge the motion either. In Toni’s head, that was just as bad. 

“You promised me you wouldn't shut us out.” 

“I'm not...I'm not shutting you out.” Shelby’s eyes closed when she took in a deep breath, shaking her head. 

“But you are,” Toni quickly responded. “I know how this cycle works; you don't come in, tomorrow you talk to none of us, and then before you know it you're back with your old fucking friend group and we're forgotten.” 

Shelby finally focused her attention on her at this point. Her eyebrows were furrowed and her jaw had fallen slack just a bit, making it appear as if she was completely taken back by the accusation Toni had made. Despite this, Toni stood by every word. 

“I could never forget about you,” Shelby attempted to explain in a voice that was much softer than any she had previously presented during the car ride. Maybe she was now seeing the fault in her ways. “After everything we've said and _done_...I wouldn't even want to.” 

Toni took this moment to shift her hand from the girl’s shoulder and up to cup her cheek in a loving gesture. Their eyes connected as Shelby leaned into her touch, her own hand lifting to rest over Toni’s. 

“I'm sorry,” the blonde spoke in a near whisper. “I'm just so scared, Toni. I've spent all of my life rejecting this side of me and hiding it away from everyone including myself...so what if it just completely backfires? What if we end up making each other freakin’ miserable?” 

Toni couldn't help but to smile at the tiny rant Shelby was now going on. It was like she could see every thought crossing her mind and the other girl saying it as soon as it appeared. Even though this led Shelby to talking _a lot_ , Toni was fond of it. Shelby was usually someone who thought before she spoke and perfectly aligned every word but her speaking freely was more honest, and also rather bold for her standards. 

“Do you not ever feel like that?” Shelby continued. 

“I don't think I've got it in me to get that scared about something that could be good.” 

x x x

“Where’s Shelby?” Martha looked up from her phone as soon as she noticed Toni walking through the front door of Dot’s house. Toni said nothing at first, instead choosing to shrug her shoulder until realizing that this response would not suffice with Martha. “She wasn’t feeling well, so she decided to sit tonight out.” 

Martha slumped down in her seat and poked her lower lip out into a pout. She audibly huffed her sadness towards the lack of the blonde, which didn’t come as a surprise to anyone. It was no secret that Martha had taken a great liking to Shelby. It was annoying at times, and Toni had no shame in pointing this out, but she also understood. She too missed the presence of the blonde. 

While her answer to Martha had been _mostly_ a lie, there was a tiny bit of truth behind it. Despite them ending things on semi-good terms, Shelby had still opted to go home. She claimed she wasn’t in the right mental state to see everyone tonight because they would constantly question her less-than-optimistic mood since it was so out of the ordinary for her - at least when it came to how she portrayed herself in front of everyone that wasn’t Toni. As upset as she was about this, because the tension didn’t sit right with Toni, she wistfully let the blonde go without another argument spawning between them. 

Shelby had clearly observed how down Toni was about it and promised to call her later that night. That simple promise was enough to get Toni to crack a smile when they said their goodbyes in front of Dot’s house.

“Well, that’s lame,” Dot spoke up while walking out of the kitchen with a La Croix in her hand. 

“No, what’s lame are those nasty ass acid waters you drink,” the smaller brunette shot back with a chuckle. Dot lifted the can a bit so she could peer at it, shaking her head. 

“What? They’re not that bad!” 

“They taste like if you licked an orange peel after brushing your teeth.” With the addition of a dramatic cringe to her statement, Toni waved her hand in disgust at the drink before sliding by Dot so she could drop the newly purchased snacks in the kitchen. After dumping the contents out onto the counter, she tossed the empty bags into the trash and then snagged the bag of Takis from the pile. 

She had just pried the sealed bag apart when Dot made herself known again. She leaned back against the kitchen counter, her lips pushed out and her eyes squinted as if she was trying to find the right words for whatever was going through her mind. That terrified Toni because there truly never was any telling what Dot was thinking. 

“Trouble in paradise?” She finally questioned. 

Toni scoffed, rolling her eyes. “ _Paradise_ isn’t really what I would call it.” 

“I don’t know...you two looked pretty cozy in the car earlier.” Dot shrugged while bringing the dreadful drink up to her mouth again for another long swallow. 

“That’s only because she was calming me down to make sure I didn’t shove my foot up Andrew’s ass. I swear, that douche is really starting to - I don’t even fucking know.” Toni released a heavy sigh. “I don’t think there’s a word strong enough to describe how angry he makes me.” 

Shifting in front of her, Dot leaned her hip into the kitchen counter so the two girls were face to face. Well...kind of. Dot still stood a good three inches taller than her, if not more, so it was more like face to chin. 

“I don’t make this offer to just anyone, okay? So know that I do it because I care about you.” Dot placed her drink down, her hands then reaching out to grasp both of Toni’s shoulders. How fucking serious was she about to get? Toni was sure that her confusion was evident on her face. “Do you want me to kill him? My dad had some friends that will do the deed for nothing but a case of Bud Light and a couple of joints.” 

Toni couldn’t hold back her snort of laughter at the offer Dot had set forth. As much as she was hoping that the other girl was joking, there was a part of her that felt as if she was being deathly serious. After all, Dot was rather… _intense_ when she needed to be. 

“As much as I appreciate that, I - uh - I think I’m good.” Toni placed a gentle, friendly pat to the side of Dot’s head, her laughter finally fading as she spoke. 

Dot dropped one hand away from her as the other slid around to drape over her shoulders, tugging the shorter brunette into her side so they could walk out of the kitchen together. “Just think about it. No need to make a decision right away.” 

“Jesus, Dorothy. Are you offering to put a hit out on someone again?” Fatin kept her focus down on her nails that she was picking at, though her tone was still stern. “You’ve got problems, seriously.” 

“Hey!” It was only then that Dot released the hold she had on Toni and took wide steps across the room before flopping down on the couch beside Fatin. “It’s kill or be killed in this world, ladies. I”m just trying to lend a helping hand.” 

Martha’s head snapped around at the mention of death, a look of faint fear gleaming in her eyes. “What? Kill? What are you guys talking about?” 

With a chuckle, Toni lowered herself onto the floor next to Martha, playfully nudging her with her elbow. “Don’t listen to Dot’s bullshit. I wouldn’t let someone kill you.” Angling the Takis bag in an offer to her best friend, she smiled when Martha took in a deep breath, nodded, and dug her hand into the chips to retrieve a few. 

“You shouldn’t be so sure, Toni. You never know when someone is gonna try to take you out.” Dot attempted to keep a straight face but it didn’t take long for her smile to show through, the grin cutting through the false sense of tension she had created. 

“Enough!” Fatin loudly exclaimed to silence them all. “But speaking of _taking out_ \- which one of you bitches is going to ask me to your prom? My uppity, stuck up school doesn’t have dances, and I seriously miss shaking my ass with the teachers lurking all around.” 

Dot and Toni exchanged a look with each other, both of them remaining momentarily silent. Toni had barely even given prom a thought, but now that it was the topic of their discussion, she couldn’t help but to wonder just _who_ she would be going with. Only one person - that being a bubbly blonde - pushed her way to the forefront of her mind. 

_Fat chance of that happening_ , she thought to herself.

“I figured we’d all just go together,” Toni finally spoke up after swallowing the mouthful of her favorite snack. 

Fatin looked at her as if she had just physically slapped her across the face. Honestly, she couldn’t say she was shocked by the reaction. 

“It’s our senior year, Debbie Downer. I’m sorry, but I’m not going to one day tell my kids that I went to prom with a group of friends. How sad does that sound?” 

This brought forth a bout of laughter from Dot, so much so that she grasped her stomach as if it was paining her. “You really think prom is going to be important enough to tell your kids about? _That_ is what’s actually sad.” 

Fatin smacked Dot’s chest with the back of her hand in a playful manner, her eyes narrowing in a glare. 

“Fine, christ.” Dot heaved, following it up with a deep sigh. “Fatin, will you go to prom with me?”

“Yes, Dorothy, I will.” A large grin had taken up real estate on Fatin’s face, signaling just how proud she was of the accomplishment of all but inviting herself to their school’s prom. 

“I look best in green, so dress accordingly,” she continued, dramatically tossing her long hair away from her shoulder. 

Dot wrinkled her nose in mock disgust. “I look like ass in green and you know it!”

As much as Toni was enjoying the little game of back and forth happening before her, the feeling of her phone vibrating in her pocket tore away her attention. She popped her finger out of her mouth after cleaning Taki dust from it so she could unlock her phone in anticipation to read the text she had apparently received from Shelby. 

**[ SHELBY 5:32pm ]: I’m sorry about how things went today**

Toni stared down at the message with her thumbs hovering over the keys of her phone. She hated that it was still weighing on Shelby’s mind because she thought they had put it behind them before separating that evening. 

**[ TONI 5:34pm ]: it’s okay. you don’t need to be sorry.**

**[ SHELBY 5:35pm ]: Are you having fun?**

**[ TONI 5:35pm ]: oh yeah it’s a lot of fun listening to dot & fatin talk about color coordinating their prom outfits**

The three little dots that would pop up when someone was typing appeared, disappeared for a minute, and then finally reappeared. Had her mention of prom taken Shelby off guard? Maybe she was just as confused about the date situation as she herself was. Or maybe that was just her own wishful thinking.

**[ SHELBY 5:38pm ]: Would all of you want to come over to my house tomorrow for a cookout?**

**[ SHELBY 5:38pm ]: My parents want to meet you guys.**

Apparently Toni was wearing her emotions towards the question on her face, because Fatin saying her name a couple of times brought her forth from her own thoughts.

“You okay?” She asked with clear concern. 

“Huh? Yeah, sorry, I’m good.” Toni nodded while simultaneously taking in a deep breath. “So...Shelby wants all of us to come over tomorrow for a cookout...you guys down for it?” 

Everyone else in the room mimicked the same expression Toni had donned when she first read over the text as well. She was actually somewhat relieved to know that she wasn't the only one a little taken back by the request. Shelby had never really said anything too great about her parents, but she also didn’t bad-mouth them. When she really thought about it, Shelby tried not to talk about her parents in general. 

“Yeah...yeah...I guess so. Right? That’ll be cool.” Fatin looked back and forth between Martha and Dot, both of whom nodded in agreement. 

**[ TONI 5:41pm ]: yeah we can be there**

“You don’t think this is just a plan to get us all there so we can be recruited to their cult - I mean church - do you?” Dot held a sly smirk over her lips, her term slipup being purposeful. 

While Martha scolded Dot for her poor choice of words, Toni dropped her focus back down to the texts she was exchanging with Shelby. Those damned three dots had been appearing and disappearing again and all she wanted was to yell at Shelby to just say whatever it was she was struggling to piece together. As if the vibes she was putting off could be felt from a few neighborhoods over, a new text popped up from her. 

**[ SHELBY 5:46pm ]: Can you come over in an hour?**

This question was even more confusing than the last one was. Fuck...maybe Shelby really was trying to recruit them into her church and she had decided to start with the biggest sinner out of them all: her. 

**[ SHELBY 5:47pm ]: My parents have a meeting at the church so they’ll be gone for a bit.**

Okay, well that made a little more sense, but it still didn’t stop Toni’s mind from wandering every which way. 

**[ TONI 5:48pm ]: i’ll see you then**

x x x

**[ SHELBY’S POV ]**

“Have you asked them about tomorrow yet?” Dave Goodkind had one hand on the doorknob and the other on the doorframe as he leaned into her room. Both of his eyebrows were raised in a questioning gesture, and while her parents had promised it would be a fun get-together, there was a hint of cruelty noticeable in his eyes. 

Shelby forced a smile as she lowered her phone, quickly locking it as if that would stop her father from being able to see the text exchange with Toni. “They said they would be here,” she spoke with a nod. 

Her father flashed his own gleeful smile and tapped the doorframe in excitement for the hell he was about to put her through. “Great!” He exclaimed. The older man was just about to turn around when he shifted back to peek into her room, their eyes locking from across the room. “Any allergies?”

“No...but Martha is a vegetarian.” Shelby hesitantly confessed.

“Really? Huh, well...there will be sides for her.” With that, her father turned so he could swing around to the staircase a few feet away. “We’ll see you in the morning, kiddo!”

The need that her family had to meet her new friends was odd to her. She had been ambushed by the question not long after arriving home and while she truly didn’t want them and her parents to meet just yet, she knew she didn’t have much of a choice. Shelby was sure her parents would love Fatin and Martha, but Dot and Toni...well, they were a different story. She was praying Toni would be on her best behavior and not let her anger take the lead with this impromptu meeting. 

This would be her parents’ first impression of Toni and that was important to her. No, she wouldn’t be introducing her as anything more than _just_ a friend, obviously, but that didn’t make it any less crucial that they approve of her. 

Once her parents had left for the night, and after reminding them that their meeting would be running later than usual because of their delayed start, she spent the next hour distracting herself with her siblings instead of counting down the minutes. Okay, well, maybe she would still find herself glancing at the clock every few minutes and feeling more anxious the closer the end of the hour neared. 

**[ SHELBY 6:47pm ]: Come around to the backdoor once you’re here.**

Shelby had managed to get her siblings into bed early by bribing them with the promise of cupcakes at the cookout. She told them they didn’t have to sleep just yet, but they couldn’t be roaming around the house. Spencer put up a bit of a fight, so she also had to provide him with his Switch to keep him happy. He was pleased with this considering the strict ‘screen time’ schedule they were kept on. 

There was a light tap to the glass of the backdoor just as Shelby had cut the lights to the living room. She took a few steps closer and was then easily able to make out the features of Toni’s face; her eyes were slightly widened but she was still presented with a sweet smile. 

“Shh,” she whispered, holding her finger up to her lips so that Toni knew to stay silent. Neither girl said anything as Shelby closed the backdoor and securely locked it. Then taking the brunette’s hand, she guided her through the kitchen and up the stairs to where her room waited. 

Shelby released a soft exhale once they were behind the security of her bedroom door. Although her siblings definitely weren’t paying her any mind, she still didn’t want to be too loud and risk drawing their attention. She wasn’t sure what else she would be able to bribe them with at this point, and she also knew Spencer had a big mouth and would tattle to their parents as soon as the opportunity presented itself. 

“Wow.”

Toni’s voice managed to bring forth her attention. She glanced over her shoulder to see the other girl standing in the middle of her room with her eyes on the shelf of pageant crowns and rows of colorful sashes that were on full display. A slight embarrassment seeped into her bones and Shelby suddenly wished she had hidden them deep within her closet. 

“Shrine to your character?” Toni joked when she turned her head to look at the blonde, pointing to the narcissistic trophies. “You’re really committed.” 

The words chosen only stirred the animosity she kept buried deep; Shelby knew she was playing a character for everyone she had ever met, but that didn’t mean she wanted to be called out on it. 

“Don’t…” she breathed out in discomposure, “I can’t handle that right now.”

Toni dropped her hand back down to her side in defeat, slowly nodding. She took this time to walk the perimeter of Shelby’s room, studying all the trinkets and keep-sakes she had scattered around. Shelby sat on the edge of her bed while watching her in silence; it brought forth a bit of happiness to know that Toni was curious about the things her bedroom held. 

Unfortunately, that was short lived when Toni paused in front of the framed picture on her desk of her and Becca. Her lips pressed firmly together, her gaze going back and forth between the picture and Toni. Shelby almost thought she was going to bypass it without making a comment, but that had been nothing but wishful thinking. 

“I didn’t know you two had been so close,” she admitted in a hesitant voice. Shelby could tell that Toni was attempting to piece it together. 

“We’ve been best friends since I can even remember. Well...we _were_.” 

This caused Toni to look at her, her face portraying an expression of sadness. “I’m sorry,” she held her gaze, “I know how much it hurts to lose someone.” 

Of course she did. There was never a doubt in Shelby’s mind that Toni hadn’t experienced such a heartache. This was mainly because people in their town talked - she knew about what Toni had gone through with her mother. The woman wasn’t _gone_ like Becca was, but in a way it was all the same. 

Shelby straightened her posture, a smile tugging at the corners of her lips. “I didn’t invite you over so we could talk about sad stuff,” she pointed out in the joyful tone she usually carried. 

“Then why am I here?” Toni turned to face her, their gaze once again locking. Her face was illuminated by nothing but the bedside lamp and the shadows it created made her think back to their time at the lake. It had only been the previous night but it felt like weeks had passed since then. 

“I missed you.” Shelby wanted there to be nothing but honesty between them, even when it came to small confessions like the one she had just made. “I also didn’t want us to go to bed in this weird...limbo with each other.” 

It would’ve felt off to go to sleep that night knowing her and Toni were in an odd place. Plus, because of their plans with her family the following day, it would have potentially made that even more uncomfortable for her. Shelby was sure the cookout would hold enough of that all on its own without the added help of her own relationship insecurities. 

“That’s, like, completely cheesy. I know.” The blonde rolled her eyes at herself through her awkward laugh, though this seemed to draw Toni closer. Before she knew it, the other girl was lowering herself onto the bed beside her and reaching for her hand to intertwine their fingers, then presenting her with a small, reassuring squeeze.

Shelby was still surprised by Toni’s capacity to actually be sweet and kind. For the longest time, like all the way since they were kids and up until a few weeks ago, she never knew the brunette was capable of anything but anger. She always ran so hot, full of nothing but fiery passion that was almost too much for someone of her stature to handle. It was one of the things that Shelby loved most about Toni. It was overwhelming at times, just as she was sure it was for Toni as well, but that didn't make it any less appealing. 

“We’re good, Shelby.” Toni smiled as she spoke, nodding. 

Maybe she was overthinking things like she always did - especially when it came to Toni - but who could blame her? This was new territory for her. Not just because she was in a relationship with a girl, but because she was an _equal_ in the relationship. While she was with Andrew, she was treated lesser than no matter the circumstance. At the time it didn’t really seem that way, though she was sure this was due to her denial of basically every aspect of her life. But now, looking back on their time together, Andrew was a terrible boyfriend and an even worse person. 

Shelby closed the small space between them so she could capture Toni’s lips with her own. She leaned into her, her free hand lifting to cup her cheek in an attempt to keep her head steady as to not break the kiss just yet. All it took was Toni pressing back into her and grasping her waist for her to know that she wasn’t planning on stopping anytime soon. 

With a bit of a bold streak finding its way to her, Shelby countered Toni’s strength so she was able to push the girl onto her back in the middle of her bed. She went along with her, their bodies soon melding together as their lips moved in perfect sync. 

Things weren’t moving as slow as they had the night before. Shelby had gotten her taste of Toni then and now all she wanted was more; she knew her teenage hormones were mostly to blame for this. 

Maneuvering her knees to rest on either side of Toni’s hips in a straddle, she sat up so she was easily able to tug her own shirt off and toss it onto the floor near her bed. Her bra was the next thing to go which left her more exposed than she had been during their previous time together. The setting still wasn’t ideal considering her siblings were on the other side of the hall and in reality her parents could walk through the front door at any minute, but that wasn’t going to detour Shelby from getting what she craved. If anything, it further excited her. 

Toni made no attempt to cover the way her eyes dropped to the girl’s chest. She took in a sharp breath before pushing up onto her elbows and reaching for Shelby; her fingers tangling in her long, blonde locks. They shared a needy kiss again until Shelby grew too impatient; it was the kind of kiss that was all tongue and teeth, and she was sure her lips would be swollen by the end of it. 

“First the lake and now you have me sneaking into your room for sex?” Toni called Shelby out when they had parted from the kiss merely so Shelby could work on undressing her. With a fake southern accent, she continued, “what have you done with that good ol’ southern girl that I recall you being?” 

Shelby wanted to tell her to be quiet, but the faux accent elicited a snicker from her. Rolling her eyes yet again, she simply shook her head so she could focus on pulling off the bra the brunette wore. Toni waited until she had succeeded before she gripped beneath her thighs and flipped their positions, easily rolling Shelby to the other side of the bed.

“Not fair!” Shelby exclaimed with a smile despite the dramatic yet irritated tone to her hushed voice. Although she had no idea what she was doing when it came to sex, and even less when it was sex with a girl, she was still rather excited to have a go at it. Toni had taken the lead for her first time, but now it was her turn to take matters into her own _hands_. Yes, she was so obviously nervous, though also eager to learn. 

“We have all night,” the other girl whispered back down to her in the time it took her to pull free the drawstring of the lounge pants Shelby was wearing. 

“No,” she countered with a quick glance over Toni’s shoulder to the clock that sat on her desk, “we have _maybe_ two hours.”

Toni smirked, slowly nodding along to her words though Shelby realized she wasn’t all too interested in their time limit. “I guess we need to make it count then,” she spoke as her fingers slipped beneath the waistband of her pants, her touch immediately bringing forth a moan from beyond Shelby’s parted lips. 

x x x

It was the warmth of something encircling her waist that began to stir her from her sleep. Then, it was the feeling of someone breathing against her shoulder that completely disrupted her slumber. 

_What the hell?_ Shelby thought to herself through her sleep-filled daze. 

Memories of the last few hours came flooding back to her waking mind, causing her eyes to immediately spring open. Her room was dark, but she was still very much aware of _who_ she was sharing her bed with. It just so happened to be a very much naked Toni. 

“Fuck!” Shelby exclaimed, her hand then flying up to cover her mouth like that would silence her outburst. 

Toni barely even flinched, but instead opted to graze her fingertips along Shelby’s bare side in her sleep. As much as she wanted to stay in this moment, she knew they had already pushed their luck to the limits. Honestly, it was amazing that they weren’t being woken up by her father yelling prayers at them. 

Shelby was out from beneath the comfort of Toni’s embrace in seconds. Now on her feet, she pushed her messy hair from her face so she was able to quickly skim the clothes that littered her bedroom floor in search of her underwear. 

“Toni? Toni!” The blonde whisper-yelled which was finally enough to wake Toni from the dead sleep she seemed to have been in. “We fell asleep.”

There was confusion written all over the other girl’s face, though this slowly dissipated when she began to put together their current situation. 

“Oh shit,” she sat up in bed while rubbing her eyes in a further effort to fully wake up. If that didn’t work, then watching Shelby rush around the room and nearly tripping when stepping into her underwear definitely did the trick. 

Toni leaned over the side of the bed where her jeans had been discarded. After rummaging through the pockets and producing her phone, she immediately tapped on Dot’s name and called her again and again until she picked up with a groggy voice.

Shelby could only faintly make out the conversation. She was all but demanding Dot come pick her up, nevermind the fact that it was after three in the morning. 

“I will give you twenty bucks!” Toni roughly whispered into the phone as she stood up so she could begin locating her own clothes. “Fuck, yes, I will also do your math homework for the next week.” 

They lingered on the phone for a few seconds longer before Toni ended the call and slid her phone into the back pocket of the jeans she now had redressed in. 

Neither girl had managed to say anything else to each other when the sound of footsteps on the staircase caused her to abruptly turn her head towards her bedroom door. With wide eyes, Shelby gripped Toni’s wrist and all but dragged her to the adjoining bathroom where she could (hopefully) safely hide. 

“Don’t make a sound,” she whispered. Shelby closed the door slightly, but not enough that it would seem out of the ordinary to whoever was awake in the house aside from her. 

In frenzied motions, the girl tiptoed in a fast pace back to her bed and slipped beneath the blankets. Just as she got settled, the sound of her bedroom door opening was deafening. Shelby could feel her heart pounding in her chest and she was praying to God that it wasn’t loud enough to be heard. 

With a fake yawn, the blonde turned over in bed, her eyes slowly fluttering open. She then saw her mother hesitantly taking a few steps into her bedroom with a concerned expression, her arms crossed over her chest to keep her robe securely around her frame. 

“Is everything okay, baby? I thought I heard voices.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First thing's first: I MADE A TUMBLR. It doesn't have much going on right now, but ya know, it's there.  
> Feel free to follow me so we can bask in our obsession for The Wilds together.  
> https://crimsonwilds.tumblr.com/
> 
> Second: I know this update took longer than usual. I was stuck less than halfway through with some crazy writer's block. I think I rewrote sections of this at least for times. I'm going to assume it's because it's more of a filler chapter than anything else. But we're slowly getting to the scenes I'm most excited to write!
> 
> Third: YES, we have another not-really-sex-scene sex scene. They're teenagers. That's what teens do. 
> 
> Fourth: My time setting is all over the place. I don't really have one other than they have about 2-3 months before they graduate. Just gonna have to go with it. :)
> 
> ANYWAY - thank you for once again reading and supporting this little story of mine! You're all the best. 
> 
> xoxo


	8. welcome this confession

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _Could this be out of line?_   
>  _To say you're the **only one** breaking me down like this._   
>  _You're the only one I would take a shot on._   
>  _Keep me hanging on so contagiously._
> 
> Acceptance - So Contagious

“Is everything okay, baby? I thought I heard voices.” 

Shelby inwardly shuddered. She was beyond terrified in that moment because Toni was merely a few feet away from them and all it would take was her mother snooping just a bit to locate her. There was no way she would be able to explain away a half naked girl hiding in her bathroom. 

Maybe one day she would tell her mother the truth but today was not that day...

“Hm?” she played dumb, slowly sitting up in bed and releasing another small fake yawn. “I've been tossing and turning again, but I didn’t think I was making any sounds.” 

The older Goodkind woman eyed her in silence before nodding. Her gaze then dropped and Shelby could see her mother lightly kick the articles of clothing that were scattered around her floor. “Lord, maybe if you cleaned up you could get some sleep,” she softly chuckled. 

Jobeth leaned down to retrieve the clothes, which she presumed to be dirty, and held them all in her arms. Shelby watched her through the darkness, quickly stating that she could take them down in a few hours and wash a couple of loads, but her mother insisted on taking them downstairs for her right then. Within the pile, Shelby was very much aware of the one shirt that stuck out the most to her: the oversized band shirt Toni had been wearing. She had no idea who the band was but even in the faint glow of just the moon from outside her bedroom window, she was able to make out the distinct lettering. 

Well… _fuck_. 

“Try to get some sleep, Shelbs,” her mother gave her a look of concern and Shelby wanted to be sympathetic, but all she could focus on was the t-shirt. 

Shifting her eyes back up to the woman, Shelby forced a small smile and nodded. “I will. Love you.” 

“Love you too,” the older woman echoed while retracing her steps back out of Shelby's bedroom. 

Once the door clicked shut, Shelby released a long sigh of relief. No, they hadn't been caught then, but they still weren't in the clear. She waited a minute before getting out of bed and slowly tiptoeing to the bathroom where she had stowed Toni away. The brunette had her arms crossed over her chest and was sitting on the edge of the bathtub, apparently impatiently waiting. 

“Be very quiet,” she whispered while motioning for her to exit the bathroom. Shelby walked back into the main area of her room and immediately went for her dresser to sift through the shirts in the top drawer. She snickered to herself when she retrieved a t-shirt from the church camp she was a counselor at a couple of years prior. It was all she had that wasn't more fitted or that didn't have a slight cropped hem. 

“Where's my shirt?” Toni questioned with great confusion as Shelby extended the new article of clothing towards her. 

Shelby bit at the corner of her lower lip and tucked a strand of messy hair behind her ear. “Um...my mom took it.”

Toni’s eyebrows furrowed indicating that her confusion only deepened. Still, she hesitantly took the shirt and pulled it over her head. 

“She was grabbing clothes off my floor to wash and yours was in the line of fire.” Shelby further explained before Toni could ask any follow up questions on the subject. 

Toni already had her phone in her hand by the time she finished the explanation. There was a small silence as she read the message, hastily typed up a response, and then slid her phone back into her pocket. “Dot’s here,” she stated with a single nod of her head. 

It may have sounded sappy, but Shelby didn't want her to leave. She already missed the comfort of Toni’s embrace as they slept and the way she had buried her face into the back of her neck right before they had drifted off only a few hours ago. Honestly, it was probably the best she had slept in awhile. 

Getting Toni out of her house had been a lot harder than getting her into it. She had given her the option of climbing out of her window or using the back door again - both had their own set of risks and potential consequences. Toni chose the back door because then even with the worst case scenario she wouldn't chance a broken ankle, or at least that was her explanation. 

Shelby stood on the stairs so she had a clear view of the front lawn from the rectangular window that rested above their front door. She had quietly rushed to the spot after locking the back door once Toni slipped through it, but not before stealing a quick kiss goodbye. There was a longing in Toni’s eyes when they pulled apart, one that told her she hated leaving her just as much as Shelby did. 

Hopefully one day it wouldn't have to be like this. 

A darkened truck drove by as Toni scurried across the side of the yard but it was then followed by the familiar silhouette of Dot’s old car. It was only when she watched Toni safely get into the car and speed away that she felt a bit of relief settle over her being. This was yet another close call that she had put herself into and as much as she hated the anxiety that came from it, Shelby knew she would do it again and again if it meant having those moments with Toni. 

The risk of it would always be worth the reward. 

x x x 

Letting people in wasn't something Shelby took lightly. She was fine with allowing people only insight into her life when it remained surface level because then she had the upper hand. She could control the narrative of who she was and how much she let be known about herself. Her old friends knew only what she wanted them to know, aside from Becca, and that's typically how she preferred to keep things. If you don't let people in then they can't judge all of the parts of you that may be fucked up. That's how she viewed it. 

All of that was different when it came to her new friends, though. She didn't have to put on a facade for them or continue with her Little Miss Perfect act anymore, and that was refreshing. It was the only time she could really be _herself_ but now that both sides of her life would be colliding...Shelby didn't know how to handle it. Most would probably assume that she was embarrassed of her friends but that wasn't the case. Nope, she was actually embarrassed of her family. Would her father try to shove his religious agenda down their throats? Would he then proceed to give her _that_ look which would immediately tell her just how much he didn't approve of the company she now kept? 

The constant ‘what if's' were more than enough to get her nerves up about the entire situation because this wasn't her father simply trying to connect with her. 

Shelby leaned forward into the kitchen island while sprinkling different colored crystals atop the cupcakes she had just finished icing. Her mind was a million miles away - too busy overthinking every different scenario that could play out that afternoon - so much so that she hadn't noticed her mother entering the kitchen. 

“Shelby? Shelbs?” the older woman now stood across from her on the other side of the island. When Shelby drifted from her thoughts, she realized her mother’s eyes held the same slight look of concern as they had earlier that morning. To ease this, she flashed her a small smile. 

“Sorry, I was a million miles away,” she explained with a chuckle. 

Shelby stood up straight as she twisted the cap back onto the sprinkles so she could begin her clean up process. As she did this, her mother glanced over her shoulder so she could make sure her father was still outside. When she figured they had a couple of minutes, Jobeth leaned in a bit closer and lowered her voice. 

“Are you okay, sweetie?” she inquired with the same worried look she had been sporting for a few days whenever she looked her way. “You seem a little off lately.” 

With another forced smile, Shelby nodded her head without hesitation to the question. “Yeah, I'm fine. I think I've just had a lot on my mind with graduation and the pageant coming up.” 

While Shelby thought her explanation was a good one, it didn't appear as if her mother was convinced. 

“Now, you know I normally wouldn't press the subject, but I can tell there's something more on your mind.” Jobeth kept her voice low as if the head of their household would be able to hear her, and Shelby couldn't say she blamed her. “I hope you know you can talk to me, Shelbs.” 

The smile she once held had slowly faded and her eyes dropped down to the baked goods she had spent the last couple of hours perfecting. Shelby desperately wanted to confess everything right then and there, and she was even sending signals to her brain to do so, but she was frozen. The words refused to escape. 

Plus, she didn't truly think that moment was the most ideal to tell her mother all her deepest, darkest secrets. 

“I know, momma,” she finally got out, “I promise I'm okay.” 

Jobeth parted her lips to say something else - more than likely a follow up question - but their conversation was cut short by the back door opening and her father walking through the threshold. 

“Whew!” he exclaimed while wiping his forehead with the back of his hand, “it is hot as Hades out there today.” 

The older man walked to the fridge to retrieve a bottle of water as Shelby continued to clean up the small mess from her cupcakes. Her mother immediately started talking about something random in an attempt to not let it be known that she was concerned for her oldest daughter. Shelby was thankful for this because the last thing she wanted was her father even more on her back. 

Dave Goodkind appeared to not notice the change in energy of the kitchen as soon as he arrived. He peered over the counter, silently critiquing the cupcakes she had made, and then gave a small nod of approval. 

“I would say those turned out great,” he complimented, his eyes shifting to his daughter. 

Shelby smiled in response while wiping her hands off on the small towel that sat at her side. “Thanks,” she politely spoke, “Spencer hopefully will agree since I told him I would make him some.” 

“You and your brother getting along? Hell must've frozen over.” Her father chuckled as he spoke, though his eyebrows had lifted to portray a look of faint disbelief. 

It might have been a bit far fetched to think of her and her siblings getting along. They were cordial to each other - most of the time - but they were also a great deal of years apart; it wasn't like they had a lot in common. Shelby was nice to both Spencer and Melody, though there were times they had their typical sibling arguments. Unfortunately, with them being the babies of the family, her parents would side with them more so than not. 

With that being said, she couldn't reveal to her father that the cupcakes had been a hush tactic in order to keep Spencer in his room all night. She couldn't even imagine how that conversation would go. 

_I actually baked them to bribe Spencer so he wouldn't leave his room. Yeah, it's because I wanted my girlfriend to come over...so we could have sex. Again._

Something was telling her that would _not_ be a good idea. 

Luckily for her, the conversation couldn't go any further due to the sound of the doorbell echoing through the house. Her heart immediately began to thump wildly in her chest, her nerves sky rocketing. Well, it was show time. 

“I'll get it,” she quickly expressed before anyone else could make a move for the door. Both of her parents headed back outside, her father to check the grill and her mother to set the large table they had beneath the balcony to keep them protected from the elements. 

With a deep breath, Shelby scrambled to the front of the house and hastily swung the door open. It was like ripping off a bandaid: do it as fast as you can. 

“Hey guys,” she greeted them all with the wide grin she was usually seen with. Dot stood closest to her, but her focus was up on the parts inside her house that she could now see. Her face held a look of curiosity. 

“Huh,” she spoke, “nice place.” 

Shelby’s eyebrows furrowed but she couldn’t help but to softly laugh at Dot’s first impression of the place she called home. “Thank you?” She breathed out while also stepping aside so they could walk in. 

Fatin was the second to enter her house. She smiled in a manner that was all too excited and Shelby knew that behind her oversized sunglasses, the smile also met her eyes. 

“I brought pie!” Fatin happily exclaimed, holding the dish up to make sure she saw it. “My mom always said to never go to a dinner party empty handed.” 

“You baked?” Shelby inquired in mild shock. 

“What? God, no,” Fatin responded, “I got this from the bakery my parents swear by. I would've brought wine, but...well…” with her free hand she motioned towards the back of the house where she was assuming her parents were. 

Releasing another string of laughter, Shelby nodded her head because she understood exactly what Fatin was trying to say. “Place it on the kitchen counter by the cupcakes,” she instructed, though only just then noticing Dot now stood in her living room, examining things as if she was just trying to get her bearings out in the wilderness. 

Martha and Toni shuffled in next. Martha looked genuinely happy to be there while Toni looked...nervous. She had to admit she felt the exact same way. It was the first time Toni would have any interaction with her parents and while they had all the other girls there as a buffer, it was still anxiety inducing. 

“Thanks for coming,” she spoke in a soft tone while closing the door behind them. 

“This is _exactly_ how I imagined your house to look!” Martha beamed before joining Fatin in the kitchen. 

Shelby's focus shifted to Toni, both of them remaining silent as they held each other’s gaze for what felt like a long moment but in reality only a couple of seconds had passed. It was different seeing Toni in the same setting as the night before, though now in opposite lighting. 

“Are you wearing mascara?” Shelby leaned in a bit closer so she could further examine Toni’s face as if she couldn't believe what she was seeing. 

Toni’s lips pressed together in a tight line and her eyes narrowed. “Shut up,” she growled beneath her breath. 

Shelby’s laughter continued even as Toni turned to walk away from her. “I like it!” she called out, now trailing directly behind the brunette. 

Honestly, she didn't care one way or the other if Toni wore makeup. She wanted her to do whatever she was comfortable with, though she'd be lying if she said she didn't find Toni’s way of trying for her parents to be cute and endearing. It wasn't much but it was still a gesture that she appreciated. 

Taking in a deep breath, Shelby joined everyone else in the kitchen where they were all circled around the island laughing and talking amongst each other. She found herself glancing outside to her parents through the large windows, now nervously waiting for them to make their entrance so the real fake social niceties could begin. 

“You good?” Toni quietly questioned from beside her. 

Shelby glanced in her direction and lowered her hand away from the cross pendant she only then realized she had clasped in her palm. “Peachy keen,” she responded with the ease of a smile. 

Toni’s eyes drifted all around her face, silently studying every expression she made. Shelby wanted to lean in and give her a kiss to further reassure her, but she didn't. In reality, she did the exact opposite and pulled her attention away from the girl to once again focus on her parents outside. She could tell they were about to walk inside, so she also took a slight step away from Toni to merely put a few more inches between them. Shelby knew her parents wouldn't look at them and immediately jump to the conclusion of them being an item, but that damned voice in the back of her head kept telling her to take extra precautions. 

Was it annoying? Yes. But would she listen to it? Also yes. 

Toni clearly took notice of the way she distanced them - it was evident by the way her eyebrows knitted together. But because of the entrance of her parents, neither could say anything on the matter. 

Jesus, why was she suddenly so nervous? Her pulse was probably running in overtime, just as her brain was. The thoughts bombarded with fear never ceased, not even when her mother widely grinned at all of her new friends and greeted them with a cheerful tone. 

“It's so good to finally meet all of you!” Jobeth exclaimed, her eyes looking between all five of the girls that currently crowded the kitchen. 

“Thank you so much for inviting us, Mrs. Goodkind.” Martha was the first to speak up, her optimistic and friendly personality easily shining through. 

“Let me guess...Martha?” Her mother pointed to the girl as she attempted to put a face to the descriptions of each of her friends she had previously given them. 

Martha now wore a grin that rivaled her mother's and she eagerly nodded her head. Shelby would never get over how much of a puppy Martha was - it was adorable. 

Shelby straightened her posture, her gaze then landing on Dot which is where she began the rest of the introductions. “And this is Dot, Fatin, and Toni,” she motioned to each girl as she revealed their identities, the others waving or smiling as she did so. 

“Well, I think I speak for both of us when I say how great it is to meet all of you,” her father interjected as if he couldn't go a minute without hearing himself speak. “I for one am just happy to see who Shelby has been spending all of her time with.”

There was an underlying tone to her father’s words that she didn't care for. It was almost as if he was saying it in a condescending way, and if she was able to pick up on it then she was sure at least a couple of the others could as well. The only reason why it truly genuinely her was because she believed it revealed his true intentions. It further proved what she had already assumed: her father only wanted to meet her friends so he could once again have the upper hand in her life. He wanted to know all that he could. Control was his true goal.

Maybe it was in a loving parental way. There was a small chance that was true. Shelby didn't believe that to be the case, though. To her, this was just another way for him to keep tabs on her after the events of the previous summer. 

Shelby wanted to tell him that he could trust her, that she would never do anything to disappoint him again. But that would be a lie, wouldn't it? All that she had done the last couple of months would be nothing but a disappointment to him. _She_ would be a disappointment. 

x x x 

Was everyone else as tense as she was? And if they weren’t, could they feel the uneasiness that radiated off of her? Shelby was trying to channel the ‘self’ she typically depicted for her family, and while she happened to succeed for a few minutes, the moment was fleeting and she would eventually fall back into silence. It was becoming harder for her to portray that version of herself because it’s what was expected and the exhaustion was finally setting in. When it came to her parents, there was no time for her to be sad and retreat back into herself. As she had been told countless times before, it wasn’t what people wanted to see. Why would anyone want to be around her if she wasn’t their source of light? 

Shelby used the tip of her fork to absentmindedly push around a piece of broccoli that occupied her plate. She had been trying to seem interested in whatever story her father was telling, but the constant sound of his voice was beginning to resemble nails on a chalkboard. As much as she loved seeing her friends, having to do it in this environment was not exactly ideal. 

“...and then Andrew -” her father momentarily paused, “you guys know Andrew, right? Shelby’s boyfriend?”

“ _Ex_ -boyfriend.” Shelby made sure to place as much emphasis on the correction as she could without coming across as disrespectful. Her gaze shifted so she was looking at the opposite end of the table to her father; his expression still consisted of a smile but there was something else within it that was unsettling to her. Maybe a twitch at the corner of his mouth? A glint in his eye? She couldn’t say for sure.

“You guys are young. I’m sure you’ll figure it out.” He tried to cover his agitated state with laughter but Shelby could see right through it. She always could. 

With a deep breath, she carefully lowered her fork down to rest on the edge of her plate. Did she dare look at Toni? Maybe it wasn’t just her own distaste for the situation that she felt, but also that of the other girl’s. 

Against better judgement, Shelby allowed her eyes to drift to where the brunette sat across from her. Toni had her teeth locked onto her lower lip, her own focus seemingly on the hamburger she had only taken a couple of nibbles from. Judging by the clench of her jaw, Shelby immediately knew that the other girl was trying to bite her tongue. If it had been anyone but her father then Shelby was willing to bet Toni would’ve already told him to shut the hell up. It had to be killing her to keep the anger bottled up.

“Dot, Toni, do either of you girls still play soccer? I think I remember you both being pretty good on the field.” Jobeth smiled through the intensity; she was willing to discuss anything that would get the subject away from Andrew.

Clearing her throat after taking a swallow from her water, Dot shook her head. “Nah,” she replied, “I didn’t really have time for sports.” 

There was a sad edge to her voice. Shelby assumed this was because Dot was inadvertently referring to being too busy taking care of her father while he had been sick. She had her fingers crossed that neither her mother nor father would press the subject.

All eyes then shifted to Toni, everyone awaiting her answer to the question. 

Toni adjusted the way she was sitting in the chair; she clearly hated having all of the attention now on her. 

“I didn’t play soccer after that year,” she began, “but I’m on the basketball team.”

“Oh yes, I recall a woman at church telling me how good the girls’ team is at the school. You enjoy it?” Jobeth continued leading the conversation. She would occasionally cut her eyes to Shelby, something that she promptly picked up on.

What were those looks for? 

“I do. It’s pretty much been my only hobby so I’ve gotten good at it.” Toni nodded along to her words as she spoke, a proud yet shy smile appearing over her lips. 

This definitely wasn’t the big-headed athlete she was used to encountering whenever basketball was the topic of conversation. If Shelby hadn’t known any better, then she would’ve said that Toni was acting rather _shy_. 

_Huh, interesting._ She thought to herself.

“Good at it?” Martha repeated with a chuckle.

Fatin joined in on the laughter, shaking her head while only speaking after swallowing a mouthful of food. “You’re the freakin’ captain of the team, Toni. I’d say you’re more than just _good_ at it.” 

Shelby was well aware of the faint blush that was creeping up Toni’s neck and flushing her cheeks. She was rather surprised that talking about her accomplishments in front of her parents was embarrassing to her - did Toni not think she was worthy of the praise? 

“The captain?” Shelby’s father repeated, his eyebrows raising. “That’s great! Do you plan on taking it any further after high school?”

Well, there it was. Sure, her father was supportive of achievements and would let his appreciation towards it be known, but there was always the ‘what’s next?’ aspect of it. Nothing was ever good enough for him, not even when it came to her friends’ triumphs.

“Uh…” Toni momentarily glanced down to her plate then gave a shrug of her thin shoulders. “I’m not really sure yet.” 

With his elbows resting on the table, the older Goodkind casually clasped his hands in front of him. “Well, it’s just like I always tell Shelby: never let your talents go to waste. Always strive for more.” 

In her father’s eyes, her “talents” were looking pretty and walking gracefully across a stage. There was a vast difference between that and having actual athletic abilities such as Toni’s, or even Fatin with her cello, Martha’s dancing, and Dot with her smarts and incomparable knack for all things common sense. _Those_ were talents. 

Standing still and looking pretty...not so much.

x x x 

“Oh my gosh, stop!” Shelby exclaimed with a gasp followed by a loud eruption of laughter. “You’re getting water everywhere!” 

Toni kept the large serving spoon beneath the running water of the faucet, sending the stream ricocheting up towards the blonde. She mimicked her amusement but made no attempt to cease the playful assault. It was only when Shelby reached deeper into the sink to force the spoon away that she dropped the utensil to rest with the others. 

“You’re such a child,” Shelby joked. 

“Yeah, maybe, but at least I’m cute.” The brunette countered, her grin lingering.

Ah, so _there_ was the confident side to Toni that she knew existed. Where had that been about an hour ago?

There was a moment of silence that settled between them as the two girls worked together to fight through the pile of dishes. Toni had taken on the task of washing while Shelby opted to dry and put everything back in its rightful place. While doing this, the other girls were sitting in the living room watching one of those wacky survival shows Dot loved so much. Her parents remained outside, both sitting at the table and talking amongst each other. 

“You didn’t have to help me with this,” she expressed while adding another dry plate to the stack she had previously created.

Toni shrugged a shoulder as she rinsed the soap suds off a glass. “I know but it’s the only alone time I’m probably going to get with you tonight, plus…” her voice trailed off and Shelby noticed her looking through the back window to where her parents resided, “it’s better than being out there or watching one of Dot’s lame shows.” 

Shelby deeply inhaled and slowly released it, nodding. “I’m sorry about my dad earlier. He can be…”

“Intense,” Toni finished the sentence, then passing yet another clean glass in her direction to be dried. 

“That’s one word for it.”

Now that there were only utensils left to be washed, Shelby began sliding the plates back into the cabinets along with the cups. She wanted to keep things as tidy as she possibly could just in case her parents wandered in before they happened to finish. The less for her father to comment on the better.

“And please don’t take anything that my dad said about Andrew to heart. He still has hope that we’ll get back together but that’s not happening.” 

Toni made a sound that said she understood but Shelby could still tell that the subject got under her skin. She couldn’t say she blamed her for that. 

“Nah, Shelby, it’s okay. Andrew is your ex and I’m just…”

“My girlfriend.” It was Shelby’s turn to finish the sentence this time. It was the first time a label had verbally been placed on what they had. She referred to Toni as such in her mind but neither had actually spoken on it between each other or with their friends that happened to know about them. 

Should she not have said that? 

The brunette at her side paused, her body shifting ever so slightly so they were angled towards each other. When their eyes locked Shelby couldn’t help but to present a small smile in hopes to ease the tension she feared she had unintentionally spawned. With everything that had transpired between them, Shelby assumed it’s what they were...or would be if she wasn’t locked in the closet. 

“Girlfriend,” Toni finally repeated in a soft tone before her lips turned up into the same smile Shelby currently displayed. 

x x x

A look of confusion had worked its way over Shelby’s features nearly ten minutes ago now. Her eyes squinted at the blurred-out nude man that was shuffling around the television screen; he was muttering something about needing to make a shelter before the rain came, but all he was doing was walking back and forth and making no attempt at the shelter.

“How do you watch this stuff, Dottie?” She whispered through the darkness, but this only earned her a faint ‘shh’ from Fatin and a wave of a hand to silence her. 

The older Goodkinds had granted Shelby and her friends an hour or so longer to hang out before her father would call it a night for them. Instead of doing something that would earn too many questions - like going up to her bedroom - she had opted to linger in the living room where they could all watch Dot’s beloved show. 

While Shelby could see why people would find it interesting, she had already decided that it was not her cup of tea. With that being said, if it made Dot happy, then she would willingly endure it for her. 

Everyone had their eyes glued to the TV, but all Shelby could now do was gaze lovingly upon all of her friends. Even with the threat of her father’s presence looming over her, she still actually felt _happy_. Happy to have them in her life, happy to finally have people that she related to in one way or another - more so than just because they attended the same church like her previous friends. 

Martha and Fatin sat on the couch with her, the former between them, and Toni and Dot resided on the floor. Toni was directly in front of her, so that made it quite easy for her to do nothing but stare at the back of her head. Is this how Toni felt when they were in biology class? Did Toni study every strand of her hair and wish she could fulfill her desires of reaching out to caress it? Did she also admire the way her neck arched and her shoulders tensed when she would simply yawn or toss her hair aside? Shelby sure as hell hoped so because that’s exactly what she was experiencing in that moment. 

Because no one was paying them any mind, Shelby felt bold enough to covertly stroke her fingertips along a few strands of Toni’s wavy hair. She began to play with the tresses, but in no extravagant way. She would simply twist a few of the ends around her finger, release it, and then repeat the process. Her touches remained light, so much so that she didn’t believe Toni even realized the contact at first. It was only when the brunette gave her ankle hanging down a gentle squeeze that she was told otherwise. 

Having to steal moments like this with Toni was hard. All she wanted to do was curl up into her side as they watched Naked and Afraid with the others, their fingers intertwined, and one of them occasionally whispering jokes to the other that would earn them playful death glares from their friends. Those were normal couple things, or at least they were in Shelby’s head, and that’s all she desired with Toni. She wanted to be that ordinary and boring couple that no one gave a second glance to. 

But since she couldn’t have that, or anything in between, Shelby would have to be content with _this_.

x x x 

Shelby had said her goodbyes to her friends nearly an hour ago now. As soon as they walked out the door and she made it up to the safety of her room to ready herself for bed, she was profusely thanking them for coming in their group chat. She knew her parents weren’t easy to be around, more so her father, and she was beyond indebted to them. 

While this little dinner meet & greet hadn’t gone awry, Shelby was still very much aware of how difficult it was. Maybe that’s only how she thought of it, though. No one seemed to be in bad spirits when they left, even Martha remained bubbly, so that had to count for something, right? That’s what she kept trying to tell herself.

With pursed lips, Shelby leaned down against the kitchen island. There was a bowl of ice cream in front of her and although she had taken a couple of bites from it, she was now just watching the peaks of it melt down into warm sugary soup at the bottom of her bowl. Her father had already told her he was heading to bed, that being the only reason why she was indulging so late into the night. Hopefully he wouldn’t wander out of the bedroom any time soon to scold her. 

“Well, tonight was nice, wasn’t it?” Jobeth appeared from the hallway with an arm full of folded laundry. She set the clothes down on the corner of the counter, her attention remaining focused on her daughter.

Shelby nodded, glancing at the older woman while bringing a spoonful of ice cream up to her mouth. “Yeah, they all said they had a good time,” she responded after swallowing the bite. 

Licking over her lips, she then extended the spoon out as an offer to her mother. When the woman accepted it, Shelby gently pushed the bowl in her direction as well. 

Jobeth was merely two bites into the dessert when she once again spoke. “You seemed happy.”

This caught Shelby off guard. Her mother had been trying a bit more than usual lately to have deeper conversations with her and she wasn’t necessarily opposed to it, but it was still...different. Maybe even a little odd. Unexpected. 

“And you know that’s all I want for you, right?” Her mother continued, her eyes now staring at her with great intent. “No matter what.” 

Every time they had little talks like this, Shelby wanted to spill everything. She truly hated keeping such a big secret from her family, especially her mother. Things were different with her father and she was sure they always would be, but her mom...they had a specific type of bond. While the older woman did want her to succeed in all of her endeavors, she never placed a grave weight on Shelby’s shoulders as her husband did. Did that mean she would understand when Shelby inevitably told her what she was hiding? Would she accept her? That’s all she could ever think about. 

Jobeth didn’t wait for Shelby to reply. She pushed the ice cream bowl back to her prior to rummaging through the pile of clean laundry. After flipping through a couple of items, she eventually retrieved the band t-shirt that had been taken from Shelby’s bedroom floor - the one that belonged to Toni. 

Shelby froze when she noticed it. She was silently praying to God now - if he was still listening to her - and begging him to take it easy on her. If he wanted to punish her for the choices she had made, then so be it, but she truly hoped he wouldn’t do it like _this_.

Placing the neatly folded shirt between them on the counter, Jobeth gently pushed it closer to Shelby. She tapped the top of it with her finger a couple of times as if to silently demand her daughter’s attention. With their eyes then meeting, the woman arched an eyebrow. 

“Are you happy?” She inquired, her eyes portraying a much different question within the one she had verbalized. 

There were two routes Shelby could take with this: she could ask her mom what she was talking about, act confused by the significance of the shirt, and then leave it at that, or...she could truthfully answer and give everything away. 

_Please, God...forgive me._ Her silent prayer continued.

“Yes,” Shelby managed to choke out, her lower lip quivering as she spoke the simple word. 

Jobeth took in a deep breath as she straightened her posture. She said nothing as she took a few steps around the kitchen island so she could close the space between the two of them. With that, her mother reached out to lightly hold the back of her head before then leaning in to place a tender kiss to the top of it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My main goal for this chapter was to showcase the relationship between Shelby and her mom. Hopefully that was successful!
> 
> I'm so sorry that my updates have been delayed. Life has really just picked up for me and before I even know it more than a week has passed and I barely have half of something written.   
> But, no worries! All it takes is a few tumblr messages asking for me to update soon to kick me back into it. So, thank you to everyone that helped out in that department!
> 
> With that being said - follow my tumblr so we can chit chat about the story, the show in general, or even how fantastic the cast is. My inbox is always open.
> 
> https://crimsonwilds.tumblr.com/
> 
> Warning: I am tumblr challenged and navigating it beyond the smallest of basics is...not an easy task for me. :)
> 
> Thank you for all of the support!
> 
> xoxo


	9. all we do is hide away

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _I've been upside down, I don't wanna be the right way round._   
>  _Can't find paradise on the ground._   
>  _All we do is hide away. All we do is chase the day._   
>  _All we do is play it safe. All we do is **live inside a cage**. _
> 
> Oh Wonder - All We Do

In the middle of the park sat a row of new and fresh picnic tables after the last group had to be thrown out due to the amount of graffiti that had accumulated on them over the years. They were normally occupied by families or the elderly, making it hard to claim your spot at one during the prime hours of the day. Things were different this day, though, because every table was empty as Shelby approached them. 

Thinking nothing of it, the blonde slid into place on one side of the table. She immediately began snacking from the little bag of individual grapes she had brought along with her, but not before inspecting each one before popping it into her mouth. Shelby wasn't sure what she was doing at the park. It seemed to just be where her brain wanted to take her. She never really found interest in it when she was alone, instead opting to go to the deserted dock on the lake when she needed some _her_ time. 

So...why was she at the park? 

With knitted eyebrows of confusion, Shelby glanced up from where she had been focused on the bag of grapes. When she did, she nearly jumped out of her seat. Across from her now sat another person, one she hadn't even heard approaching the table. 

“Becca?” She choked out, earning herself a smile from the brunette that sat opposite of her. 

“Hey, Shelbs,” she greeted her in the same voice she still remembered a year later. 

Shelby was frozen as she stared at her best friend. This couldn't be happening, could it? No, of course not. Becca was gone. She had seen her grave, she had sat there and cried over it many times because of all of the regret and guilt that was building up inside of her. So, no, there was no way Becca was truly in front of her. 

“Did you watch The Bachelor last night?” The girl began while reaching over to claim the bag of forgotten grapes as her own. “I can't believe he sent Erin home. I thought they had so much chemistry…” 

Shelby remained silent, merely watching the scene unfold. 

“But, I mean, I guess that doesn't really mean anything, huh? It's always the ones you never expect that hurt you the most.” 

Ouch. That was definitely meant to be a jab at her. And if it wasn't obvious before, it definitely was when their eyes met and she took note of the way Becca’s momentarily intensified. Despite the glare, the girl still held a smile. 

“You're dead,” Shelby suddenly blurted out, yet her tone remained soft. Although there was no one else in the park, she still felt like she needed to whisper it, almost like the reveal was some sort of secret. 

Becca’s face instantly hardened. She had never seen her look so mad before and it cut her straight to the core. Shelby remained haunted by the saddened expression she had possessed the last time she saw her outside of her house that day, but now she had another look to add to the list of things that would keep her up at night. 

With a small chuckle, Becca leaned forward with her elbows on top of the picnic table. “I know,” she simply stated, “because you killed me.” 

“No…” Shelby managed to get out through a shake of her head. 

“Yes…” the brunette mocked her with her own nod and then a roll of her eyes. “You sealed my death the second you denied everything about what happened...about us.” 

Shelby could feel the tears welling in her eyes. She couldn't believe Becca actually blamed her for her death. She hadn’t forced her hand when it came to making her get into a running car in the closed off garage. No, she had done that with her own free will. 

“And now...well, _now_ it's like I died for nothing. Who would've thought that sweet little Shelby would be stupid enough to actually admit to being with a girl? And Toni Shalifoe of all people?” Becca made an exaggerated look of disgust and then once again shook her head. 

What the hell was going on? Becca had never attacked her like this before. Actually...Shelby was sure that Becca had never been so cruel to anyone. This wasn't the Becca she grew up with. Other than the very familiar face staring at her, she recognized nothing about this person. 

“Wh- what?” Shelby stammered in confusion while licking over her lips. She needed to get control of the situation but she knew that wouldn't be possible. Not when Becca was so confident in the things she was saying. 

“Was I just not good enough for you, Shelby? Is that it? Because you risk everything for _her_...but you tossed me out like a sick stray cat you could no longer be bothered with.” 

Shelby wasn't even able to find her words anymore. All she could do was shake her head in denial to the preposterous allegations being thrown at her. None of it was true. She would've risked it all for Becca too...it just hadn't been the right time. How was she to know it would only take losing someone important to her to finally accept herself? 

Becca didn't seem to like the silence coming from her. She stood up and slammed her hands down on the picnic table, the loud noise causing Shelby to slightly jump. Shelby looked up at the girl through her lashes, but she made no attempt to change her own position. Honestly, she was too frightened. With that, she dropped her gaze back down to the table. She couldn't bear to see Becca like this. 

“You're a hypocrite, Shelby. You use people - just like your father.” 

The last comment allowed the tears to flow freely down her cheeks now. She tried to wipe them away but Becca’s cold hands were then grasping onto her own, preventing her from dismissing the tears. 

“I'm sorry…” Shelby muttered through her quiet sobs. 

When she finally found the courage to look up at Becca again, she immediately wished she hadn't. Becca’s skin had turned to a pale purple shade and a milky sheen was casted over her eyes. Her hair was still curly and wild, but there were obvious knots and patches of dirt within it. And her hands…the hands wrapped firmly around her wrists were cracked with darkened nails, almost as if she had been digging through the dirt she was buried beneath. 

“You killed me!” Becca yelled in a forceful manner. 

Shelby was now bawling as she tried with all of the strength she could muster to pry her hands away from the girl before her. Terrified and pleading for release, Shelby managed to swing her legs around the side of the picnic table bench, but the sudden movement caused her to fall back. As soon as she hit the hard earth, her eyes sprung open and she immediately sat up in bed with a jolt. The last thing she remembered was the image of a decaying Becca scrambling towards her and repeating the same phrase over and over again:

_You killed me!_

x x x

A tap to her phone screen illuminated the numbers that let her know it was just after five that morning. While this was the usual time she would wake up and go for a jog around the neighborhood, Shelby opted not to. Instead, she chose to sit in her shower with the water running over her, silently crying to herself. 

It was the first nightmare she had had of Becca in quite some time. None were ever as gruesome or cruel as this one had been, though. They would usually consist of happy memories with her best friend, or sometimes her merely visiting her grave and talking to the headstone like Becca was actually in front of her. This...well, this nightmare had been drastically different. Now she would be scared every time she happened to close her eyes. Would the image of Becca’s decaying face forever haunt her? 

With her arms wrapped around her knees and her back to the fall of the water, Shelby spent the duration of her shower staring at a blank spot on the wall. The tears eventually dried up, leaving her with only her thoughts. Deep down she knew she hadn’t been the reason for Becca’s death...or at least that’s what she kept telling herself. Unfortunately, the more she said it, the less true it began to sound. Once the water ran cold and left her shivering, Shelby finally pulled herself from the floor and turned the knob until the stream ended. 

It was one of those days where she felt like she was constantly beside herself, like she was a bystander watching someone else’s movements through their daily routines. It was frustrating, but there was also a sense of ease to it. There was no need for her to contemplate responses or decisions because her brain was on it before she could process what was being said to her. She was on autopilot. Shelby was indifferent towards this; she kind of enjoyed being able to take a break from thinking but with that came the free time to _worry_. Her mind was filled with nothing but the events of last summer and she was sure they weren’t going to fade anytime soon. 

Later that evening, Shelby told her family that she was going for a drive to clear her head, so the last place she was expecting to end up was the cemetery. Her initial plan had been to sit at the lake but it seemed as if she had changed her mind at some point during the drive. 

There was a weight on her chest as she stared down at the all too familiar headstone. She felt as if she couldn’t get enough oxygen into her lungs, like every breath was a clear struggle. Then, the tears began again. Shelby didn’t even know she had any left within her after the release she had earlier that morning. 

Dropping down to her knees, she reached out to lightly trace the letters etched into the marble, slowly taking it one letter at a time. “I miss you so much,” she muttered through her sobs before finishing the first letter. 

“I know that I wasn’t a good friend towards the end...and I will regret that everyday of my life,” she continued, “but I hope that you’ve been able to forgive me.” 

Shelby adjusted her position so that she was sitting with crossed legs in front of the grave. She fell silent for a moment though her eyes remained glued to the headstone belonging to her best friend. It had been awhile since she had visited her; she used to frequent the cemetery a few times a month, but then she slowly began to slack off until it was _maybe_ one visit a month. Sometimes she would forget all together because of everything that was on her plate with school, her family, and the pageants. So, this was long overdue. 

“I still think about that trip we took to the beach with my family when we were ten. All I wanted to do was play in the water but you spent most of your time studying seashells and trying to find the perfect one. It was funny because every shell you picked up was _the_ shell.” For the first time that day Shelby smiled, it was faint and barely noticeable, but she had felt the corners of her mouth turn up. 

“You always saw the best in things whether it be people, or a dumb movie, or...fucking seashells,” she released a slight laugh through her tears this time, shaking her head. The laugh was quick to be covered by more sadness, though. Remembering the good things about Becca reminded her of just how much she truly missed her. 

“I think that’s what I admired the most about you. It was genuine. Like...me, on the other hand, I _act_ like I see only the best in everything, but I don’t. I carry so much hate, Becca.” With a deep breath, Shelby momentarily shifted her eyes up to the overcast sky as if she was trying to prepare herself for the things she was saying. And honestly, she was. She had never allowed herself to even think these things before, let alone speak them out into the universe. 

“Hate for other people, the things I’ve been taught, who I am…” she expanded on the thought, her voice softening. “I don’t want to live that way anymore, though. I’m sorry that I couldn’t fight through this when you were still here...maybe things could’ve been different.” 

Shelby wiped the remaining tears from her cheeks with the back of her hand. With the same hand, she brought it to her lips, kissed her fingers, and then placed it gently on the headstone. “I love you,” she whispered while presenting the small kiss to Becca’s final resting place. 

x x x

Wasn’t getting things off your chest and speaking the truth supposed to make you feel better? That’s what Shelby had always thought because it’s what she had been taught through the church: repent for your sins and you’ll find God’s love once again. So, if that was the case, then why didn’t she feel any better? There was still a sadness that lived within her and it had grown too much for her to continue to hide it behind a smile. 

Her mother picked up on this as soon as she walked through the front door. Jobeth eyed her from over her iPad, a look of concern clearly written over her features. That was the only way her mom looked at her lately. 

“How was your drive?” The women tiptoed around the question they both knew she really wanted to ask. Shelby gave her points for at least trying to give her space. 

“It was okay,” she replied with a small shrug of her shoulder. “Where’s dad?”

For the first time in a while, Shelby actually wanted to talk to her mother. She was still hesitant to fully reveal everything to her, despite the woman having put together all the clues about Toni, but she was optimistic that this feeling wouldn’t last for long. If her dad was around, though, she wouldn’t be able to do any of this. 

Jobeth lowered the iPad down into her lap, locking the screen as she did. “He went to the studio to finish up some things,” she responded while shifting the iPad to the side table where it wouldn’t be a distraction. 

Nodding, Shelby walked further into the living room before she then took a seat beside her mother. She slid down a bit so she was able to comfortably lay along the cushions with her head in her mom’s lap - for a moment she felt like a little girl again. Without skipping a beat, Jobeth immediately began to rub her hand over her daughter’s hair, lovingly slipping her fingers through her long locks in a comforting motion. 

“How did you know?” Shelby simply asked, knowing her mother would pick up on what she was referring to. 

Jobeth took in a deep breath, then slowly released it before answering the question. “You’ve been off lately. I noticed it last year after…” she paused, but Shelby understood, so she then continued, “and I thought maybe things would get back to normal after some time had passed. And they did, sort of, but I’m your mom, Shelby, I have a sense of these things. Then seeing you last night with her while doing the dishes...it was the first time in a long time that you actually looked happy.” 

It hurt her to know that her mother had been aware of her pain for so long, even more so since they both knew she couldn’t truly do anything about it. How was her mom supposed to help her through it all when she was too scared to be who she really was in front of her? It would’ve been a failed attempt on her mother’s end had she even tried to bring it up. So, Shelby understood. 

“Well, and then there’s been the sneaking around,” her mother chuckled at this but Shelby was just thankful that she didn’t sound mad about it. “Your father may be oblivious to your comings and goings at odd hours, but I’m not.” 

Shelby mimicked the small laughter, nodding. The smile that came along with the chuckle lingered for a moment, but it slowly faded as more questions popped into Shelby’s head. She was curious about so much: did her mother like Toni so far? Was she going to tell her father? There was one question that stuck out to her more than another, though, and asking it was going to hurt her. The fear would return full force. 

“Does it make me a bad person?” 

From a young age, Shelby had been taught very specific guidelines for her life. It became normal for her to hear weekly about how drugs and alcohol were bad, as was sex before marriage, and being gay was a sin. Since she could no longer repress that side of herself, she was terrified to know what God thought of her way of life. Everything she was taught had to be bullshit, right? At least when it came to that. 

Jobeth shifted in a way that let Shelby know she needed to sit up. So, she pushed herself up from her mother’s lap so she could meet her eye to eye. There was a serious expression that took solace on her mom’s face and Shelby immediately knew that she didn’t take this question lightly. 

“Don’t ever think that you're a bad person because of the things you feel.” Jobeth had both of her hands lightly grasping onto Shelby's shoulders to make sure she remained facing her. “ _This_ would never make you a bad person.”

What her mother was saying was definitely a far cry from the speeches she had been given growing up. It had mostly been her father to preach them, but her mom stood at his side as he did and said nothing. Shelby was sure this was out of fear, or maybe even simply respect for the patriarch of their family, although things appeared to be shifting within the Goodkind household. 

“I believe that God makes no mistakes in his creations,” her mother continued, “so you are exactly who you should be.” 

Shelby took a deep, wavering breath as the woman spoke. It was new for her to have a support system within her family so this was uncharted territory. She held her mother’s gaze, her eyes remaining focused on hers. There was a gleam in her mother’s eyes which let her know that she was on the verge of her own tears, which wasn't something she had been expecting. It hadn’t been her intentions. 

“I love you,” Shelby exclaimed while leaning in to slide her arms around her mom’s neck. After not being close with either of her parents for a year or so now, it felt good to be embraced by her mother. It was almost like all the weight had been lifted from her shoulders, even if for only a few fleeting moments. 

“I love you too, Shelbs,” her mother breathed out in response without skipping a beat. 

x x x 

**[ TONI’S POV ]**

The phone continued to ring again and again but she was left with nothing but the overly peppy tone of Shelby’s voicemail. The texts she had sent throughout the day held the same response: nothing. 

It was getting to the point that she was becoming worried. Radio silence from Shelby was unusual; there was typically at least a good morning text waiting for her in her inbox when she herself woke up (considering Shelby was an early riser and she sure as fuck wasn't), but that morning there was no unread message from her. Toni was beginning to wonder if she had imagined the entirety of the last couple of months. 

Though at what point was she just being the overly concerned girlfriend? 

**[ TONI 6:52pm ]:** has anyone heard from shelby?

**[ DOT 6:53pm ]:** nothing on my end pal 

**[ FATIN 6:53pm ]:** jfc don’t be that person

**[ TONI 6:54pm ]:** ???

**[ FATIN 6:55pm ]:** no one likes a clingy girl   
**[ FATIN 6:55pm ]:** but it's sunday so i’m sure she's just doing jesus stuff 

Toni released a heavy sigh of annoyance that was directed towards no one but Fatin. She wasn't being clingy. She just couldn't help that she was worried about the blonde; for all they knew she could be dead in a ditch somewhere. Or maybe she was simply ignoring her because she had realized _this_ wasn't for her. 

The thought alone caused a swirl of anxiety and anger to mix within her. She would never assume that Shelby was the type of person to ghost her instead of trying to talk things out, but with how guarded and closed off the blonde was...she wasn't going to completely rule out the possibility. 

“Toni! Toni!” 

Rolling her eyes, Toni sat up in bed just as the door to her bedroom swung open. Her foster brother was standing there, one hand clutching the doorknob as the other impatiently fidgeted with an Xbox controller. They both stared at each other until Toni raised her eyebrows, portraying a look of pure aggravation. 

“What?” She snapped when he didn't speak up. 

“There's someone at the door for you,” the younger boy exclaimed before running off to return to his game. 

It was highly unlikely that it would be Shelby, but _what if_? The blonde had dropped her off many times before but Toni had never extended an invitation to her to come inside. There was an embarrassment that Toni felt when it came to her home situation and the last thing she wanted was sympathy. 

If she was being honest with herself, this place didn't even feel like _home_. She didn't claim anything as her own other than the few articles of clothing she herself had bought and the couple of random items passed down to her from her mother. Everything else was like if she was in a hotel: it was comfortable (sometimes) and got the job done, but she still knew it was all temporary. 

Only a couple of more weeks until she was eighteen and then she would be all on her own. 

Just as she was standing up to greet the mystery visitor, her cracked door was gently nudged open to reveal Martha with a look of confusion. 

“Why is Jay acting like he doesn't know me?” She questioned with a nervous chuckle while simultaneously motioning back in the direction she had come from. 

The excitement that had begun swelling within Toni immediately disappeared. Of course she knew it wouldn't be Shelby, but hopeful thinking, right? 

“Everyone and everything around him kinda becomes a blur when he's playing a game,” Toni responded, shrugging. She followed the explanation up with a slight smile, but it was clear that Martha was already picking up on her off mood. 

Falling back onto the bed, Martha propped herself up on the palms of her hands, her lips pursed in contemplation. Toni could feel her gaze on her and she didn't need to glance her way to verify this. 

“You know I hate it when you just stare at me,” she groaned after releasing a heavy sigh. Toni dropped her hands into her lap as if in defeat, which was funny considering Martha had yet to do anything to get any info out of her. She couldn't believe she was already breaking. 

Martha didn't comment on her statement, but instead reached out to gently nudge Toni’s shoulder. “And you know I can tell when something is wrong.” 

“Look,” Martha continued after receiving nothing but a few seconds of tense silence from her best friend, “my mom is waiting for us outside and there may or may not be her famous tacos in your future if you spill it.” 

_Damn,_ she thought to herself, _Bernice’s tacos do sound good._

“Is it about Shelby?”

Toni was quick to twist her head around to look at Martha. Her eyebrows were knitted in confusion, her lips then parting because she was going to respond before abruptly closing them. She should probably think about her next move a bit more. Was there really any point in denying it, though? Obviously Martha knew something but what if she was just taking a shot in the dark? How she reacted would answer any suspicions she had. 

“Why would it be about Shelby?” Toni fired back in the infamous defensive tone she had perfected. 

Arching an eyebrow, Martha pushed herself forward into a normal seated position. “I'm not blind, Toni,” she explained before also rolling her eyes in a playful gesture. “It's obvious there's something going on.” 

“But, like, not _too_ obvious, right?” 

Well, fuck. She should've known that Martha would be able to pick up on her bond with Shelby. Martha had spent their entire lives seeing through her bullshit so one would think she would be used to it by now. With that being said, it still never failed to surprise her. 

Taking in a deep breath, Martha reached out to lightly pat her shoulder a few times like someone would do if they were trying to comfort another. “Oh, Antonia,” she spoke in a soft yet dramatic tone, “let's have some tacos and talk about it.” 

“Don’t _ever_ fucking call me that again,” Toni quickly retorted, a look of disgust now covering her features. 

x x x 

Bernice was one of the best cooks she knew; her food always made her feel like she was home. Maybe it was just the warmth she radiated with everything she did, how she acted like the caring mother she had never been able to experience for herself. It was also nice that Bernice didn't talk to her like she was a child - that being the exact opposite of what her foster parents did. She could talk to Bernice about just about anything, so it wasn't hard for her to open up about her relationship with Shelby while the older woman was there. 

“I can't believe you kept this from me,” Martha sulked in her chair. 

“I'm sorry!” Toni groaned through her chewing. “I promised Shelby I would keep it between us for now.” 

Martha made a face as she silently mocked the explanation Toni gave while pushing around the untouched black beans on her plate. Toni knew she was upset about the secret since they always told each other everything, but she also knew Martha would understand the circumstances. She would eventually come around. 

“For now?” Bernice interjected before Martha could fully get to the dramatics. 

Toni licked over her lips as she stared across the table at the woman, giving her a single nod in response. 

“Yeah…” she hesitantly spoke, “just until she figures things out.” 

Slowly nodding, Bernice lifted a napkin from the table so she could dab at the corners of her mouth. Toni could all but see the gears turning in the woman’s head, which let her know that she needed to prepare herself for some harsh truths. While Bernice had done a lot to shield Martha from the traumas of her past, that didn't mean she was one to sugarcoat things, especially when it came to Toni. 

Toni was a blunt person and always wore her emotions in clear view - so that's the same kind of regard Bernice gave her when it came to her advice. 

“Are you prepared for what may happen if she doesn't figure things out?” 

That wasn't something Toni wanted to think about. She was full of hope that things would turn around for her and Shelby, that one day they wouldn't have to hide what they had. Was it stupid of her to have so much faith in them? Sure, things were still fresh and they were young, but things just felt _right_ with Shelby. 

“What do you mean?” Toni asked, her eyes shifting back and forth between Martha and her mother. 

Taking in a deep breath, Bernice presented her with a comforting smile. “I don't want to see you get your heart broken, Toni.”

With a purse of her lips, Toni shook her head. She had dropped her eyes down to what was left of the food on her plate, the prongs of her fork nudging at it. Although she had never been an optimistic person, she wanted to be when it came to this. That would always be easier said than done for her. 

Before she could mumble out another response, her phone that she had lying on the table lit up. She abruptly reached for it, and seeing Shelby’s name attached to the notification was more than enough to get her heart racing. 

**[ SHELBY 8:11pm ]:** Sorry that I missed your call. I had a busy day and accidentally left my phone. 

**[ SHELBY 8:12pm ]:** Meet during lunch tomorrow? 

**[ TONI 8:12pm ]:** it's cool. lunch sounds good. 

Toni had tossed around the idea of telling the blonde she had missed her before ultimately deciding against it. She kept telling herself to play it cool and not seem too eager, so that's the only response she could come up with to do so. 

Fuck, she was lame. 

“See?” Toni said as she motioned to her phone and glanced up to the prying eyes of Martha and Bernice. “Everything is fine.”

Neither seemed too convinced.

x x x 

“Two more laps, ladies!” 

Toni inwardly groaned as her coach yelled at the small group of girls. He looked like someone out of a high school movie: clipboard in one hand, beloved whistle in the other, all while wearing a matching tracksuit combo. It was entertaining to Toni when she was greeted by him that morning, but now she was too focused on the burn in her calves to think of anything else.

Well...mostly. 

“You said that three laps ago!” One of her teammates yelled in protest, but this earned her nothing but a whistle blow from their coach.

The sound of her feet hitting the track was a steady rhythm that became almost cathartic to her. It gave her something to focus on, something to count, so her mind wouldn’t wander too much. Eventually, she was able to push the invasive pessimistic thoughts of Shelby to the back of her mind, at least for the time being. Toni had even joked around with a few of her teammates that morning, all of them laughing and shoving each other while exiting the locker rooms and heading to the track. 

Unfortunately, this new found relief did not last as long as she had hoped. 

As she rounded the curve of track, now placing the stadium seats back in her line of sight, she was faintly aware of the blonde head that sat on a section of the bleachers. She knew it was Shelby right away by the bright green sunglasses she adorned that once belonged to Fatin. There was a bit of hope that swelled within her: had Shelby known she was there and came to see her? No, that wasn’t very likely considering they hadn’t spoken at all that day. There was no way Shelby would know her whereabouts during her free period. 

Jogging closer, Toni then realized that Shelby was not alone. Andrew sat beside her, his mouth moving a mile a minute. He was clearly very passionate about whatever he was saying. She could only assume it was the normal amount of bullshit he was typically spewing. This immediately lit a fire within Toni. 

Toni slowed her motions before coming to a halt in front of the seats. Neither had noticed her yet, so she took the short moment to watch them. With her hands on her hips and her breathing labored from the workout, her eyes darted back and forth between the past couple. The sunglasses Shelby had on made it hard for her to pick up on her emotions, but there was no smile on her face. Toni was torn on whether that was a good thing or not. 

“Shalifoe!” The whistle blowing caused her to jump and she glanced back to her coach staring at her in anger and confusion. “Keep it moving!” 

The workout no longer interested her. So, she ignored the demand and turned her head to look back at Shelby and Andrew. Through squinted eyes (thanks to the harsh sun), she was able to notice the eye roll Andrew gave when they both realized she was there. That was more than enough to set her off.

With her lips now pressed into a thin line, Toni made the trek from the track, through the small chain link fence that separated the field from the bleachers, and then up the stone steps that would lead her to where they were. Both Shelby and Andrew were standing now, and while she would normally have eyes only for Shelby, she didn’t even look her way. Her glare was settled on Andrew and that smug look he always carried that was constantly begging to be smacked off. 

“Hey,” Shelby breathed out in a shaky tone, but Toni was already cutting her off.

“What the hell are you doing, Andrew? Why can’t you ever stop bothering her?”

Andrew chuckled as he shoved his hands into the pockets of his jeans. “We’re just talking. Is that a problem?” 

“Yeah, it is a fucking problem because anytime _you_ talk you always say something that you should get your ass kicked for.” 

That earned her a glare from the guy, but a simple narrowing of his eyes wasn’t going to get her to back down. 

“What’s your issue, Shalifoe? You got a little crush or something?” Andrew once again chuckled because he obviously thought the dig was entertaining and probably an outlandish claim. If only he knew. 

Toni took a step forward but Shelby was just as fast as she was. She stood between the bickering party, her hands outstretched to Toni in an attempt to get her to back away. “Okay, okay, you two need to cut it out.” 

“What the hell did you just say to me?” Toni fired back at Andrew. Even with Shelby now grasping her shoulders to further try to push her away from the situation, while also mumbling statements meant to de escalate, Toni was able to reach around her and shove Andrew back. Not one of her finer moments because this would definitely be considered her throwing the ‘first punch’.

“Andrew! Toni!” Shelby yelled, one hand now on each of them to force them to keep their distance. 

“Shalifoe!” her coach’s voice entered the mix. He repeated her name a few times, but everything was happening so fast that she barely registered it. 

Soon after, Andrew had shoved Shelby out of the way and was in Toni’s face, forcing her back just as she had done to him. 

x x x

**[ SHELBY’S POV ]**

What in the world could Andrew want to talk to her about? Anything he had to say to her could easily be communicated over a text or even a phone call, though she would prefer for him to continue with the ongoing silence that they’ve had. 

And then to say he wanted to meet her on the field bleachers? It was all very odd.

While her previous friend group all used to hangout on the bleachers before classes and during their free periods when they aligned, that had all stopped once her and Andrew parted ways. So, no, it wasn’t a completely unusual request, but it was the timing that was confusing her. 

Against her better judgement, Shelby had agreed to meet him. It was nice to worry about something else that didn’t involve Becca or Toni, because she knew nothing Andrew could say was really going to get to her. Whether it be him trying to get back together or just trying to speak his peace, she would be polite and kind, just as she had been raised. 

“You look nice,” Andrew complimented as they both climbed the stairs to their usual seating section. 

With a simple smile as a response, Shelby glanced in his direction and then gracefully sat down on the warm metal bench. Andrew sat beside her, and a little too close for her liking, so she added a couple of more inches between them by acting as if she needed to make room for her purse to rest. 

Sometimes she could forget how nice he could be. 

“The sunglasses are a little much for you, though. Don’t you think?” he continued, motioning to the oversized frames that covered nearly half of her face. She had Fatin to thank for the accessory.

Well, the niceties had been a fleeting moment and she was right back to having a grand distaste for him. 

“What did you want to talk about?” she inquired. Shelby was not trying to spend more time with him than what she had to. 

Andrew released a deep breath and then leaned forward so his elbows were resting on his parted knees. She knew all too well what he was doing and the whole ‘poor me’ act was not going to work on her. Maybe it had in the past, but things were different now. _She_ was different. 

“I miss you, Shelbs,” he began, “and I can’t stop thinking about you.” Andrew looked over in her direction, his eyes wide to mimic that of a sad puppy. 

Wow, he was really pulling out all of the tricks, wasn’t he?

Shelby said nothing in response. She squinted her eyes at him from behind the dark tinted sunglasses, although she knew he wouldn’t be able to see through the lenses. 

“Do you not miss me? What we had?” He continued, his brows knitting together in slight confusion. 

Shelby shook her head as she looked out at the track field, now watching as the athletes skillfully took each running step with ease. “What is it that you think we had, Andrew? Because all I remember is you cheating on me and me being too oblivious to realize it.” 

Okay, so, maybe she wasn’t going to be as kind and polite as she had originally planned. It was so hard to keep her cool with Andrew, especially when she knew he was just doing this because he liked having her on his arm. She was as much of an accessory to him as the sunglasses she currently wore were to her. 

“I know and I’m sorry,” Andrew quipped, “but I’ve changed, Shelbs...I now know what I had with you.” 

The booming voice coming from the coach on the field garnered her attention. Her eyes shifted to the man before taking note of who he was referring to. Shelby froze when she saw Toni standing there, hands on her hips and jaw clenched, watching them. 

_Shit._

It wasn’t that she wanted to keep this little meeting between her and Andew secret, but she had decided to only mention it after the fact. At least then she would have answers as to _why_ Andrew had requested the meeting. 

“Are you serious right now?” Andrew visibly tensed as Toni climbed the steps to where they sat. All Shelby could do was follow her movements with her eyes and then stand the closer she got. Something told her that this wasn’t going to end well.

Too much was going through Shelby’s head for her to react as fast as she should have. Was this going to end in a physical altercation? Would one of them tumble down the stone steps and be seriously injured? Was there a possibility that her relationship with Toni would be accidentally outed? All of these things were likely, and between the last two, she wasn’t sure which would be worse. 

“Please just go back,” she whispered to Toni through the commotion once she was standing between them. Shelby looked at her with a pleading expression, but there was nothing in Toni’s eyes but anger and fire. She didn’t even think the brunette had heard her. 

“Toni, please, I can handle this.” Shelby continued, but all of her attempts were done in vain. 

It was hard to hear anything over the yells of Toni and Andrew, but then when Toni’s coach’s hollers were added to the mix, she knew there was no use anymore. Andrew was in pursuit of Toni, thus causing him to shove her out of the way. She stumbled a bit, but landed on the bench with a slight _thud_. She hadn’t been hurt, but now that she was no longer an obstacle, there was nothing stopping the two from going at it.

Jesus, this was like Fatin’s party all over again. Had neither of them learned their lesson then?

Andrew pushed Toni again, but despite their size difference, Toni did a damn good job at standing her ground. 

“Don’t ever fucking touch her like that again!” Toni yelled, a finger then pointing directly in Andrew’s face once she had realized just how aggressive he had been with getting Shelby out of the way. 

Just as Toni was about to lunge for Andrew, her coach came barrelling up the steps. He had his arms around her waist and was yanking her away from the situation in a matter of seconds. Though, this didn’t stop Andrew from hurtling his own insults back at her. 

“Fuck off, Toni!” Andrew yelled, still taking a few uneasy steps towards where the coach had cornered Toni off. “Psycho dyke!” 

Shelby had a handful of Andrew’s shirt in her grasp and she was yanking him back with as much force as she could muster. He stumbled back a few steps and then finally looked at her, rage evident in his eyes. 

“What is wrong with you?!” Shelby countered as she nudged him with her elbow so she could step around him. She snagged her purse from where it had been knocked off the bench and then slung it over her shoulder.

“Seriously, Shelby? You’re taking her side? She started it! She always does!” 

“Hey! You two!” The coach directed his anger back to them while one hand kept Toni at bay a few steps down. “All of you to the principal's office now!” 

“What?!” Toni objected, leading her and Andrew to repeat the same one-worded question. 

“ _Go!_ ” The larger man demanded. 

Andrew was the first to make a move to exit the bleachers. He had disappeared around the corner before Shelby also made her leave, followed by Toni. The walk through the school was a quiet one, aside from Andrew mumbling incoherent insults back to Toni anytime he glanced over his shoulder. Each time, Shelby would meet him with a glare, silently daring him to do anything that would make matters worse. 

While waiting for the principal, all three of them sat in a row of seats along the back wall. Shelby sat in the middle with her legs crossed and her hands clasped in her lap. She was trying to keep her cool, but she knew that would be long gone as soon as her parents caught wind of this incident. How was she supposed to explain this to her father? Toni had only just met her family and already they were getting into trouble together, and with Andrew involved, nonetheless. 

The large wooden door was abruptly pulled open and Principal Klein poked half her body out, motioning to all three of them. “Andrew, Shelby, Toni, come on,” she requested, then nudging the door open a bit more so they could all saunter through. 

“I thought we weren’t going to have anymore visits, Toni?” The woman chimed in while closing the door behind her, though Toni didn’t even acknowledge the comment.

“So,” she began once everyone was seated on the opposite side of her desk, “who wants to tell me what happened?” 

Andrew didn’t waste a beat. He immediately began with no hesitation, and clearly only to play the victim. “Shelby and I were just talking on the bleachers, and Toni came out of nowhere and started attacking me.”

Principal Klein slowly nodded her head, her gaze shifting to where Toni sat slouched in her chair. “Is that what happened?”

Toni glanced up to the woman and then shrugged in a nonchalant manner. “Not exactly,” she opposed Andrew’s description of the events, though her jaw remained clenched due to what remained of her anger. 

It was then that the principal focused her attention on Shelby. She met her gaze with her own deer-in-headlights look, a polite smile appearing over her lips. As much as she wanted to voice how stupid all of this was, she knew she couldn’t. She had to be on her best behavior for when her father would inevitably be given a rundown of the situation. If she wanted to keep up appearances for him, then she would also have to do so for the leader of their school. 

So, what was she to do? Shelby was torn between telling the truth, which would shed light badly on Toni, or telling her the story that would place Andrew mostly at fault. While Toni had been the one to initially start the argument, there was a part of her that truly believed Andrew had somehow set this up. Why choose to talk on the field when they could’ve gone to the parking lot like they would also do? Or even wait until after school had ended for the day? It was all very suspicious to her. 

“Well, since no one wants to tell me what happened, you’re all going to have to face some consequences.” Principal Klein sat back in her plush swivel chair, her lips pursed while gazing at the three students. She looked as if she was actually enjoying trying to come up with a punishment for them. 

“Andrew, three days of after school detention.”

Andrew immediately scoffed in protest, shaking his head. “I didn’t do anything!”

“Coach Harris called me on your way down here. He saw Toni push you first but he also relayed to me the things you were calling her. There is a zero tolerance policy here for that kind of language, understand?” 

The explanation was more than enough to shut Andrew up. He nodded once and then sulked back into his chair in defeat. There was no point in arguing his punishment because that would only put him in an even worse situation. Honestly, Shelby wished that the principal would go a little harder on him if for no reason but to deflate his ego a bit. 

“Shelby…” the woman continued, her focus now back on her. “One day of in school suspension.” 

Since it wasn’t as bad as she had been expecting, Shelby nodded in understanding to her given consequence. Then, it was Toni’s turn. Principal Klein was looking at the athlete like she had a soft spot for her, but something told her that she would make out worse than herself or Andrew had. She was sure Toni had her track record to thank for that.

“Two days of in school suspension and you’re benched the next game.” 

“What?! You can’t do that! I _have_ to play!” Toni had slid to the edge of her seat. The anger from the fight had slowly begun to dissipate, but now it was back in full force. Shelby wanted to reach over and grasp her hand to sooth her, though she resisted the urge. Now was definitely not the time. 

“Is that really necessary?” Shelby spoke up in the most polite tone she could right then, a smile also once again present. “What if she does more in school suspension days?” 

Principal Klein arched an eyebrow and tilted her head slightly when Shelby came back with a counter offer for the punishment. “Shelby, this isn’t a courtroom and you’re not a lawyer,” she explained, “so what I said remains.” 

“Oh,” the woman continued as if she had just remembered this last tidbit, “I would also like for you to start seeing Dr. Faber during your free periods, let’s say...twice a week?”

“The guidance counselor?” Toni balled her face up in a mixture of confusion and disgust. 

“He specializes in troubled youth and I believe that talking to him will help with your anger.” 

From her right, Shelby could hear Andrew snickering. She looked at him with a quick glare, shaking her head as if to silently tell him to ‘shut up’. If they hadn’t been in front of the principal, then she would’ve verbally expressed this to him. 

“Fucking stupid,” Toni mumbled under her breath.

“Listen, you are so close to graduation, Toni, and the last thing I want is for that to be ruined because of incidents like this.” The woman cut her eyes to Andrew, a silent warning for him to also remain in check for the next couple of months. “It’s not a punishment, but more so a tool for you to use.”

Shelby felt uncomfortable sitting in on a conversation that seemed so personal. It would be a little different if Andrew wasn’t also there, but that wasn’t the case. She knew Toni had embarrassment for her explosive outbursts, they had talked about it before, but that didn’t mean she was able to fully control them. Maybe having a professional to talk about it with was a good thing, even if it was the awkward little man that flaunted his doctorate degree whenever he could. 

“I want to see you strive,” Principal Klein continued, “all of you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading!  
> I made this chapter a bit longer than usual as an apology for taking so long to update. Time management really just isn't working out for me lately.
> 
> Anyway, I hope you all enjoyed a bit more of Shelby's mom and also the introduction of Hopewell's lovely principal, along with the mention of their counselor. I just had to add them in somewhere along the way.  
> Also, if you follow me on tumblr, then you know that I had an idea that Toni's name is short for something else, the main suspicion being 'Antonia', which is why it made its way into my story. Will it be canon? Maybe we'll eventually find out! 
> 
> With that being said, follow me on tumblr! Let's chat/discuss/throw ideas around! My messages are always open, even if for things that have nothing to do with The Wilds.
> 
> https://crimsonwilds.tumblr.com/


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